This Continues to Not Be My Life

Friends, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of a very special piece of machinery. I met her back in the year 2000, when she was called EVADNE. Yes, she had that name even before I did. It would be the first of many names she would hold, including LUNA (to match the other two computers in the house, MOTHER EARTH and SOL) and AURORA (because I eventually name everything Aurora).

I had known other computers before her, but in their hearts, they had always belonged to someone else. Sure, I could play my adventure games (e.g., 1001 Ways to Kill Yourself) and look up The Pretender fanfiction on them, but I knew they preferred my mother’s genealogy programs. EVADNE was the first computer to love me for me.

We had some great times together, especially back in my college days. I introduced her to Napster, before he sold out. I wrote my first idiotic fanfiction on her, and I still have that file, converted from WordPerfect to Word, to this day. We got involved in some viral trouble back in 2002, but I got her into detox before it was too late.

I admit now, at this late date, that I had a fling with a laptop (the aforementioned SOL) in 2003-2004, but she was always my first love. It’s just that shouldn’t could travel with me, even if I wished she could. Also, she couldn’t play DVDs, but that tiff ended when I bought myself a DVD player.

She was never the fastest computer, and she always had memory problems, but when that mysterious virus struck her down, we were all so surprised. Despite her limitations, she fought a long, hard battle, and if it hadn’t been for the failure of the Function keys, she may still have pulled through. Alas, it was not to be.

Her gritty grey box monitor, her three-minute boot time, her Zip Drive: I will miss them all. But she will not disappear from this earth in its entirety. Her parts will be recycled, and someone else will someday use a computer comprised of her parts. Perhaps even me. (Though not this next computer, because that’s already ordered.)

Goodbye, old friend. Godspeed.

I was having a tough time writing the review I wanted for this movie, so I decided to cut out the long blocks of text that just weren’t working and went with what I know.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE: NUTSHELL EDITION

( SPOILERS )

That pretty much sums up my feelings, perhaps a little more negatively than I’d like, so I’d just like to add a few more points.

1. If you haven’t seen Casino Royale since it came out, you might want to watch it again, since Quantum of Solace follows immediately after.

2. The opera scene is a great set-piece, and I’m not just saying that because Daniel Craig is in a tuxedo.

3. The action is amazing, even if it is of the bone crushing, wince-in-your-seat kind. It is, however, cut so each shot is about two seconds long, so if you’re prone to vertigo, you might not want to watch this on a big screen.

On one hand, my least favorite person is gone. On the other, WTF.

So, I know there are Bizenghast fans who read my journal, so I just wanted to mention that volume five came out a few weeks ago. I shamefully admit that I just got my copy a few days ago, so I haven't given it a thorough going-over.

At first glance, ( Cut for spoilers )

Also recently released was Bizenghast : The Novel, a fine novelization of Bizeghast One by Shawn Thorgersen. Also included at the end is a bonus chapter written by myself, so if you're a fan of Bizenghast and me, please check it out.

I know, worst self-pimping ever. I am totally stoked to see my fake name in print, though.

So, if you are looking for this movie to tie up loose ends from the series, explore the ramifications of the last season, or even deal with them in some sort of coherent way, you’re probably going to want to skip this movie. If you’re still a big fan of The X-Files, I would recommend waiting for this to come out on DVD, renting it, and pretending that it’s just a really long episode of the television show. Because that’s pretty much what it is.

( Cut for spoilers, and I’m not even joking here )

I really liked the first half of this movie, so let’s talk about that first (that’s right; you have to read the boring nice stuff before getting to the funny mean stuff).

Will Smith plays his standard 4th-of-July-Character (named Hancock this year), with the added bonus traits of superpowers and a drinking problem. Will Smith has trouble dealing with the fact that he is the only superpowered being on the planet, and tries to assuage his existential angst with vast amounts of liquor and massive property damage. Perhaps not the best way to deal with it, but at least it’s not crappy poetry, right?

Into his life comes Jason Bateman, playing Michael Bluth if the rest of the Bluth family were occasionally altruistic drunks with the ability to fly, who believes strongly in Will Smith’s ability to put aside the alcohol and angst, and become a true force for good in the world. He uses his PR training to improve Will Smith’s public image and his boundless optimism to convince Will Smith that world wants to love him.

I just want to point out for a second that, though I was being mocking, I don’t really mind that both Will Smith and Jason Bateman are playing the same characters they always do. They’re both good at their type, and I would be honestly disappointed if I went to see a Will Smith movie in July, and he was playing a soft-spoken accountant who loves puppies and thinks that wise-cracks are a conversational refuge for those with nothing substantial to add. Jason Bateman is the quintessential nice guy on-screen, and I like that. If Smith and Bateman are disappointed with typecasting, it’s their problem, not mine.

Charlize Theron plays Jason Bateman’s wife, the last important character in the movie, though, unfortunately, in the good half of the movie she exists only to cast foreshadowy aspersions on Will Smith and tote around the “Hi! I’m so adorable!” child. This is a pity, because what goes wrong with her character in the second half isn’t her fault; it’s the screenwriters. But I’m skipping ahead.

So, to wrap up the nice half of this review, Hancock starts out with a really good premise and a pretty good execution. After all the comic book movies we’ve be getting recently, and will be getting in the future, it’s a good anti-superhero (not anti-hero, mind you) antidote. Will Smith and Jason Bateman are funny and engaging, and you can really see Will Smith’s character dealing with his bitterness and antipathy. Of course you know that Will Smith is eventually going to improve as a superhero and, um, human being, but his first attempts are hilariously stilted. He’s uncomfortable in his new role as a “real” hero, but not so much that it becomes an embarrassment squick (and I have a really refined squickometer). It’s a good progression, and I only wish it could have continued, because it’s right at this point that movie starts to go downhill.

( Cut for spoilers )

So it’s not what you were expecting, and it’s not quite what I was expecting either, but, hey. At least it’s new, right?

(Author’s Note: Fantastic Four does not belong to me, but to Marvel Comics and Twentieth Century Fox. Dr. Evadne's warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation)

FANTASTIC FOUR: BREADBOX EDITION

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So, apparently the Secret Service came to see me at my apartment on Friday.

I was at work, it being, you know, a weekday, but they left me a nice note asking me to contact an agent. I doubt it's that important, as I haven't heard anything since. However, there is this one, petty detail: I cannot think of a single good reason why the Secret Service would need to talk to me. The only person I know applying for a Federal job didn't list me as a reference.

So, guys? If you're reading this, please call. Because you are freaking me right out.

On this day when we celebrate that most mysterious and ecstatic of emotions, I think we should all take a moment to give thanks for that most important discovery of humankind: penicillin.

If you don’t believe me when I say this, I suggest you read Deborah Hayden’s Pox: Genius, Madness and the Mysteries of Syphilis.