We all knew it was coming
Aug. 19th, 2004 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evadne_noelWell, folks, they got me. The day I saw fanfiction.net’s proclamation that scripts were not allowed and would be policed more thoroughly, I knew my number was up. That’s why I’ve finally caved and gotten a livejournal. From this point on, all my Breadbox Editions and anything I chose to write in script format will be put up here. I’ll still use FF.net for “Once Upon a Freakin’ Time” and other short stories, but I don’t feel like tempting FF.net anymore.
But, hey, bonus! If you come here, you’ll see my short stories as I write them! I usually don’t update my short stories until I have three, but anything I write will be here as soon as it’s done.
I’m sorry I can’t use fanfiction.net anymore, but the rules are the rules. If you came from the link at my account there, thanks for stopping by. If you didn’t, well, you probably know me and think I’m a huge nerd for writing fanfiction. Well, nuts to you.
Here’s the first Breadbox that I’ll be posting in my livejournal. It’s the original one too!
(Author's Note: Idea for abridged script taken from Rod Hilton and The Editing Room. Content is mine. Planet of the Apes does not belong to me. It belongs to the guy who wrote it, Twentieth Century Fox, and all other associates.)
PLANET OF THE APES: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
INT. FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP
MARK WAHLBURG is running a flight simulation with a CHIMP. Apparently, animal rights activists have had no effect because he teases it mercilessly. SOME WOMAN warns him not to tease primates or they get cranky. This is FORESHADOWING.
SOME GUY
There is some pseudo-sciency thing up ahead. Maybe we should
send an ape to check it out. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.
CHIMP predictably gets lost in SPACE WARP.
MARK WAHLBURG
Now I have to follow my ape into danger. I'm sure no
one will notice if I steal a pod.
NO ONE does.
MARK also predictably gets lost in SPACE WARP. His CGI pod crashes into a planet.
EXT. PLANET MUCH LIKE, BUT NOT AT ALL, EARTH
MARK WAHLBURG
Well, this is a pleasant place.
APES appear. They are extremely cool looking and beat the crap out of MARK.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
What the hell? I’m bad? How did this happen?
TIM ROTH
Grrr. I'm also bad. Watch me chew the scenery to shreds.
APES round up humans, including MARK, KRIS KRISTOFFERSON and VACANT EYE CANDY, and take them to the typically dark TIM BURTON ape city.
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Really, I don't see the need for lighting. Ever.
INT. GOTHAM CITY
PAUL GIAMATTI
I'm scum! And the comic relief. Who's surprised?
Now, let's brand and sell these humans.
TIM ROTH
I don't like Mark, despite the fact he hasn't said a word
to me yet. Nor will he ever, for that matter.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I, on the other hand, love Mark despite the fact that the first
time we met, he threatened to kill me. But, he's such a hottie!
MARK WAHLBURG
You're pretty hot yourself, for an ape. Pity I'm required
by law to fall in love with the token human babe.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Why don't I help you escape? Then maybe you'll love me.
CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA
I'm in a movie and I'm not evil. I must die.
HELENA helps MARK and THE FUNKY BUNCH escape from the oppressively dark city. They do this by running through the rooms of apes getting ready for bed.
AUDIENCE
So, do all these apes live in the same house or what?
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
It's supposed to be funny.
AUDIENCE
Just stick to action please.
MICHAEL kills KRIS.
VACANT EYE CANDY
Father!
AUDIENCE
Ohmigod! It talks!
Characters take PAUL GIAMATTI hostage. He will be funny, but serve no real purpose.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
We must go to the mythical birthplace of the apes, CALIMA!
EXT. A RIVER
MARK WAHLBURG
We have to cross this river, but there is an ape encampment
here, so we have to wait for night. Let's kill some time
with exposition.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Humans are mistreated. Tim despises all humans
for no particular reason. I think you're cute.
CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA
I used to know Michael and Tim, but Tim ruined my career.
There is some vague tension between Michael and me.
I don't approve of you, Mark.
PAUL GIAMATTI
Why am I here again?
Night arrives so that TIM BURTON can film something no one can see.
The characters steal some horses, which exist despite the fact that this is MUCH LIKE, BUT NOT AT ALL, EARTH, and cross the river after a terrific flight from the ape army. Unfortunately, TIM BURTON has decided to light his shots with PHOTOLUMINESCENT JELLYFISH, so the audience has to use its imagination.
EXT. THE FORBIDDEN ZONE, ER, I MEAN, CALIMA
The characters arrive at some RUINS.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WITH A BRAIN STEM
It's Mark's ship.
MARK WAHLBURG
It's my ship!
REST OF THE AUDIENCE
No way!
Amazingly, after thousands of years, the ship still works. We learn that the ship's crash, the apes' domination, the humans' enslavement, and pretty much everything else, is MARK'S FAULT.
MARK WAHLBURG
Damn.
INT. GOTHAM CITY
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Charlton Heston is dying, in a gratuitous cameo.
CHARLTON HESTON
Does anyone else find it slightly creepy that I am
warning about the destructive powers of guns?
TIM ROTH
ARGH! NOW I MUST SHOUT AND DEVOUR
MORE SCENERY!! DIE, MARK, DIE!
EXT. RUINS
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Time for another action sequence.
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Wait, it's not night yet!
AUDIENCE attacks TIM BURTON and threatens to give him a BUZZ CUT if he doesn't film an action sequence during the day.
HUMANS have gathered to fight the APES, and are expecting MARK to lead them.
MARK WAHLBURG
Yeah, right.
VACANT EYE CANDY
Seeing as this is your fault, you are morally
obligated to lead us.
MARK WAHLBURG
Then why don't I come up with a really awkward
looking plot and then you can beat the living daylights
out of the apes?
MARK has a scene with CHILD ACTOR that makes it seem as if they have a relationship, despite the fact they have barely spoken to each other before.
AUDIENCE
I wonder why it seems that Child Actor's part
has been edited out.
CHILD ACTOR
Now I will whine, disobey critical orders and almost
get Mark and myself killed. Damn, I'm annoying.
AUDIENCE
Ah. That would be it.
MARK blows something up, causing APES to be engulfed in flame and thrown up into the air. Yet, NOT ONE OF THEM dies. HUMANS quickly, and pitifully, attempt to rectify this situation.
TOKEN BLACK GUY immediately dies.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Cary, it appears that our vague tension has
come to the foreground.
CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA
Yes. Pity our climatic battle will last all
of two seconds.
MICHAEL whales on CARY.
TIM ROTH
Finally, I have caught Mark. Thrill as
I beat the crap out of him.
AUDIENCE
Wait, Mark is the hero! What will happen?
A PLOT CONTRIVANCE arrives in the form of the LOST CHIMP from the beginning to fix everything.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Our great mythical hero! I have found a
shred of humanity, er, apity, er, whatever, that
will allow me to betray Tim so the humans
can win.
MARK WAHLBURG
Now, I could stay here, where there are people
who revere me, and two females who adore me, or
I could take a chance and try to get back to my ship.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Before you go, let me spout off some bull
about your myth in the future. Now kiss my makeup.
AUDIENCE
I’m not quite sure how to feel about this.
VACANT EYE CANDY
(stares blankly)
MARK WAHLBURG
Despite the fact I had more chemistry with Helena,
you get the better kiss.
MARK flies off toward THE ENDING. THE ENDING runs MARK down, and then promptly sits on the AUDIENCE'S head.
AUDIENCE
Mmph! Can't breathe!
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Haha! Now you'll have to watch the sequel.
Which I will never make!
But, hey, bonus! If you come here, you’ll see my short stories as I write them! I usually don’t update my short stories until I have three, but anything I write will be here as soon as it’s done.
I’m sorry I can’t use fanfiction.net anymore, but the rules are the rules. If you came from the link at my account there, thanks for stopping by. If you didn’t, well, you probably know me and think I’m a huge nerd for writing fanfiction. Well, nuts to you.
Here’s the first Breadbox that I’ll be posting in my livejournal. It’s the original one too!
(Author's Note: Idea for abridged script taken from Rod Hilton and The Editing Room. Content is mine. Planet of the Apes does not belong to me. It belongs to the guy who wrote it, Twentieth Century Fox, and all other associates.)
FADE IN:
INT. FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP
MARK WAHLBURG is running a flight simulation with a CHIMP. Apparently, animal rights activists have had no effect because he teases it mercilessly. SOME WOMAN warns him not to tease primates or they get cranky. This is FORESHADOWING.
There is some pseudo-sciency thing up ahead. Maybe we should
send an ape to check it out. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.
CHIMP predictably gets lost in SPACE WARP.
Now I have to follow my ape into danger. I'm sure no
one will notice if I steal a pod.
NO ONE does.
MARK also predictably gets lost in SPACE WARP. His CGI pod crashes into a planet.
EXT. PLANET MUCH LIKE, BUT NOT AT ALL, EARTH
Well, this is a pleasant place.
APES appear. They are extremely cool looking and beat the crap out of MARK.
What the hell? I’m bad? How did this happen?
TIM ROTH
Grrr. I'm also bad. Watch me chew the scenery to shreds.
APES round up humans, including MARK, KRIS KRISTOFFERSON and VACANT EYE CANDY, and take them to the typically dark TIM BURTON ape city.
Really, I don't see the need for lighting. Ever.
INT. GOTHAM CITY
I'm scum! And the comic relief. Who's surprised?
Now, let's brand and sell these humans.
TIM ROTH
I don't like Mark, despite the fact he hasn't said a word
to me yet. Nor will he ever, for that matter.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I, on the other hand, love Mark despite the fact that the first
time we met, he threatened to kill me. But, he's such a hottie!
MARK WAHLBURG
You're pretty hot yourself, for an ape. Pity I'm required
by law to fall in love with the token human babe.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Why don't I help you escape? Then maybe you'll love me.
CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA
I'm in a movie and I'm not evil. I must die.
HELENA helps MARK and THE FUNKY BUNCH escape from the oppressively dark city. They do this by running through the rooms of apes getting ready for bed.
So, do all these apes live in the same house or what?
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
It's supposed to be funny.
AUDIENCE
Just stick to action please.
MICHAEL kills KRIS.
Father!
AUDIENCE
Ohmigod! It talks!
Characters take PAUL GIAMATTI hostage. He will be funny, but serve no real purpose.
We must go to the mythical birthplace of the apes, CALIMA!
EXT. A RIVER
We have to cross this river, but there is an ape encampment
here, so we have to wait for night. Let's kill some time
with exposition.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Humans are mistreated. Tim despises all humans
for no particular reason. I think you're cute.
CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA
I used to know Michael and Tim, but Tim ruined my career.
There is some vague tension between Michael and me.
I don't approve of you, Mark.
PAUL GIAMATTI
Why am I here again?
Night arrives so that TIM BURTON can film something no one can see.
The characters steal some horses, which exist despite the fact that this is MUCH LIKE, BUT NOT AT ALL, EARTH, and cross the river after a terrific flight from the ape army. Unfortunately, TIM BURTON has decided to light his shots with PHOTOLUMINESCENT JELLYFISH, so the audience has to use its imagination.
EXT. THE FORBIDDEN ZONE, ER, I MEAN, CALIMA
The characters arrive at some RUINS.
It's Mark's ship.
MARK WAHLBURG
It's my ship!
REST OF THE AUDIENCE
No way!
Amazingly, after thousands of years, the ship still works. We learn that the ship's crash, the apes' domination, the humans' enslavement, and pretty much everything else, is MARK'S FAULT.
Damn.
INT. GOTHAM CITY
Charlton Heston is dying, in a gratuitous cameo.
CHARLTON HESTON
Does anyone else find it slightly creepy that I am
warning about the destructive powers of guns?
TIM ROTH
ARGH! NOW I MUST SHOUT AND DEVOUR
MORE SCENERY!! DIE, MARK, DIE!
EXT. RUINS
Time for another action sequence.
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Wait, it's not night yet!
AUDIENCE attacks TIM BURTON and threatens to give him a BUZZ CUT if he doesn't film an action sequence during the day.
HUMANS have gathered to fight the APES, and are expecting MARK to lead them.
Yeah, right.
VACANT EYE CANDY
Seeing as this is your fault, you are morally
obligated to lead us.
MARK WAHLBURG
Then why don't I come up with a really awkward
looking plot and then you can beat the living daylights
out of the apes?
MARK has a scene with CHILD ACTOR that makes it seem as if they have a relationship, despite the fact they have barely spoken to each other before.
I wonder why it seems that Child Actor's part
has been edited out.
CHILD ACTOR
Now I will whine, disobey critical orders and almost
get Mark and myself killed. Damn, I'm annoying.
AUDIENCE
Ah. That would be it.
MARK blows something up, causing APES to be engulfed in flame and thrown up into the air. Yet, NOT ONE OF THEM dies. HUMANS quickly, and pitifully, attempt to rectify this situation.
TOKEN BLACK GUY immediately dies.
Cary, it appears that our vague tension has
come to the foreground.
CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA
Yes. Pity our climatic battle will last all
of two seconds.
MICHAEL whales on CARY.
Finally, I have caught Mark. Thrill as
I beat the crap out of him.
AUDIENCE
Wait, Mark is the hero! What will happen?
A PLOT CONTRIVANCE arrives in the form of the LOST CHIMP from the beginning to fix everything.
Our great mythical hero! I have found a
shred of humanity, er, apity, er, whatever, that
will allow me to betray Tim so the humans
can win.
MARK WAHLBURG
Now, I could stay here, where there are people
who revere me, and two females who adore me, or
I could take a chance and try to get back to my ship.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Before you go, let me spout off some bull
about your myth in the future. Now kiss my makeup.
AUDIENCE
I’m not quite sure how to feel about this.
VACANT EYE CANDY
(stares blankly)
MARK WAHLBURG
Despite the fact I had more chemistry with Helena,
you get the better kiss.
MARK flies off toward THE ENDING. THE ENDING runs MARK down, and then promptly sits on the AUDIENCE'S head.
Mmph! Can't breathe!
DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Haha! Now you'll have to watch the sequel.
Which I will never make!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: WHAT?!?!
Date: 2004-08-20 05:02 pm (UTC)Glad you're still with me.