Do you hear what I hear?

[evadne_noel]

When someone said to me the other day, “Oh, your name is Noelle? You must have been born at Christmas!” (NO), I knew it was about time for me to break out my yearly rant about how much I hate Christmas music. Enjoy my vitriol!

This year, I need to start with a song I can’t believe I’ve never mentioned before: “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,” a.k.a., the Most Annoying Song Ever. I call it that because, while a really bad version of another song may be worse than a “good” version of this song, a bad version of “Two Front Teeth” can blow any other bad song straight out of the water. Seriously, a bad version of this song can make the Alvin & the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Don’t Be Late” seem a joyous auditory experience.

Why does this song suck so much? Is it the fact that it’s almost always sung in a grating falsetto by a dude who has not lost any teeth in over 30 years? Is it the fact that when it is sung by a child, I always picture an obnoxious, mugging child actor who will never get a job past puberty? Is it because the song’s tone makes me want to tell the little brat that the Tooth Fairy is his parents, and, oh yeah, guess what? SANTA IS TOO! Mwahahahaha. Is it because my heart is cold and dead as a shriveled peach stone and I can’t appreciate the joy and magic of Christmas?

Possibly. But the other things are probably true, too.

And just because I love you, here is the Alvin & the Chipmunks version of “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth." I know this may make it look like I hate you, but believe me: there are far, far worse versions out there.

UNPOPULAR OPINION: I find the Trans Siberian Orchestra to be vastly overrated. Don’t get me wrong: they do good instrumental versions of popular Christmas carols. I just don’t find them as mind-blowingly awesome as some people seem to. Congratulations, you can play traditional tunes in a vaguely rockin’ way. Truly, this is novel blend of the new and old.

This dislike may just be a case of radio overplay, since my local station has decided that their version of “Carol of the Bells” is the only version they will be playing this year. This pisses me right off because the “Carol of the Bells” is one of those songs that always works better with the words. Not because of the lyrics (I am not about to claim that “ding dong, ding dong, that is their song” is lyrical genius), but because of how they are sung. You need lots of people singing over and with each other for a really good version, and I miss that in the Trans Siberian Orchestra version.

I can’t find a truly crappy version of this song on Youtube, so just turn your radio on. Something by them will be on at any second.

Another song I that is driving me crazy this year is “Same Auld Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg. I think we need to address what makes something a Christmas song. Does it have to be written for Christmas? About Christmas? Is simply referencing Christmas enough?

I have asked myself this question about other media in the past, specifically a “Christmas collection” of Charles Dickens stories. That book had one story that was actually about Christmas (I’m sure you can guess which one). Another was technically about New Year’s Eve, so I was willing to give them some leeway on that, but the last story was about an entire year. Only a single scene took place at Christmas, which I felt was pushing the definition of Christmas story-ness.

Anyway, back to Dan Fogelberg. This song takes place on Christmas Eve, but it’s really not about Christmas. It really could take place at any time of year, as it’s pretty much about getting drunk. In that respect, it does make a clever reference to “Auld Lang Syne,” as that song is about drinking in times of joy, and this song is about drinking because you suck at relationships. It’s one of those emotionally manipulative songs where you’re supposed to feel sorry for the characters, but just end up hating everybody for being so unable to get on with their lives that they’re sitting in a supermarket parking lot getting drunk with their high school sweetheart. I suppose I’m feeling generous enough to admit that at least it’s not twee, unlike that ridiculous “Christmas Shoes” song I hated on last year.

Here’s a video of Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Auld Lang Syne” where the creator seemed to take the drinking theme to heart by warping every shot into this weird beer goggle like mess.

Phew. I’m actually feeling much better about Christmas now, though that may just be the fact that I’ve gotten about 90% of my shopping done already. Regardless, I'm so mellow that I'm ready for any jokes you might have about my name. Fire away.

Happy Holidays, and may all your Christmas songs be the good versions!

Comments

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of a conversation I had with someone in my church when they heard my brother and I wanted to do a duet of "O Holy Night" on Christmas Eve.

The lady said, "I sure hope you can hit that high note." in this doubtful, snotty tone (I remember you saying something in the past about the singer BETTER be able to hit that high note, or just don't even try. At least I think it was you).

I considered being snotty back and telling her I was a first soprano studying classical song literature in college, but I decided to play nice and told her it was no problem. Oh Christmas Music. Always giving people a chance to be bitchy. ;-)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

It sounds like an opinion I would hold, but I would NEVER say that to someone who was in the process of attempting it. Geez, lady. Save that nasty for your blog!

[frenchroast.livejournal.com]

My problem with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra isn't the radio overplay (because I avoid the radio at all times of the year) but the fact that 2/3 of everything on their CDs is NOT rock+traditional Christmas music. If I want to hear snotty children or random vocalists singing random pieces of Christmas music strung together, I can get that pretty much anywhere else. I like the vast bulk of my Christmas music instrumental, or choral, because I'm picky about which versions I'll listen to with individual voices.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I feel that the problem with a vast amount of Christmas music is that most people are not picky, but are so unpicky as to drive the small percentage of people who are totally insane.

[da-pimpmasta.livejournal.com]

I... Your icon... It... I...

No words... Should have brought... A poet

[capri-chan.livejournal.com]

That is the best Christmas icon ever.

[onlyonechoice.livejournal.com]

All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

Oh god that SONG...my parents would constantly sing that around T-as-a-child. That one and "I'm Gettin' Nuffin' for Christmas", but that first song. *facepalm*

When I was a senior in high school, I was in a terrible car accident in early December - I had to be intubated, and the intubation was traumatic enough that I lost...yes. Two of my front teeth (well, one front tooth and the tooth to the left of it).

By the time I was out of the hospital, I wanted to find all the people who came to visit with me and punch them in the mouth after all of the, "I bet I know what YOU want for Christmas!"

Gah, that song. *shudder*

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

...that is even worse than having people make stupid "Noel" jokes your entire life. Because first there is trauma, and THEN THERE IS STUPID CHRISTMAS JOKES. I am so sorry.

[deadndried.livejournal.com]

Im with you on TSO. But its not only them, its any brand of xmas music. I thought I would love metal xmas song knowing my love for metal. But its just as annoying as metal rap.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Obviously, nothing can help Christmas music.

[laurenmitchell.livejournal.com]

The first song I think of when I hear the name 'Noelle' is not Christmas related. I doubt I need to name it for you.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes, there is that one, too.

I think everyone has at least one song their name features in so that everyone has at least one source of torment in their lifetime.

[paderau.livejournal.com]

I am sorry. I still work in retail, and so I still hear all the new versions of the songs. I die a little each time.

I don't think there is a song with my name in it, and so I leave this unique pain to you.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. That is a terrible death of a thousands cuts.

I hope you never know this pain of having your name sung at you, but I fear that someday a song shall be made with your name.

[osu-l-greenleaf.livejournal.com]

Oh how I look forward to your annual Christmas music rant ;-) And the funny thing is - I love Christmas music. Well, _good_ Christmas music. And you mock all the bad music I abhore, so it works out great! "Same Auld Lang Syne" is a _horrible_ song and should be lumped in the same category as "Last Christmas" by George Michael; i.e. NOT REAL CHRISTMAS SONGS. Heh, anyway, thanks for the laughs.

[firiel44.livejournal.com]

"Last Christmas" - oh gods, the pain. When I worked in the mall, every store seemed to wait for me to enter to play that, so I got it all day and then again every time I needed socks or tea or cookie sheets for my mom. One time I nearly dropped my stuff where I was standing and walked out, I was so sick of it. And it's always the super-hideous boy bad version too.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Argh, "Last Christmas." I swear some artists just randomly stick the word "Christmas" into their songs so they can get the extra airtime each year.

[sharvil1.livejournal.com]

Another song that is driving me crazy this year is “Same Auld Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg. I think we need to address what makes something a Christmas song. Does it have to be written for Christmas? About Christmas? Is simply referencing Christmas enough?

Oh, apparently you don't even have to mention Christmas for it to be a Christmas song. For some reason, the people who decide what Christmas music we are forced to get to listen to at work have decided that "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music is Christmas music. Why? I've never been able to figure it out.

(I was going to say that I liked "My Two Front Teeth," but I don't know that I've ever heard the whole song. I may just like the memories of my mother singing bits and pieces of it.)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

"My Favorite Things" has been in Christmas rotation for years, and I agree with you that I see no reason for it. Because it mentions packages? It's not like we have any shortage of Christmas songs.

[researchotaku.livejournal.com]

My uncle is named Noel and he was born around Christmas. But his mother was so evil that a. he never got two presents and b. she gave him her name as his middle name so it's not like he could just go by his middle name if he wished.

Which Christmas Dickens Super Remix did you find? Because my Remix had the same problem! There was A Christmas Carol (about Christmas), The Chimes (creepy as hell and about New Years' Eve), and the Cricket on the Hearth (which was set during winter... maybe? Was there even snow? And what's with Dickens and his creepy spirits molesting people anyway?) So, yeah, I was kind of annoyed too.

Speaking of Christmas Shoes: My brother and I made fun of that song all last Christmas by inserting horrible things instead of "shoes".

"Mister, can I buy this crack? For my mama, please?"

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Man, at least I have the benefit of not being born around Christmas so I can get birthday presents, too. There are many horrible things and ways to name your children, and some parents seem to have done them all.

The first two were in the Remix I read, and the third might have been Cricket on the Hearth, expect I can't remember a damn thing about the story other than I was very annoyed at the lack of any winter holiday focus.

That is the only way to deal with "Christmas Shoes." Bravo!

[adam-0oo.livejournal.com]

Every year, this reminds me of About a Boy. Which is awesome.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I have to admit, I've never read About a Boy, though I saw the movie six(?) or so years ago.

[priscillapuck.livejournal.com]

Did you ever read Switcharound, by Lois Lowry? It was the sequel to The One Hundredth Thing About Caroline, and both are quality, funny books. One annoying thing in S. was when Caroline goes to visit her dad, stepmom and half-sibs and she learns she has baby twin sisters who were born on Christmas Day. So the stepmom makes Caroline and J.P. guess what their names are. They turn out to be Holly and Ivy and I always thought that sucked, when I was a kid. And your mention of Noel/Noelle just now reminded me of this book scene I haven't thought of in twenty years and I still think naming your twin Xmas bday kids Holly and Ivy sucks. Even though I have nothing against either name. Caroline obviosuly agreed, and I think I fell for Lois Lowry right then.

Anyways, yeah, two front teeth sucks. My mom used to sing it and I hated it but I didn't want to be rude. Then I lost my two front teeth around Christmas and prayed for them to grow in quickly because I didn't want my mom and aunt harmonizing.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I've haven't ever read any Lois Lowry, but I agree with you and the characters. I like the names Holly and Ivy, but theme names are pretty much always a bad idea.

I don't think I ever lost my two front teeth at the same time, so thank goodness I never had to worry about harmonizing bad Christmas music.

[capri-chan.livejournal.com]

Oddly, I've actually been able to ignore the Christmas music during those few times I've been out.

Except Little Drummer Boy. I barely notice that music is playing at all for every other song, but the second that one starts playing, I become horribly aware.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

PA RUM PUM PUM PUM.

Still my least favorite Christmas song ever.

There should be a law...

[musicalqueen101.livejournal.com]

This year, during the pain and agony that is finals week, there is one song that has risen unbidden into my head--"I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas." Which I think vies for the worst Christmas song along with "two front teeth" as they both have the same demonic qualities.

I agree with you so much when it comes to TSO, they don't really do it for me and everyone I know thinks they are the earth and sky. Personally, I'm a Mannheim Steamroller girl when it comes to Christmas music. Love 'em.

So this year my sister gave me the Tenth Anniversary Carols for A Cure CD. Carols for a Cure is a series of CDs where the casts of Broadway shows record covers of Christmas carols. The proceeds from the CDs go to Broadway Cares and Equity Fights AIDS. So, knowing that I love everything musical theatre, my sister got me the CD. And then we listened. And then we wept. Some of the recordings were good ("The Vontrapp Family Singers'" version of The Holly and the Ivy--or the cast of The Lion King with The Carol of the Bells) but many of them were like "we can't be buggered to take time out of our regular rehearsals to practice for this." Oh well, I guess she at least gave money to fight AIDS.

Overall, I have decided that I really don't do contemporary Christmas music. I'm devoted to the classics. To that end, the Vanessa Williams-Bobby Caldwell version of Baby It's Cold Outside is one of the worst musical recordings ever made. Hands down.

Re: There should be a law...

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I have never heard of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" before. If my speakers were working (old computer is old), I would have to look that up. It sounds terrible.

I'm glad the proceeds of that CD went to fight AIDS, but if Broadways casts can't be arsed to sing Christmas songs, I don't see why anyone else should be. No wonder most contemporary carols suck.

[smilevampy.livejournal.com]

I agree with you on Christmas songs.
Although I do love celtic, instrumental, and sometimes full-out choir renditions of the classics.

But none of those genres apply to "My Two Front Teeth." *shudder*

Everytime I hear "White Christmas", I think about Bing Crosby getting drunk and beating his kids. Which, awfully enough, brings a smile to my face.

A really awesome Christmas movie is a 1970 version of a Christmas Carol, called "Scrooge," with Albert Finney. It has such heartwarming holiday song classics as "I Hate People." Also, Scrooge goes to Hell.

Quick question: Did you ever find the document for the Breadbox Edition of Rudolf? That one was always one of my favorites of yours...

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I have a bunch of Bing Crosby songs (not "White Christmas," though, as I kind of dislike that song), so now I shall be thinking of that, too.

"I Hate People" sounds like my kind of song, much like the first song in the Muppet Christmas Carol, describing how horrible Scrooge is. Same theme, different perspectives.

Sadly, I never found a copy of the Rudolph BBE. I still have all the notes, and I tell myself every December to rewrite it, but I always miss it when its on TV. I should just buy a copy; they're $9.00 at CVS.

[irishmastermind.livejournal.com]

Dude. DUDE. So much word on the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. I've always found them pretty mediocre.

As for bad Christmas songs, though, my all time most-hated is that "Simply having a wonderful Christmastime" turd that all the radio stations have to play every five minutes. D:

But bad songs and worse name jokes aside, Merry Christmas!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

You know, I beginning to wonder who all these people who love Trans Siberian Orchestra are, since everyone has pretty much agreed with me. Unless they are hiding in fear of our collective rage.

I have not heard any Paul McCartney this year, and I hope to keep it that way.

And a Merry Christmas to you, too!

[star-s-pheonix.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I just have to say you have my sympathy about the name thing. My name is appropriate for teasing at anytime of year. Between being called a flower, asked where Clyde is, being called a chocolate treat, and sung to about being brought back to someone from over the ocean, I'm ready to change my name. I normally don't think about it, as I got fairly used to it in my childhood. But now I work in retail and my name is on my badge and the other day some jerk decided it'd be fun to torture the overworked salesgirl by singing at her in the most annoying voice ever. I couldn't deck him because: a) he was a teenager, and therefore under protection of the law, and b) he was a customer, and I'd have most likely been fired. I'd go by my middle name but no one around here pronounces it correctly, and when I do it for them I get asked "Are yeew a ferner?" (Foreigner). I hate the south.

Anyways! Sorry, had a little rant in me apparently. As for the Christmas songs.... As I said, I'm in retail now, so I get to hear all the newest and some of the old christmas songs. And for some reason, the people who play the music at my store got their hands on a CD of christmas songs sung by children. JUST children.. and they definately are not the Vienna Boys Choir, or the American Boys Choir, both of whom I can actually listen to. -_- *dies*

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Everyone has a bit of rant in them, I think, especially about names. I mean, you're stuck with it your whole life unless you go through a ridiculous process to change it.

Is it like Kidz Bop Christmas (surely such a monstrosity exists since they're up to Kidz Bop 20 or so)? That must be horrible. Even the commercials make me yearn for the original versions, no matter how overplayed.

[star-s-pheonix.livejournal.com]

Ew. I hope that doesn't actually exist. I don't get why the Kidz Bop CD's were ever thought up, aside from a way to squeeze more money from parents. But yeah, whatever christmas cd they have is almost exactly like the Kidz Bop thing. Horrible is an understatement.

[wonderfulwocket.livejournal.com]

Yeah, FUCK the Trans Siberian Orchestra!

I just want to say that I DO enjoy "Do You Hear What I Hear," but ONLY when it is sung by Bing Crosby. I don't care if he is a drunk. He and the rest of the Rat Pack genre were great.

The Rat Pack was the drinking man's Justice League.

Hey, I'm thinking of visiting down DC wayz, would you entertain the thought of a visit from the Marty Fairy? We could do something crazy and exciting that we've NEVER done before, like see a movie and go to Applebee's! :O

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Bing Crosby's "Do You Hear What I Hear" is seriously the only Christmas song that stays on my iPod year round. It's totally the best version; no competition.

Dude, I'd be happy to see you any time. Just let me know when you're planning on making the trip. I have no definite plans in the future.

[aussie-callie.livejournal.com]

I must say--Trans Siberian Orchestra's "Sarajevo" must be heard in person to be appreciated. The one time I did hear it in person, it was thrilling enough to make me forget to breathe a little. But it did get overplayed for a bit there.

My least favorite song though has to be that one set to the tune of Canon in D ("This night we pray our lives will show...something something something...) You know the one. I've come to hate Canon in D like a cellist.

I also have to wonder--does anyone else's local Christmas station play "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music? It drives me absolutely crazy. IT IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG!!!

*ahem*

In other news...this is funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_xSbiGWzuQ&feature=channel_page

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

One of the local radio stations plays "My Favorite Things" every year, as if there was some shortage of Christmas songs, and they need Julie Andrews to make up the difference. I don't even know.