PSA: Spider-Man 3

[evadne_noel]

Note: This is less of a review, and more of a Public Service Announcement. There are spoilers below, but I really feel that you need to know in order to understand.

Friends, I think it is clear that Sam Raimi does not want to make Spider-Man movies anymore. I think we should respect his wishes and not fork over any more money to see this in the theater.

How do I know this? Because Spider-Man 3 is not a Spider-Man movie, but a parody of a Spider-Man movie. Because nothing else but a parody would have not only two musical numbers BUT ALSO a dance number. Only a parody would have dialogue like that which spewed from the mouth of Bernard “I Wish I Was Alfred Pennyworth, But I’m Composed Entirely of Plywood” the Butler. Only a parody would have a transformation to The Dark Side accompanied by emo-hair, eyeliner and enough sashaying down the street to make John Travolta green with envy. Only a parody would let Stan Lee talk on screen for as long as Spider-Man 3 did.

Now there is nothing inherently wrong with a parody. Sam Raimi makes damn good parodies, and I fully admit that I will probably buy Spider-Man 3 to watch while knocking back a number of hard ciders and laughing myself sick. However, it is a question of tone. One does not usually start one’s series with something as meant, if a bit saccharine as Spider-Man, continue it with the cheesier, but still as serious, Spider-Man 2, and then end it with a guy made of sand shedding a single tear (despite the fact that he is MADE OF SAND and would probably lack tear ducts) before melting away into the sunrise.

So, I am asking you, no, pleading with you, to help Sam Raimi. Because if this movie continues to make money hand over fist, he will be forced to make Spider-Man 4. Who knows how far he will go if he is forced to make a movie about someone like Electro, the guy with the starfish-shaped, neon-yellow mask, or Mysterio, who’s wearing a fishbowl on his head for God’s sake. There is only so much he (and I) can take.

Comments

[grubby-tap.livejournal.com]

I WANT TO SEE THIS SOOOO SOOOOO BAD.

[grubby-tap.livejournal.com]

PS. Peter Parker gets a butler? Bwah?!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

No, no. It's Harry who has a butler. A butler that pops out of nowhere to deliver a stirring motivational speech to Harry. And really, the movie is not that great.

[grubby-tap.livejournal.com]

Oh, Harry. Too sexy for your own good. Too sexy to live...

Yes, it sounds ghastly, but that's the sort of movie I love to watch with the girls. We made quite a meal of Eragon :]

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Well, then. This ought to be just the movie for you.

[graceful-dave.livejournal.com]

I hate to say this, but I believe he's been slated for another three movies, all of them having the words "man" and "spider" in them, most likely followed by a number. I would also like to point out that sand does NOT fly. Sandman is not Weatherman. Another point on the parody is that the most expensive movie ever made should NOT be a parody. Especially when they spent all the money animating sand. And finally, I would like to thank you for this PSA, and for sharing my feelings on this "movie." If you're ever in the Vancouver, BC part of the world, we can catch the next one.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Three more movies? Oh, no. That's terrible news. I can't even imagine what number 6 will be like.

I definitely agree about the cost. If you are spending that much on a movie, it should be making me stare in horror as I leave the theater.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

Say no more, say no more! I'm one step ahead of you. Sam got $6 - but no more! (Oh, Tobey. I weep for you. Not for you, Kirsten. I weep most of all for you, James Franco and Topher Grace - you deserve better.)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I applaud your ability to spend less than I did on this movie. Hopefully, at least Franco and Grace will be able to move onto better projects, even if Tobey is stuck making even more of these.

[zakuro-neko.livejournal.com]

Good to know that someone else was reminded of John Travolta during that movie. While my boyfriend and I both agreed that the entire emo bit was terrifyingly hilarious, he just didn't understand why I kept comparing it to Saturday Night Fever.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, the walking down the street scene is classic! I'm sorry your boyfriend is not familiar with the pop culture hilarity that is John Travolta swinging a paint can.

[marikenobi.livejournal.com]

Oh we kept making references to IMOTEHP and Travolta.

It was just so sad.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Joking is all that could be done in the face of Spider-Man 3, I swear.

[piiak.livejournal.com]

Forgive me for forking out the $8.50 I paid. I agree with you and felt the need to share my enthusiasm in the theater...although no one else was laughing as hard as I was...well, not really even laughing at all... (Does anyone else think that Venom deserved more than 5 minutes at the end?)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, I also paid $8.50 (and that was the student rate!). I can't believe your theater wasn't laughing at all! When Peter brushed his hair into his face, my theater burst out laughing.

I also think Venom should have gotten more time, but then the Symbiote didn't even take over Peter until half-way through the movie. Too many villians syndrome, like the later Batman movies.

[hikoslover.livejournal.com]

Your remarks about Sandman reminded me of an episode of The Soup I saw last night on E! - they were talking about how Spiderman had to face his scariest enemy yet: "SANDMAN! He gets in your shoes! He gets in your bikini! He won't go down the drain!"

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Honestly, of all villains. Sandman. But, they have a point. He does get everywhere. Even if he shouldn't be able to fly.

[priscillapuck.livejournal.com]

Well. Looks like I was right to stick to my guns. I think it's hilarious that I have a dear friend who called it the "best of the three." Even the trailer doesn't convince me of that.

Your Review/PSA cracketh me upeth. So, it was worth you spending your $.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah. You were right. You would not believe how many times Erin told me it sucked.

I wonder what the criteria for "best of the three" is, in this case.

[priscillapuck.livejournal.com]

Maybe I misheard. :) Maybe he meant "best of the threes"... Superman III wasn't so great, and Batman Forever might not have float his boat. Hmm, dunno.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Well, if you're comparing to the third movie of other superhero films, I guess it would be the best of them. Not that this is very stiff competition.

spider man channeling other movies...

[(Anonymous)]

Does anyone else feel like Spiderman 3 was channeling Jurassic Park and Ghostbusters a bit throughout the film? Not only does the Sandman remind me of the Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters....but i swear on my mother's life that they stole Venom's "scream" that he does from Jurassic Park. He sounded EXACTLY like the raptors from those movies.

Someone has got to sue for copyright laws soon.

Cheers,

~ Victoria

Re: spider man channeling other movies...

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

You know, I can't remember where else I've heard it, but I swear that raptor scream has become public domain or something, because I think I've heard it in a lot of other movies. It's sort of weird.

Re: spider man channeling other movies...

[(Anonymous)]

I had the same feeling. What came to my mind was the Wilhema scream they used in Star Wars, being a fan and all. When Peter Parker turned *cough* "badass" *cough* I torn between groaning in despair and bursting out loud in laughter. The latter won out.

Re: spider man channeling other movies...

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

A wise choice. Much better for the nerves.

[alory-shannon.livejournal.com]

I laughed -so- hard throughout this movie...but not for the reasons the film-makers would have wanted. It was so awful, I actually enjoyed it--the snarking was PRIME.


Besides the Travolta-esque dancing (OH my gosh, so TERRIBLE and HORRIFYING and FUNNY), I think my two favourite parts were these:

Spidey: *DRAMATICALLY RUNS IN FRONT OF THE BILLOWING AMERICAN FLAG*
Me: Well, they killed off Captain America--someone's gotta do it.

and

Harry: "Hey, Pete! I changed my mind, I'm here to help!"
Me: You IDIOT. You're an ex-villian! When you start working WITH the good guy? First-class ticket to the morgue. ...Although this *does* give you the opportunity to fulfill that lovely foreshadowing from earlier and die for your friends.


And I REALLY agree with the tone thing.

So.

Movie #1 was about - RESPONSIBILITY.

Movie #2 was about - BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF. (AND PRIORITIES, AND KEEPING THEM STRAIGHT.)

Movie #3 was about - CHOICES. YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE, KIDS. REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU GET TURNED INTO A GIANT LIVING SAND SCULPTURE.

[(Anonymous)]

Am I the only one that laughed histerically when Peter Parker turned into voldemort...

well, at least he stole his wardrobe.

Me and my friend died.

And, like you, The sad thing is that despite how terrible this movie was, I would probably pay to see it again. Just to laugh. I almost fell out of my chair the first time.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Oh, god. The American flag. How many times does Sam Raimi feel it is necessary to do this? It is deeply cheesy.

And giant sand monster is not very sympathetic. He didn't want to do this! Which is why he was totally trying to crush you minutes ago!

[(Anonymous)]

Lol, I saw this movie last night and thought some of the same things you did. Why did Stan Lee have lines in this movie? He is merely supposed to make a cameo, meaning he's some random old guy reading a paper in the background. He shouldn't be saying anything. Emo Peter Parker was not what I had in mind for someone struggling with their dark side. When Peter brushes his hair in his eyes for the first time, my entire theater started laughing. A crappy dye job and black eye liner does not make someone badass. My favorite part of this movie (and half my motivation for seeing it) was Eddie Brock/Venom. Too bad he doesn't really do anything until the end. To make a long post short, please tell me you'll be putting up a BBE of this movie!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I was so embarassed for Stan Lee. Just...stop talking Stan! You sound senile!

The hair moment was pretty much the beginning of the end in my theater. People didn't stop laughing after that.

There may eventually be a BBE, but since I haven't done Spidey 2, it may be a while. Pirates comes first.

[ma-vie-en-paris.livejournal.com]

A crappy dye job and black eye liner does not make someone badass.

See, that's where five seasons of Alias would disagree with you.

Flag? Eyeroll.
Struttin' Spidey? Eyeroll.
Resolution of plot about rejection of darker side taking place at dawn? Had to send out for extra eyeroll.
Overlooking the fact that the Sandman shouldn't have been able to cry his 'single manly tear'? Well, sure, NOW I'm eyerolling.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

You'd think they'd be some sort of ceiling to eyerolling, but no. Spidey 3 surpasses all expectations.

[capri-chan.livejournal.com]

As I said before in my entry, I wasn't laughing at the emo bits, because they caused me physical pain. There's only so many times I can tolerate slapping my forehead and whisper-yelling "You idiot" before I just go into a stupor.

Alas, poor Venom. I ask yet again, why are the villains more interesting than the good guys? It makes me like them more, which then results in all my favorite characters dying.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

It depends on the villian, but I also often find them more interesting than the good guys. Unless the good guys are legitimately conflicted, and not just undergoing severe fashion trauma, like poor Pete.

[tanaraniel.livejournal.com]

I saw Spiderman 3 a week ago (for only 3$ at the local college town movie theater), and I meant to reply to this post then, but I think only now have I fully digested and accepted the movie as being real and not just a surreal dream.

The nice thing about seeing it in the college town theater is that the audience is pretty witty itself. After Peter's Venom-induced vengeance spree, when Aunt Mae visits Peter for her inspirational monologue, Peter gets a funny look on his face, and someone shouted, "Kill her!"

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Aww, no one was actively funny in my audience. I wanted to scream "WTF WTF WTF" during the dance number, but there were children directly behind me.

Off-topic

[(Anonymous)]

Sooo, when are you going to give a review of Pirates III? I can't wait to read it...

Re: Off-topic

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Just posted this evening, anonymous friend!

[idrach.livejournal.com]

My theater wasn't too bad about the movie (though when Topher Grace made his sadface, I wondered if I should laugh or not because it was exactly the same face that he made as Eric Foreman when he was pretending to be sad. But I decided not to because no one else was). My friend's theatre on the other hand... when MJ kissed Harry, all the guys in the theatre started shouting "slut!" when they, you know, didn't do the same when Peter kissed Bryce Howard's character.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Of course they didn't. Well, there's my genuinely depressing thought about Spider-Man 3.

[idrach.livejournal.com]

I can surpass that genuinely depressing thought about SP3 if you so desire. :/

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

My morbid curiosity requires me to ask how.

[idrach.livejournal.com]

They cheered when Peter hit her.

I wish I was making this up, but you can go ask edensrose, she's the one who told me this.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Ick. And yet I am not surprised. God, I can't even imagine the thought process.

[(Anonymous)]

I hate to tell you that your PSA didn't work. I really had no desire to watch the movie until I read it. All I needed was to hear emo and dance sequences and I was hooked. Lol, so I did go see it and it was everything I expected and more! I spent the majority of the movie looking forward to emo!Spiderman, actually. Was it just me or was the first, oh, 45 minutes of the movie just utterly boring, not to mention rather pointless? I'm beginning to think of the movies themselves as PSAs...be responsible kids! make good choices! remember who you are!

Here's hoping that they scrap future Spiderman movies or at least don't give free reign with the script.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Whoops, I have had the opposite effect. I must still learn to use my powers for good instead of evil.

These movies have always been really ham-handed with the morals, I agree. This one wasn't even the most obvious, but maybe the hilarity of emo!Spider and the boring beginning gave one more time to notice.

[paderau.livejournal.com]

This was the last bit of American popular culture I saw before I left for China. I spent one very long bus ride in Beijing explaining to one of my classmates, in a very slow voice, why this movie was not the best one ever. No, I don't care if it has ties into Mr Raimi's previous works. Yes, it is actually as bad as I am saying it is. I was completely dismayed, and I had the misfortune to be in a theater filled with people who seemed to be enjoying it.

I bring you gifts (http://applegeeks.com/lite/index.php?aglitecomic=2007-05-07).

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

You're back!!

Yes, that comic strip encapsulates Spidey 3 exactly. I am reminded of how sad I was when I saw the movie. Your classmate believed it was good? I must question their taste.