We all knew it was coming

[evadne_noel]

Well, folks, they got me. The day I saw fanfiction.net’s proclamation that scripts were not allowed and would be policed more thoroughly, I knew my number was up. That’s why I’ve finally caved and gotten a livejournal. From this point on, all my Breadbox Editions and anything I chose to write in script format will be put up here. I’ll still use FF.net for “Once Upon a Freakin’ Time” and other short stories, but I don’t feel like tempting FF.net anymore.

But, hey, bonus! If you come here, you’ll see my short stories as I write them! I usually don’t update my short stories until I have three, but anything I write will be here as soon as it’s done.

I’m sorry I can’t use fanfiction.net anymore, but the rules are the rules. If you came from the link at my account there, thanks for stopping by. If you didn’t, well, you probably know me and think I’m a huge nerd for writing fanfiction. Well, nuts to you.

Here’s the first Breadbox that I’ll be posting in my livejournal. It’s the original one too!

(Author's Note: Idea for abridged script taken from Rod Hilton and The Editing Room. Content is mine. Planet of the Apes does not belong to me. It belongs to the guy who wrote it, Twentieth Century Fox, and all other associates.)

PLANET OF THE APES: BREADBOX EDITION


FADE IN:

INT. FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP

MARK WAHLBURG is running a flight simulation with a CHIMP. Apparently, animal rights activists have had no effect because he teases it mercilessly. SOME WOMAN warns him not to tease primates or they get cranky. This is FORESHADOWING.

SOME GUY
There is some pseudo-sciency thing up ahead. Maybe we should
send an ape to check it out. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

CHIMP predictably gets lost in SPACE WARP.

MARK WAHLBURG
Now I have to follow my ape into danger. I'm sure no
one will notice if I steal a pod.

NO ONE does.

MARK also predictably gets lost in SPACE WARP. His CGI pod crashes into a planet.


EXT. PLANET MUCH LIKE, BUT NOT AT ALL, EARTH

MARK WAHLBURG
Well, this is a pleasant place.

APES appear. They are extremely cool looking and beat the crap out of MARK.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
What the hell? I’m bad? How did this happen?

TIM ROTH
Grrr. I'm also bad. Watch me chew the scenery to shreds.

APES round up humans, including MARK, KRIS KRISTOFFERSON and VACANT EYE CANDY, and take them to the typically dark TIM BURTON ape city.

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Really, I don't see the need for lighting. Ever.


INT. GOTHAM CITY

PAUL GIAMATTI
I'm scum! And the comic relief. Who's surprised?
Now, let's brand and sell these humans.

TIM ROTH
I don't like Mark, despite the fact he hasn't said a word
to me yet. Nor will he ever, for that matter.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I, on the other hand, love Mark despite the fact that the first
time we met, he threatened to kill me. But, he's such a hottie!

MARK WAHLBURG
You're pretty hot yourself, for an ape. Pity I'm required
by law to fall in love with the token human babe.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Why don't I help you escape? Then maybe you'll love me.

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA
I'm in a movie and I'm not evil. I must die.

HELENA helps MARK and THE FUNKY BUNCH escape from the oppressively dark city. They do this by running through the rooms of apes getting ready for bed.

AUDIENCE
So, do all these apes live in the same house or what?

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
It's supposed to be funny.

AUDIENCE
Just stick to action please.

MICHAEL kills KRIS.

VACANT EYE CANDY
Father!

AUDIENCE
Ohmigod! It talks!

Characters take PAUL GIAMATTI hostage. He will be funny, but serve no real purpose.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER
We must go to the mythical birthplace of the apes, CALIMA!


EXT. A RIVER

MARK WAHLBURG
We have to cross this river, but there is an ape encampment
here, so we have to wait for night. Let's kill some time
with exposition.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Humans are mistreated. Tim despises all humans
for no particular reason. I think you're cute.

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA
I used to know Michael and Tim, but Tim ruined my career.
There is some vague tension between Michael and me.
I don't approve of you, Mark.

PAUL GIAMATTI
Why am I here again?

Night arrives so that TIM BURTON can film something no one can see.

The characters steal some horses, which exist despite the fact that this is MUCH LIKE, BUT NOT AT ALL, EARTH, and cross the river after a terrific flight from the ape army. Unfortunately, TIM BURTON has decided to light his shots with PHOTOLUMINESCENT JELLYFISH, so the audience has to use its imagination.


EXT. THE FORBIDDEN ZONE, ER, I MEAN, CALIMA

The characters arrive at some RUINS.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WITH A BRAIN STEM
It's Mark's ship.

MARK WAHLBURG
It's my ship!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE
No way!

Amazingly, after thousands of years, the ship still works. We learn that the ship's crash, the apes' domination, the humans' enslavement, and pretty much everything else, is MARK'S FAULT.

MARK WAHLBURG
Damn.


INT. GOTHAM CITY

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Charlton Heston is dying, in a gratuitous cameo.

CHARLTON HESTON
Does anyone else find it slightly creepy that I am
warning about the destructive powers of guns?

TIM ROTH
ARGH! NOW I MUST SHOUT AND DEVOUR
MORE SCENERY!! DIE, MARK, DIE!


EXT. RUINS

TOKEN BLACK GUY
Time for another action sequence.

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Wait, it's not night yet!

AUDIENCE attacks TIM BURTON and threatens to give him a BUZZ CUT if he doesn't film an action sequence during the day.

HUMANS have gathered to fight the APES, and are expecting MARK to lead them.

MARK WAHLBURG
Yeah, right.

VACANT EYE CANDY
Seeing as this is your fault, you are morally
obligated to lead us.

MARK WAHLBURG
Then why don't I come up with a really awkward
looking plot and then you can beat the living daylights
out of the apes?

MARK has a scene with CHILD ACTOR that makes it seem as if they have a relationship, despite the fact they have barely spoken to each other before.

AUDIENCE
I wonder why it seems that Child Actor's part
has been edited out.

CHILD ACTOR
Now I will whine, disobey critical orders and almost
get Mark and myself killed. Damn, I'm annoying.

AUDIENCE
Ah. That would be it.

MARK blows something up, causing APES to be engulfed in flame and thrown up into the air. Yet, NOT ONE OF THEM dies. HUMANS quickly, and pitifully, attempt to rectify this situation.

TOKEN BLACK GUY immediately dies.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Cary, it appears that our vague tension has
come to the foreground.

CARY-HIROYUKI TAGAWA
Yes. Pity our climatic battle will last all
of two seconds.

MICHAEL whales on CARY.

TIM ROTH
Finally, I have caught Mark. Thrill as
I beat the crap out of him.

AUDIENCE
Wait, Mark is the hero! What will happen?

A PLOT CONTRIVANCE arrives in the form of the LOST CHIMP from the beginning to fix everything.

MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Our great mythical hero! I have found a
shred of humanity, er, apity, er, whatever, that
will allow me to betray Tim so the humans
can win.

MARK WAHLBURG
Now, I could stay here, where there are people
who revere me, and two females who adore me, or
I could take a chance and try to get back to my ship.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Before you go, let me spout off some bull
about your myth in the future. Now kiss my makeup.

AUDIENCE
I’m not quite sure how to feel about this.

VACANT EYE CANDY
(stares blankly)

MARK WAHLBURG
Despite the fact I had more chemistry with Helena,
you get the better kiss.

MARK flies off toward THE ENDING. THE ENDING runs MARK down, and then promptly sits on the AUDIENCE'S head.

AUDIENCE
Mmph! Can't breathe!

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Haha! Now you'll have to watch the sequel.
Which I will never make!

Comments

Boo FF.Net!

[irishmastermind.livejournal.com]

And little does FF know that it just tossed out some of the funniest pieces ever to grace it's Pit O' Evil.

Is it alright if I friend you?

Re: Boo FF.Net!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Heh. Well, I'm glad you think I'm funny even if ff.net doesn't care (though I doubt they even looked).

Sure, I don't mind if you friend me.

[moonlingmaid.livejournal.com]

I am going to friend you also. I really like your fics.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Whoo! People think I'm friendly!

DAMN YOU, FF.NET!!!

[(Anonymous)]

My sincerest condolences for their idiotic ways; I'm bookmarking this so I can check out what you've put up. Sorry if I've never left a review before, but I always loved your Breadbox editions.

-Samantha

Re: DAMN YOU, FF.NET!!!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

You've left a review now, and that's all that counts. Thanks.

ff.net rat bastards...

[osu-l-greenleaf.livejournal.com]

Never liked that site much anyways, too complicated, too controlled. I can't wait to see your breadboxes posted on LJ (is it alright if I friend you?) Think you'll write one for the new M. Night Shamylan (sp?) movie The Village? I really liked it, but I bet I would like the breadbox edition even better. Because one of the sincerest forms of flattery is out and out mockery, right? ;-) Welcome to the LJ community, hope you like it!

- Carlita

Re: ff.net rat bastards...

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I am planning on writing a BBE for the The Village, but I'm moving to school very soon, so all of my time has been spent working, packing and making desparate attempts to see my friends. But, one is coming. I so promise.

It's all right if you friend me.

Ah, that bites

[(Anonymous)]

I saw this morning that they were gone, but ff.n is stupid anyway, so I wasn't angry for too long. I was angry that there was no where else to read these since you didn't have a site, but, obviously, you have fixed that problem, so I'm happy.

That being said, I enjoyed this immensly. Okay, I can't remember half the movie, but fun anyway. Especially:

DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Really, I don't see the need for lighting. Ever.

^_^ Fun!

~C-chan

Re: Ah, that bites

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Glad to see Planet of the Apes humor is still funny to someone. I can't remember anything of that movie but the horrible, stupid end.

Thanks for sticking around after I got booted off ff.net.

[roguebelle.livejournal.com]

FFN = asshats

Their rules and regulations are getting completely out of control, if you ask me. (Oh, hi, I should probably introduce myself -- I'm Alyx Bradford on ffn, and a huge fan of your BBEs. I was the first to review one of them at some point and was so proud of myself). But whacha gonna do? Aside from what I do, which is bitch a lot about ffn on other forums. ;)

Keep it cool, babe! I'll be keeping an eye on your stuff here. :)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Hi, Alyx! Thank you for your righteous indignation.

Keep it up!

[(Anonymous)]

The hell with FF.net...you're still a really cool parody writer. Keep it going...I anxiously waiting for The Village one! How do you find so much time to write these, btw? It's awesome.
Later!
Mari

Re: Keep it up!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I actually don't find time to write these, else there would be one for every movie I see. But there will be a Village one. As soon as I can.

Thanks for reading!

WHAT?!?!

[(Anonymous)]

I was mindin my own business on ff.net, I check to see if you've updated, and your BBE's are GONE!!! GASP! I was appalled. Curse you ff.net! *shakes fist* Well, is there going to be anymore 'Directors Cut' BBE's? I would adore them and treasure them always. Anywho, in short, I loved this, I love you and I hate ff.net.

Re: WHAT?!?!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

All my BBEs are going up after I edit them a little. And new ones will be coming soon (I hope).

Glad you're still with me.

Where there's a will, there's a way to write BBEs without getting busted!

[strider-paris.livejournal.com]

I could say something in the dramatic form of some drama queen/king and say "I think it's really brave that you've decided to step up and pronounce your independence! No longer shall you be governed by unjust and over-ruly dictators of FF.net. You are the remains of an extinct race of proud and independent women. So stand up and be recognized foo!", but I'm not going to. But I already did. Anywayz, i really REALLY enjoy your BBEs and other parodies. I'll look forward to seeing you on LJ.
-Roy

(Mind if I friend you?)

Re: Where there's a will, there's a way to write BBEs without getting busted!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Hi, Roy! I don't mind if you friend me.

And what's so wrong about being drama royalty?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

[(Anonymous)]

Imagine my dismay when I go to see if you've made a spiderman 2 BBE and I find all of them GONE. FF.net has pissed me off one too many times, I think I'm off that site for good. Ah well, I'm glad your're going to post them here, away from the tyranny. You're parodie's are really funny and I can't wait until Goblet of Fire comes out, partly because it will be such an awesome movie(hopefully) and partly because I'll get to read a parody of it, so even if it isn't awesome I'll still get a good laugh out of it.
Ok that's enough ramblings from a complete stranger.




DIRECTOR TIM BURTON
Haha! Now you'll have to watch the sequel.
Which I will never make!

Re: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I'm dreading Goblet of Fire if just because it's going to so long, and all of the subplots are going to be missing. I have no idea what I'm even going to say about it. Hopefully I will not want to dig my eyes out of my head after seeing it.

I'm sorry to say that I don't think I will be doing a Spiderman 2 BBE because I looked at my notes recently and said, "WTF?".

[rowen-r.livejournal.com]

Hi I adore your breadbox editions & was slightly shocked to see you get booted off - further proof that That Site is a v. strange place indeed. I hope you don't mind that I've friended you.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Nope, don't mind that you've friended me. Love your icon, by the way. Though, the paperclip in general is evil.

[kindredone.livejournal.com]

Hey, i've been reading ur breadboxes for ages, couldnt believe they were gone the other day off ff.net. anyway, im so glad theyll be back up here. cant wait to read the village :)

*o, i friended u, if ya dont mind

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Wow, I am friend to all. Hope The Village is up to expectations.

[sad-alice.livejournal.com]

DING! I has added you, you big snaky thing. HEY, now we can write compilation stories on here without FF.net chewing off our respective asses for it! WHOOOO!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

HOLY CRAP! Now that Livejournal has validated it, we are officiallyl friends! The Ultimate Fanfiction, here we come!

[amanduriel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you've had to take your breadbox editions off FF.net - they were fantastic. Still, I'll definitely look forward to reading them on your LJ!!

Rules are made to be broken, as for stories as hilarious and ingenuious as yours, there should always be exceptions made. Stupid ff.net. It's their loss you know!

And you're still on my fav authors list!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Heh, I doubt anyone actually reads the stories they are asked to take down. Considering the size of the site, that would take forever. Still...I'm annoyed. Oh well, I'm glad you're still reading.

[wicked-grin.livejournal.com]

*sigh*

Why is it that they always nix the interesting things?

Do you mind if I friend you?

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Nope, go ahead and friend me. Thanks for reading.

[delleve.livejournal.com]

Pfft. Nazi ff.net.

Hope you don't mind if I friend you (though this would be a repetitive question, considering you've said yes to everyone else, but there's that whole politeness thing...).

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Politeness is always appreciated, especially on the internet. Go ahead and friend me.

[bianca-olaes.livejournal.com]

hey. i hope you don't mind me adding you. i just did it to keep track.. anyway, it's a good thing i saved your breadboxes on my hard drive xD I didn't catch PoA breadbox though. and i was planning to read it today =P

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Well, HP BBEs are going up after I finish with the LotR ones, so hopefully you won't have to wait too long to read PoA. Thanks for adding me.

[bianca-olaes.livejournal.com]

okay. thanks =)

[cl-curtis.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'm a big fan of your writing from fanfiction.net. I just checked back on the site for the first time in ages, and was going through my list of favourite authors, which of course led me to your bio, so now I'm posting here. And yes, that was the run-on sentence to put all other run-on sentences to shame.

So, now that I'm done rambling, mind if I add you to my friends list?

Wait, not quite done. I feel a rant coming on...

How dare they boot your wonderfully awesome/hilariously funny Breadbox Editions? They helped me survive the boringness that is being stuck in a hotel lobby between auditions, recovery time from surgery, and jet-lag! Scripts are forms of creative writing too (and I'm not just saying that because I act.)!

Oh yes, and if I come off as slightly insane, I blame it on the pain killers I'm on. I just had my tonsils out.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Rant on, my friend, rant on. It is your natural right.

No, I don't mind if you add me to your friends list.

[cl-curtis.livejournal.com]

Hehe, I like to think so. Unfortunately, my parents often tend to disagree with me...

Yay, thank you.

[proudlijaholic.livejournal.com]

Hello. I'm a huge fan of your BBE's. I'm gonna cut the "I'm well read" crap, and just rant. BASTARDS! As the Noble Platypus said, You can have a horrible misspelled Mary Sue or a story filled with graphic rape and sex and as long as it follows the technical rules, it won't be booted off, but a wonderful original story that's no naughtier than having a few bad words in it will be booted off because of the way the author choses to document dialoge. That's FUCKED UP.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It's nice to see some people are as annoyed as I am. It seems so weird to me that one form of writing is less valid than another. And there's not even any recourse, or even someone to complain to! Whatever. Just repeat to yourself, "Private site, private site."

[idrach.livejournal.com]

Mind if I friend you? I love the Breadboxes, a friend and I have loads of fun discussing them over AIM (yes! You are famous enough to be discussed by two random strangers on AIM! Feel the fame). Anyway, the first thing I thought when I saw the ban on scripts was "What about Evadne?? She won't last the month!!" Sadly, I was right. I was considering printing out all of your stories, till I saw that you have a livejournal, and thus will be able to keep them on the internet.

And now, a fangirly question: what about Thesis? I love that story, I laughed till I cried almost. And the only show/ movie of the selection was Tomb Raider ("Much more impressive than the X-ray Machine of God, but still not godlike. God needs to diversify more." Or something like that).

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Nope, don't mind if you friend me! Whoo! I am discussed by random people! My life is complete!

Thesis will probably go up, provided I can find it on my old computer (don't worry, that's a pretty good probably). I liked writing that, but I sort of forgot about it after a while. I should watch the Lara Croft sequel. If I think I can swallow it.

Can I just say how much I love your icon? Of course you have a daughter, Snape. Haven't you read any fanfiction at all?

[idrach.livejournal.com]

That's good! And another nugget of random information, my friend and I also tend to quote the BBEs as we read them, so we have entire portions of our IM conversations consisting of nothing but lines from whatever BBE we're currently reading (may I take the opportunity here to mention that we have far too much spare time? Also, I just realized how creepy this may seem. Don't worry! We're sane, I think). And about the Lara Croft sequel: a friend of mine saw that, and she said that people were laughing at it in the theater. Which may or may not be a good thing.

I love it too! silverhill made it, from a quote taken from The Babbling Chronicles (a truly hilarious journal that catalogues bad lines from Harry Potter fanfics).

[connikins.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of your BBE's when ff.net announced that, but now I can friend you!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I feel like Gamera. Plus, your icon is so pretty.

Bread Box withdraws,,,

[lijz-chick.livejournal.com]

*promplty stabs FF.net in the back with a nail file* I was SO distraught when I saw the lack of your beautiful Bread-boxe's!!! Thank u SO much 4 creating a live journal!!

Re: Bread Box withdraws,,,

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

A nail file? Ouch. I'm glad you followed me over from ff.net. Thanks!

O_o!!

[lijz-chick.livejournal.com]

How could i NOT?!!!!!