Signs: Breadbox Edition

[evadne_noel]

I'm back from vacation. And I have two movie reviews and a book review to write up. But, I'll talk about that more later, when I have more time. For now, here's an older Breadbox Edition of Signs. I figured it would be appropriate to trot out a BBE about aliens since I'll be talking about War of the Worlds before too long. Enjoy!

(Author’s Note: Signs does not belong to me. It belongs to Touchstone Pictures and M. Night Shyamalan. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for his or her own indignation.)

SIGNS: BREADBOX EDITION

FADE IN:

EXT. A FARMHOUSE

SHOT OF FARMHOUSE – DAY

SHOT OF FARMHOUSE – NIGHT

SHOT OF FARMHOUSE – DAY

AUDIENCE
So, a farmhouse, I’m guessing?

MEL GIBSON
My life is calm and good.

SUBTLE THINGS
No, it’s not! No, it’s not!

CROP CIRCLES
Argh! Let’s get this show on the road!

JOAQUIN PHOENIX
I am here to get out from under the shadow of my dead brother.

RORY CULKIN
Me too. Wait, he’s not dead.

ABIGAIL BRESLIN
I’m adorable. And neurotic.

CHERRY JONES
Okay, outside character entering the movie. Time to give vague hints.

Blah, blah, blah, DEAD WIFE, blah, blah, blah, LOSS OF FAITH, blah, blah, blah, RORY HAS ASTHMA.

AUDIENCE
When do we get to the aliens?

DIRECTOR M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
Frankly, the aliens aren’t that important.

DOG
Argh! Crop circles! Must freak out!

ABIGAIL is only SLIGHTLY traumatized by a DOG ATTACK.

CHERRY
So, now what, Father?

AUDIENCE
*blinks; looks at kids*

SHYAMALAN
Episcopalian.

AUDIENCE
We knew that.

MEL
Don’t call me “Father.” I’ve lost my faith. Leave me alone!

ABIGAIL
I’m going to watch TV and obsess about water.

TV ANCHOR
Argh! Crop circles! Must freak out!

AUDIENCE
Wow, there sure are a lot of them in India.

SHYAMALAN
Yeah, how ‘bout that?

EXT. FARMHOUSE – NIGHT

MEL starts to have the FLASHBACK OF HIS WIFE’S DEATH.

AUDIENCE
Finally, some clear exposition.

ABIGAIL
Wake up, Dad.

AUDIENCE
Dammit.

ABIGAIL
There’s someone on the roof. I am barely concerned
about it. I’m too busy obsessing about water.

ALIEN
HELP! I’m stuck on your roof!

JOAQUIN
Let’s scare him away. Distract him.

MEL
Turns out, I’m hilarious.

ALIEN
Wait, I can just jump off. Duh. Run to the corn!

CHERRY
I’m back. More vague information on the way.

Blah, blah, blah, JOAQUIN’S A FORMER BASEBALL STAR, blah, blah, blah, WALKIE-TALKIE, blah, blah, blah, ABIGAIL’S WATER OBSESSION.

MEL
We’re going to change the scenery. Don’t get used to it.

EXT. SMALL TOWN AMERICA

AUDIENCE
What is this, the ‘50s?

RORY
I believe in aliens.

PHARMACY GIRL
Me too. That’s why I’m going to confess all my
sins to Mel in the middle of the store.

MEL
Thanks for sharing.

JOAQUIN
I used to be somebody who could swing real hard.

SOME GUY
Bah. You sucked.

JOAQUIN
And you are?

SHYAMALAN
Here comes my cameo.

MEL
Hey, there’s the guy who killed my wife.

AUDIENCE
The director?

EXT. FARMHOUSE – DAY

RORY picks up TWO ALIENS YAKKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES on his WALKIE-TALKIE.

ALIEN ONE
So I said, “Girl, you deserve so much better.”

ALIEN TWO
Oh, absolutely.

RORY
This is getting really creepy.

MEL/JOAQUIN
Not buying it.

TV ANCHOR
Argh! Lights in the sky! Must freak out!

JOAQUIN
Okay, buying it now.

EXT. FARMHOUSE – NIGHT

A REALLY TENSE MOMENT is totally ruined by the TRAILER.

JOAQUIN
Mel, I’m scared. Comfort me.

MEL
Some people have faith. Some don’t. Those with
faith are better off because they believe someone
is looking out for them. Do you have faith?

JOAQUIN
Yes. I feel much better now. Do you have faith, Mel?

MEL
Did I comfort you?

JOAQUIN
Yes.

MEL
Then what does it matter?

JOAQUIN
Okay.

MEL
I don’t have faith. We’re all going to die. Swing away, Joaquin.

JOAQUIN
Um, slightly less comforted now.

INT. FARMHOUSE – DAY

MEL starts to have the FLASHBACK OF HIS WIFE’S DEATH.

AUDIENCE
Information! Yay!

PHONE rings.

AUDIENCE (cont.)
Dammit.

SHYAMALAN
Father…*click*

MEL
Huh. You’d think he’d at least finish his
sentences for the guy whose wife he killed.


EXT. ANOTHER LOCATION

AUDIENCE
Another location? Wow, you mean there are three places in this movie?

SHYAMALAN
Sorry I killed your wife.

AUDIENCE
Okay, now you’ve crossed the line
between cameo and supporting role.

MEL
It’s not you I’m angry at.

SHYAMALAN
It’s almost as if it were meant to be.

AUDIENCE
Dude, shut up. Don’t provoke Mad Max.

SHYAMALAN
Um, there’s an alien in my pantry.

MEL/AUDIENCE
What?

SHYAMALAN
Yeah, and they don’t like water.

MEL/AUDIENCE
What? How do you know this?

SHYAMALAN
Hey, I’m not director for nothing.

INT. STILL ANOTHER LOCATION

MEL
I’m still hilarious in tense situations.

ALIEN
Damn this pantry door! I can’t get through it!
That solid oak construction!

AUDIENCE
Um…Mel? Why don’t you get some help?

MEL
Maybe I can use this knife to look at the alien under the door.

MEL uses the reflection in the KNIFE to try and see the ALIEN.

Somewhere along the way, SHYAMALAN crosses the line between SUSPENSE and DULL.

ALIEN
Time to end this scene. Grrr!

ALIEN has very scary CLAWS.

MEL/AUDIENCE
AAAHHH!

MEL chops off very scary CLAWS.

INT. FARMHOUSE

MEL
Yep. It’s aliens. What’s with the foil hats?

JOAQUIN
The aliens can read our minds.

AUDIENCE
Honey, there isn’t a thought in your head they’d want.

MEL
The director told me the aliens don’t like water.
Let’s go somewhere with a lake.

RORY
No. We want to turn this into Night of the Living Dead.

MEL
Well, we better board up the windows, then.

EXT. FARMHOUSE – NIGHT

MEL
We’re all trapped in the house now. Bring on the aliens!

ALIENS arrive and try and break in.

MEL
Good thing we put up all those boards. It should hold them
out. I mean, that other alien couldn’t get through the door.

ABIGAIL
I’m scared.

RORY
Me too.

AUDIENCE
Amazing how Shayamalan can make children actually act.

MEL is really SWEET while comforting the CHILDREN.

ALIENS
Ahem!

SHAYAMALAN
Hang on a minute! You are not the focus of this movie!

ALIENS bust through the ATTIC.

JOAQUIN
Oops.

MEL
C’mon, down cellar. It’ll be scarier there.

IT IS.

MEL
Quick, Joaquin. I need something to block the door.

JOAQUIN grabs an AX and promptly knocks out the ONLY LIGHT.

AUDIENCE
Swing away, dumbass.

JOAQUIN and MEL block DOOR with AX and find a FLASHLIGHT. ALIENS pound like hell on it. It is all VERY SCARY.

MEL
They’re just making noise now. They’re distracting us.

JOAQUIN
I dunno. They seem to be trying pretty hard to get in to me.

MEL
Let’s find the coal shaft.

RORY
I’ll help.

AUDIENCE
Argh! NO!

RORY finds the COAL SHAFT and an ALIEN is already there.

AUDIENCE
Aw, shit.

RORY has an ASTHMA ATTACK. ALIENS attempting to break down DOOR are completely FORGOTTEN and entirely IRRELEVANT.

MEL
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

AUDIENCE
At least he’s talking to God again.

INT. FARMHOUSE – DAY

JOAQUIN
We survived the night and the aliens left. We’re not
exactly sure why they were here in the first place, though.

MEL
Let’s get Rory his medicine and everything will be all right.

JOAQUIN
Thank God that’s over.

ALIEN
Remember me? You chopped off my finger!
I’m going to kill your son!

AUDIENCE
Um…wow, that’s not at all real looking.

MEL starts to have a FLASHBACK OF WHEN HIS WIFE DIED.

AUDIENCE
NOW?!

MEL’S DEAD WIFE
Swing away, Joaquin.

MEL comes back to the PRESENT.

ALIEN
Hey, are you paying any attention to me?

ALIEN sways back and forth like he’s about to STEAL SECOND.

MEL
Swing away, Joaquin.

ALIEN
That’s it. I’m gassing your son. Will that get your attention?

Despite the fact that he’s shown LESS THAN STELLAR intelligence in the past, JOAQUIN figures out what the hell MEL is talking about, and takes a bat to the ALIEN.

MEL grabs RORY and runs.

MEL
I know you’ll live. I’ve found my faith and I know that every
single event in my life has been leading up to this moment.

To emphasize this, JOAQUIN smacks one of ABIGAIL’S GLASSES OF WATER into the ALIEN.

ALIEN
Aw crap! Water! It’s poison to us aliens! I knew it was a
stupid idea to invade a planet that was two-thirds water!

ABIGAIL
See, even my water obsession has vital importance in the scheme of things.

MEL
So, Rory has to live!

ALIEN dies of WATER ON THE BRAIN. RORY lives.

MEL
I will become a reverend again. I love you, God.

AUDIENCE
Damn, I thought this was a movie about aliens!

Comments

[paderau.livejournal.com]

I never saw this movie. Water? I'm thinking I did myself a favor by not seeing it.

When I opened this page I was the first comment. If it posts first I'll be very happy.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Well, it's not that bad if you go in with the knowledge that it's not actually about aliens, but faith. Then, the water plot device doesn't seem so bad.

Yes! You are first! You win, Uriel!

[paderau.livejournal.com]

I actually heard that already. Personally I think faith could be explored while aliens are involved more. I think an alien invasion is too large of a paradigm shift for a fallen priest to reaffirm his faith while it's actually happening. Things like that normally take more than an hour and a half to build up.

The idea of being first actually does make Uriel smile. I've either learned to appreciate the simple things in life or I need more in my life. Let's go with option A.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

In all fairness to the movie, the aliens are just a catalyst for his return to faith. It does take a lot of time, from the death of his wife through to long after the aliens are gone. Though, the build up of every event of his life leading up to the single moment where his son is gassed is way contrived.

[finnigan-geist.livejournal.com]

AUDIENCE
Swing away, dumbass.

You probably get this a lot, but I love that line. I also love that there's another breadbox up, even though I've read it before. Breadboxes are made of pure awesome.

ALIEN
Damn this pantry door! I can’t get through it!
That solid oak construction!

My other favorite line.

Why did the aliens invade?
"Hey guys, don't you think it would be hilarious to attack a planet 75% composed of a substance that will kill us?"
"What will we do with it if we conquer it?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Sounds like a good idea to me."

I love that they manage to be vaguely threatening for two hours but are then defeated with wood and water. Pansies.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

It's okay. The "swing away, dumbass" line is my favorite too.

I don't understand how aliens, who came across the galaxy, could neglect to do something as important as research. Dumb, dumb aliens.

[musicalqueen101.livejournal.com]

Well maybe they did do research but landed on the wrong planet bc they calculated wrong. "Crap! We forgot to convert the measurements into metric so we landed on Earth instead of venus!Call the research department and fire Jones!"

I had to watch this movie in my mythology class(UFO's/aliens=modern myths) and I remember thinking "holy crap this is going to be scary must-not-freak-out-in-front-of-peers". But then watching it I kept thinking "ok enough of the lurking behind doors...and the alien will burst through....now....ok....maybe now.......or how about now!" (etc)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Aha. Well, good thing they didn't go to Mars or they would have run into the aliens from "War of the Worlds," who were a whole lot scarier than they were.

Neat sounding class. I would have liked to have done more than read The Iliad in my mythology class.

[dreagoddess.livejournal.com]

You know, I still want to know how it is the solution of using water to kill the aliens originated in the Middle East. You know, the area with very little water!

Great Breadbox. I adore these. :D

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

He probably meant it to be ironic. Though, I agree, it's mostly just improbable.

[(Anonymous)]

Zan of the Wonder Twins would totally own the aliens.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

When you could be defeated by a Wonder Twin (not even both!), it is a very sad day for your species.

awesome yet again

[(Anonymous)]

yaaaay! i was craving a BBE before i left for DC!

I love M. Night Shyamalan, he's my favorite director! I even liked The Village, despite its horrible reviews.

Cheers,
~Victoria

Re: awesome yet again

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

M. Night Shyamalan has an amazing ability to get people to act. I really do like him a lot, though I can't say I enjoyed "The Village."

Hope you enjoy DC!

[piyo-halliwell.livejournal.com]

I think that if it wasn't for your bbe of this, I would't like the movie as much as I do...come to think of it, I haven't seen this movie in forever.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Me neither. Part of me wants to see it again, but part of me is worried that knowing what happens would suck all the tension out and leave me with only annoyance at the water contrivance.

[irishmastermind.livejournal.com]

I saw this movie. And I found it full of suspense and even a bit intense at parts. Then the water device was used, and I just lost it. It struck me as the funniest thing ever. It's still full of holes, but once you realize the aliens are really only plot devices, it's more likeable.

JOAQUIN grabs an AX and promptly knocks out the ONLY LIGHT.
AUDIENCE
Swing away, dumbass.

As funny as it was when you first put it up. :)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Right up until the water bit, I was right along with this movie. In the basement, when the alien grabs the kid? Man, I nearly screamed.

But, stupid plot devices ruin everything.

[irvys-sefie.livejournal.com]

Wait, I can just jump off. Duh. Run to the corn!

XD I love this. I always hated how stupid the aliens seemed to be, what with invading Earth and being killed by water. Which is in our atmosphere. And our AIR, but whatever Shyamalan.

As usual, your BBE made me die laughing. ^.^

I can't wait to read what you do with War of the Worlds. My friend and I snarked that movie so bad, in spite of liking it. :) "I can drive like a maniac because I'm Tom Cruise!" "That's a nice look for you Marianne." "Oh really? *smile* Thanks! I picked it up in Gondor. *sparkle*"

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Mars needs hygrometers, apparently.

It took me most of the movie to convince my father that the ex-wife was Eowyn. He simply would not believe me.

[irvys-sefie.livejournal.com]

I should just stop questioning movie logic, it seems. Note to self: It's called fiction for a reason...>.>

Haha really? My friend noticed at the very end. It took her that long, cuz I would'nt tell her and she spent the entire movie trying to figure out why she looked familiar. *cackles*

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

The conversation we had about Miranda Otto was hilarious when the movie was over.

Dad: I've seen her before.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Dad: Galadriel?
Me: No, the other female.
Dad: ... Aragorn's girlfriend?
Mom: No, fool. The other, other female. The one who was not Liv Tyler.
Dad: ...
Mom: From Rohan! You'd think you'd never read the books!

[capri-chan.livejournal.com]

MEL
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
AUDIENCE
At least he’s talking to God again.

That is absolutely Hilarious. I know I should feel that it's horrible and offensive or something, but I don't care. It's funny. ^_^

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

The sad thing is that it's also true. But, yah, I felt slightly sacreligious writing that.

lol

[lijz-chick.livejournal.com]

i love Joaquin's 'less than stellar intelligence'

How do you pronounce that anyway?

Re: lol

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I can't do actual phonetics, but it's pronounced something like "Wah-Kean".

Poor less than stellar baseball player.

[dozy-cow.livejournal.com]

When are you doing all this stuff? I keep missing your entries. I usually just read your stuff from my friends page, but when I looked at your real journal to reread Star Wars, there were like five new entries.

I applaud you.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Well, seeing as I wrote this two years ago and only had to format and clean it up, it didn't take to long. But I welcome your applause regardless.