Van Helsing: Breadbox Edition
Jan. 6th, 2005 06:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evadne_noelI don't know whether I've mentioned this or not, but I've been on break for the past few weeks. Early on, I decided that I would try to get a Breadbox done because I won't have a lot of time again once the semester starts. Turns out, I had a lot more to do during break than I thought, and it hasn't been until this week that I've actually had time to write.
Originally, I was going to do Spider-Man 2, because I promised several people I would. When I got it for Christmas, I almost went ahead and did that. But then I realized that while I now owned Spider-Man, I did not own Van Helsing, but my father did. Since I already had three pages of a VH BBE on my computer, I went ahead and finished it.
So, here's a new VH: BBE for your reading pleasure. Spider-Man is coming, I SWEAR. I just wanted to do this one while I had access to the DVD.
(Author’s Note: Van Helsing is not mine. It belongs to Universal Pictures and, supposedly, Bram Stoker. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who does not follow directions is responsible for their own indignation.)
VAN HELSING: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. “YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN”
LOOK! An ANGRY MOB in a horror movie! Go on!
AUDIENCE
“A riot is an ugly thing.”
DIRECTOR STEPHEN SOMMERS
This is not a parody!
AUDIENCE
If you say so, sweetheart.
TOP HAT
I have no idea why the camera keeps following me around.
IT’S ALIVE!
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
I sing the body eclectic!
DRACULA
Viiiiiiiic-tor…
AUDIENCE starts laughing whenever DRACULA opens his mouth.
DRACULA (cont.)
Thank you for building zis big monster zat is
important in a vay ve cannot reveal vet. Suffvice to
say, I vish to vuse him vor evil.
FRANKENSTEIN
Evil? I won’t let you do that!
DRACULA
Zhen you DIE!
FRANKENSTEIN
(dying)
I can’t believe that Dracula, evil incarnate, is double crossing me!
IGOR
Hate me! I’m Beni!
ANGRY MOB
We are obviously upset about something!
We think it’s grave robbing!
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
I’m upset my father is dead! RAURGH!
Now I must climb the mill in homage to the
original Frankenstein movie!
AUDIENCE
Wow, look at all the absinthe bottles. That’s one
drunkard miller that town has.
ANGRY MOB
We’ve set the mill on fire to kill the monster! Now where will we
grind our corn? We didn’t really think this plan all the way through!
DRACULA’S BRIDES OVERACT.
TOP HAT
Seriously, I’m not all that important. Stop focusing on me.
EXT. ONE YEAR LATER
VAN HELSING
What am I doing in this movie? I have a Tony, dammit.
MR. HYDE
Hey, do I give you LXG flashbacks?
VAN HELSING
Fear my hand-held rotor saws!
HAND-HELD ROTOR SAWS tear shit up.
VAN HELSING (cont.)
Do you need a board planed?!
VAN HELSING kills MR. HYDE, who turns into DR. JEKYLL at the last moment so VAN HELSING can ANGST about it.
INT. THE VATICAN
CARDINAL JINETTE
Bad, naughty killer of monsters! Now, we need you kill another
one. Dracula. Here is a rather good picture of a hot gypsy
woman to motivate you. And a hot man, should that be your
thing. Also, we have this symbol so that you’ll think Dracula
has some relation to your forgotten past. Now let’s go see Faramir.
CARL
Get me! I’m Q!
VAN HELSING
Let’s go to Transylvania. This is the first time you’ve ever been
in the field, and this is the most difficult monster I’ve ever faced.
I’m sure it’s a good idea to take an under-qualified assistant along.
CARL
Well, I’m funny. Does that help?
VAN HELSING
Probably, as it will counter-balance my brooding.
AUDIENCE
You’re tortured, can’t remember anything, confused all
the time. Does this role sound familiar at all, Hugh?
EXT. A FOGGY TRANSYLVANIAN FOREST (IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND?)
VELKAN is NOT tied to a stake.
AUDIENCE
You’re not fooling anyone.
WEREWOLF
Except me. I’m a stupid animal.
VELKAN
Leessten to my accent.
The TRAP goes SOUR. ANNA has an IMPRACTICAL OUTFIT.
ANNA
But I’m very hot, and also have a reediculous accent.
AUDIENCE
Kate, you really need to stop being in vampire movies.
VELKAN and the WEREWOLF fall into a RIVER.
ANNA
Oh no! I almost care!
EXT. TRAVELLING SEQUENCE
AUDIENCE
What is this, Lord of the Rings?
EXT. TRANSYLVANIAN TOWN
CARL
Why am I only bringing up your memory now? What
did we talk about throughout that entire travelling sequence?
VAN HELSING
I was at Masada.
AUDIENCE
Okay. And a happy Chanukkah to you, then.
PEOPLE
We are suspicious!
TOP HAT
Hi! Still not important!
ANNA
I am imposing with my tight corset and pointy heels!
VAN HELSING
“Imposing” is not the word I would use.
SUDDENLY, the BRIDES appear! A fight breaks out. ANNA and VAN HELSING argue over who will be in charge.
VAN HELSING
I want to be on top!
ANNA
No, I vill be on top!
GRATUTIOUS COW VIOLENCE!
BRIDES
Ve are zee masters of stupid lines!
ALEERA
Gotcha, Anna. I vant to stuck your blood.
ANNA
Vait, I know your name. And ve’ve apparently talked.
How iz zit that you’ve never managed to keeell me before?
ALEERA
I sink I spend too much time vamping it up and randomly
appearing all over zee room.
VERONA
I have an unfortunate collar.
VAN HELSING kills MARISHKA.
OTHER BRIDES
NOOO! ACTING!
ANNA
You shouldn’t have done zat.
VAN HELSING
Because letting her kill me would have been so much better.
ANNA
I sink I am attracted to you.
INT. CASTLE DRACULA
DRACULA channels 100 YEARS of VAMPIRE MOVIE OVERACTING into ONE SCENE.
DRACULA
Igor, vhy are you zuch a jerk?
IGOR
I have to be. I’m unlikable in every movie I’m in.
INT. VALERIOUS CASTLE
ANNA
Velcome to my giant castle.
AUDIENCE
Obviously they are not the roaming type of gypsies.
VAN HELSING
I’m going to help you find Dracula.
ANNA
No, you vill not.
VAN HELSING
Look, you’re just going to let me come in the end, and we’re
going to fall in love. Let’s just skip the part where we argue.
ANNA
No.
VAN HELSING
Well, then…Van Helsing says knock you out!
INT. V. CASTLE
ANNA
Dammit, I can’t even zit up in zis corset. How have I
managed to avoid getting keelled for so long?
The MOVIE now decides to try to convince the AUDIENCE that it is CREEPY.
AUDIENCE
There’s a werewolf. And it’s Velkan. Please, like
we didn’t see this coming.
WEREWOLF. And it’s VELKAN.
VELKAN
Worst transformation EVER.
VELKAN jumps out the WINDOW into the RIVER. AGAIN.
VAN HELSING
I must hunt it down and kill it.
ANNA
I vill say noth-ink for a vile.
EXT. FOGGY TRANSYLVANIAN CITY
TOP HAT
*tries to kill Van Helsing*
VAN HELSING
What the hell, man?
TOP HAT
I figured that since the camera stays on me all the
time, I ought to try to actually do something.
VAN HELSING
Then do the “Time Warp,” and leave me alone!
VAN HELSING tries to kill VELKAN-WOLF.
ANNA
Nooo! He iz my brudder.
VAN HELSING
Who would kill you.
ANNA
Zat doesn’t matter.
VAN HELSING
Well, let’s go look for him and have a moment or two.
EXT. FRANKENSTEIN’S CASTLE
AUDIENCE
Wow, there sure are a lot of castles in this area.
ANNA
Vhy are zhere people at Castle Frankenstein?
VAN HELSING
Probably because it is the most obvious place for evil
people to hang out.
INT. FRANKENSTEIN’S CASTLE
DRACULA
Blagh. I shall electrocute Velkan to do my evil zing.
VELKAN
Vich iz?
DRACULA
Not your business!
DRACULA camps it up.
ELSEWHERE:
VAN HELSING and ANNA watch the EVIL OOMPA LUMPAS and find EGG SACS.
VAN HELSING
Let’s break one open and see what’s inside. Sticking one’s
hand in strange places never goes wrong!
AUDIENCE
Mmm, just like a Cadbury Egg.
The EGGS hatch into FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS.
BRIDES
Oh, they’re so cute! Just like Daddy!
AUDIENCE
I don’t even want to contemplate the sex that led
to those things.
VAN HELSING starts to kill the FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS, much to the annoyance of DRACULA.
DRACULA
How dare you! I only have zirty-thouzand children!
DRACULA blows some stuff up WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING IT.
DRACULA (cont.)
Vould you like me to zay some corny zings? Shall I danse?
MEANWHILE:
ANNA gets upset about VELKAN being ELECTROCUTED and SOME VILLAGERS get EATEN by FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS.
INT. FRANKENSTEIN’S CASTLE
DRACULA
*sing songy*
I know your name! But you don’t remember me?
I’m crushed! Ve vere roooomates in college.
ANNA gets her PRESIDENTIAL HEALTH CERTIFICATE by rope climbing to VELKAN.
VELKAN
You idiot! I’m a verevolf!
VAN HELSING and ANNA escape via the BAT-GRAPPLE. VELKAN-WOLF tries to follow, but guess where he FALLS?
VELKAN
I hate zis freakin’ river.
FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS explode and CARL manages to GET SOME.
BRIDES do some INTERPRETIVE DANCE to express their SORROW over the loss of their FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS.
DRACULA
Keeell them all. I vant my children to live!
AUDIENCE
Oh, I see. He’s not evil. He’s just impotent.
INT. THE MILL
VAN HELSING
Want to have a moment Anna?
ANNA
Zat vould be nice. Let me vear your Indiana Jones hat.
The EARTH SWALLOWS them before they can get TOO SAPPY.
INT. V. CASTLE
CARL finds an EARLY MOTION PICTURE.
CARL
All right, the first action flick. Werewolves and vampires.
Huh, it must be the original script of Underworld.
INT. UNDER GROUND
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!
VAN HELSING
Um, we didn’t come here to kill you.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
RAAAUUUGH!
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER explains the PLOT once he’s calmed down a bit.
VAN HELSING
Let’s take him to Rome. I know a great restaurant that
can seat a eight foot man.
MAP OVERLAY!
CARL
Why the hell do I have to go?
INT. FOGGY TRANSYLVANIAN FOREST (DIFFERENT ONE)
BRIDES and VELKAN-WOLF ATTACK bringing along some GREAT STUNTS.
VAN HELSING
Anna, why is it Brides appear whenever you are near?
ANNA
Oviously, zey long to be close to me.
TEAMWORK saves the DAY.
VELKAN-WOLF
*bites Van Helsing*
ALEERA
*takes Anna*
Okay, TEAMWORK NEARLY saves the DAY.
EXT. CONSTANTINOPLE
ALEERA
Give vus zee monster.
VAN HELSING
Okay.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
Hey!
AUDIENCE
Oh, like he’s really going to trade you and doom the world.
INT. CIRQUE DU SOLEIL
DRACULA hits on ANNA.
DRACULA
Vhat? You cannot resizt me. I’m sexy, and oh-so-campy.
VAN HELSING
I am Zorro!
VAN HELSING saves ANNA from DRACULA’S GIANT MOUTH OF DOOM.
DRACULA
Oh, Gabrielle!
VAN HELSING
It’s Gabriel.
DRACULA
Right, sorry. I have zee monster!
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER delivers a FIRE AND BRIMSTONE sermon. JOHNATHAN EDWARDS would be proud.
VAN HELSING
Oh, dammit.
DRACULA
And zis room iz feeeeild with vampires.
VAN HELSING
Oh, I guessed that. That’s the oldest trick in the vampire book.
CARL flash-cooks the DISPOSIBLE VAMPIRES with a BOMB EMITTING THE LIGHT OF A SUN.
CARL
Which would probably blind people for miles, around,
but hey, it’s in the interest of science. And survival.
IGOR
I’m getting away with Frankenstein’s monster.
Say good-bye to your friends.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
They’re really not my friends. They knocked me out. Twice.
Dragged me half-way around the world, and locked me up
defenceless so I could do nothing when you people got me.
IGOR
Well, say good-bye anyway. It’s more dramatic.
VAN HELSING starts to act more like a WEREWOLF. THINGS SUCK.
INT. V. CASTLE
CARL
I know the remaining plot points! Let me explain, with visuals!
Anna’s ancient ancestor was too much of a wuss to kill Dracula,
his own son, so he left it up to future generations to do it for
him to save the family from Purgatory.
ANNA
Vhy vould he make a promise to kill Dracula iv he couldn’t fulfil it?
CARL
I don’t know. Maybe he thought Purgatory would be a good vacation spot.
VAN HELSING
Okay, so Dracula’s lair is through this map. Luckily, I have
the missing piece in my pocket.
The PASSWORD is: “In the name of God, open this door.”
AUDIENCE
So no one ever tried saying that before? Ever?
Because it seems rather obvious, even if in Latin.
EXT. DRACULA’S ICY WASTELAND OF A CASTLE
AUDIENCE
Castle Dracula seems rather large for one man, three
Brides, one evil sidekick and some Oompa Lumpas.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
I somehow know Dracula has a werewolf cure!
Don’t ask why he’d share that with me!
CARL
Oooh! I’ve figured out the last clue! Van Helsing-Wolf could kill Dracula.
VAN HELSING convinces IGOR to lead ANNA and CARL to the ANTIDOTE, while he gets DRACULA.
AUDIENCE
This guy is not a good guide, even under duress.
Didn’t any of you see The Mummy?
ANNA
Should ve have a moment before ve part?
VAN HELSING
That might be nice.
ANNA
But might it be like zaying good-bye?
VAN HELSING
Well…
AUDIENCE
Just kiss already!
They KISS.
For some reason, DRACULA has decided to try his experiment, not on the TALLEST TOWER, where one would expect a LIGHTNING STRIKE, but on a SHORTER ONE.
ANNA and CARL find the ANTIDOTE, but also ALEERA.
CARL
Well, I’ve got the antidote. Why don’t you just
take care of the vampire?
VAN HELSING tries not to attract ATTENTION, but FAILS SPECTACULARLY.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
At least I am almost free!
LIGHTNING strikes, bringing to life a new set of FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
Well, I suppose I can accidentally kill Igor now.
IGOR
Why do I always die?!
CARL
Thank you for saving me, but you’re supposed to die.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
I want to live!
CARL
Well, in that case, let me help you.
ALEERA and ANNA fight because TWO FEMALE characters always have to fight each other.
AUDIENCE
Hey, Anna. Try standing with your back to a wall
so she can’t sneak up on you.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER comes through a window into their fight.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
Kool-Aid!
MIDNIGHT!
VAN HELSING rips off his shirt, which is NICE. But then he turns into a WEREWOLF, which is NOT SO NICE.
MONSTER FIGHT!
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER helps ANNA help VAN HELSING.
CARL is APPARENTLY taking his SWEET TIME getting across the BRIDGE, but ANNA saves the DAY.
ALEERA
Oh, screw zis! I keeeell you!
NO. She DOESN’T.
DRACULA
You know, Gabrielle, ve could be on zee same side.
VAN HELSING
It’s Gabriel. And just because I forget things,
doesn’t make me stupid.
DRACULA
Oh by zee vay, you’re zee left hand of God.
I sink zat makes you an angel.
AUDIENCE
All right. Whatever you say, movie.
VAN HELSING-WOLF kills DRACULA.
ANNA
I have zee antidote!
AUDIENCE
This has been the longest midnight ever.
VAN HELSING-WOLF jumps ANNA.
ANNA
Oh, honey. If you vanted to go to bed together,
you could have just zaid zo.
WHOOPS! VAN HELSING kills ANNA.
CARL
Well, think of it this way. Angst is sexy.
EXT. A BEAUTIFUL TRANSYLVANIAN DAY (FIRST ONE EVER)
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER gets to become ROBINSON CRUSOE.
VAN HELSING
I loved you Anna, but now you’re happy in Heaven.
I set you free from this bad movie.
ANNA
Yes, I’m quite happy as this creepy cloud face.
AUDIENCE
Wow. This would be depressing if I actually cared.
THE END…UNTIL THE POORLY CONCEIVED SEQUEL
(A/N: Writing accents SUCKS!)
Originally, I was going to do Spider-Man 2, because I promised several people I would. When I got it for Christmas, I almost went ahead and did that. But then I realized that while I now owned Spider-Man, I did not own Van Helsing, but my father did. Since I already had three pages of a VH BBE on my computer, I went ahead and finished it.
So, here's a new VH: BBE for your reading pleasure. Spider-Man is coming, I SWEAR. I just wanted to do this one while I had access to the DVD.
(Author’s Note: Van Helsing is not mine. It belongs to Universal Pictures and, supposedly, Bram Stoker. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who does not follow directions is responsible for their own indignation.)
FADE IN:
EXT. “YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN”
LOOK! An ANGRY MOB in a horror movie! Go on!
“A riot is an ugly thing.”
DIRECTOR STEPHEN SOMMERS
This is not a parody!
AUDIENCE
If you say so, sweetheart.
TOP HAT
I have no idea why the camera keeps following me around.
IT’S ALIVE!
I sing the body eclectic!
DRACULA
Viiiiiiiic-tor…
AUDIENCE starts laughing whenever DRACULA opens his mouth.
Thank you for building zis big monster zat is
important in a vay ve cannot reveal vet. Suffvice to
say, I vish to vuse him vor evil.
FRANKENSTEIN
Evil? I won’t let you do that!
DRACULA
Zhen you DIE!
FRANKENSTEIN
(dying)
I can’t believe that Dracula, evil incarnate, is double crossing me!
IGOR
Hate me! I’m Beni!
ANGRY MOB
We are obviously upset about something!
We think it’s grave robbing!
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
I’m upset my father is dead! RAURGH!
Now I must climb the mill in homage to the
original Frankenstein movie!
AUDIENCE
Wow, look at all the absinthe bottles. That’s one
drunkard miller that town has.
ANGRY MOB
We’ve set the mill on fire to kill the monster! Now where will we
grind our corn? We didn’t really think this plan all the way through!
DRACULA’S BRIDES OVERACT.
Seriously, I’m not all that important. Stop focusing on me.
EXT. ONE YEAR LATER
What am I doing in this movie? I have a Tony, dammit.
MR. HYDE
Hey, do I give you LXG flashbacks?
VAN HELSING
Fear my hand-held rotor saws!
HAND-HELD ROTOR SAWS tear shit up.
Do you need a board planed?!
VAN HELSING kills MR. HYDE, who turns into DR. JEKYLL at the last moment so VAN HELSING can ANGST about it.
INT. THE VATICAN
Bad, naughty killer of monsters! Now, we need you kill another
one. Dracula. Here is a rather good picture of a hot gypsy
woman to motivate you. And a hot man, should that be your
thing. Also, we have this symbol so that you’ll think Dracula
has some relation to your forgotten past. Now let’s go see Faramir.
CARL
Get me! I’m Q!
VAN HELSING
Let’s go to Transylvania. This is the first time you’ve ever been
in the field, and this is the most difficult monster I’ve ever faced.
I’m sure it’s a good idea to take an under-qualified assistant along.
CARL
Well, I’m funny. Does that help?
VAN HELSING
Probably, as it will counter-balance my brooding.
AUDIENCE
You’re tortured, can’t remember anything, confused all
the time. Does this role sound familiar at all, Hugh?
EXT. A FOGGY TRANSYLVANIAN FOREST (IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND?)
VELKAN is NOT tied to a stake.
You’re not fooling anyone.
WEREWOLF
Except me. I’m a stupid animal.
VELKAN
Leessten to my accent.
The TRAP goes SOUR. ANNA has an IMPRACTICAL OUTFIT.
But I’m very hot, and also have a reediculous accent.
AUDIENCE
Kate, you really need to stop being in vampire movies.
VELKAN and the WEREWOLF fall into a RIVER.
Oh no! I almost care!
EXT. TRAVELLING SEQUENCE
What is this, Lord of the Rings?
EXT. TRANSYLVANIAN TOWN
Why am I only bringing up your memory now? What
did we talk about throughout that entire travelling sequence?
VAN HELSING
I was at Masada.
AUDIENCE
Okay. And a happy Chanukkah to you, then.
PEOPLE
We are suspicious!
TOP HAT
Hi! Still not important!
ANNA
I am imposing with my tight corset and pointy heels!
VAN HELSING
“Imposing” is not the word I would use.
SUDDENLY, the BRIDES appear! A fight breaks out. ANNA and VAN HELSING argue over who will be in charge.
I want to be on top!
ANNA
No, I vill be on top!
GRATUTIOUS COW VIOLENCE!
Ve are zee masters of stupid lines!
ALEERA
Gotcha, Anna. I vant to stuck your blood.
ANNA
Vait, I know your name. And ve’ve apparently talked.
How iz zit that you’ve never managed to keeell me before?
ALEERA
I sink I spend too much time vamping it up and randomly
appearing all over zee room.
VERONA
I have an unfortunate collar.
VAN HELSING kills MARISHKA.
NOOO! ACTING!
ANNA
You shouldn’t have done zat.
VAN HELSING
Because letting her kill me would have been so much better.
ANNA
I sink I am attracted to you.
INT. CASTLE DRACULA
DRACULA channels 100 YEARS of VAMPIRE MOVIE OVERACTING into ONE SCENE.
Igor, vhy are you zuch a jerk?
IGOR
I have to be. I’m unlikable in every movie I’m in.
INT. VALERIOUS CASTLE
Velcome to my giant castle.
AUDIENCE
Obviously they are not the roaming type of gypsies.
VAN HELSING
I’m going to help you find Dracula.
ANNA
No, you vill not.
VAN HELSING
Look, you’re just going to let me come in the end, and we’re
going to fall in love. Let’s just skip the part where we argue.
ANNA
No.
VAN HELSING
Well, then…Van Helsing says knock you out!
INT. V. CASTLE
Dammit, I can’t even zit up in zis corset. How have I
managed to avoid getting keelled for so long?
The MOVIE now decides to try to convince the AUDIENCE that it is CREEPY.
There’s a werewolf. And it’s Velkan. Please, like
we didn’t see this coming.
WEREWOLF. And it’s VELKAN.
Worst transformation EVER.
VELKAN jumps out the WINDOW into the RIVER. AGAIN.
I must hunt it down and kill it.
ANNA
I vill say noth-ink for a vile.
EXT. FOGGY TRANSYLVANIAN CITY
*tries to kill Van Helsing*
VAN HELSING
What the hell, man?
TOP HAT
I figured that since the camera stays on me all the
time, I ought to try to actually do something.
VAN HELSING
Then do the “Time Warp,” and leave me alone!
VAN HELSING tries to kill VELKAN-WOLF.
Nooo! He iz my brudder.
VAN HELSING
Who would kill you.
ANNA
Zat doesn’t matter.
VAN HELSING
Well, let’s go look for him and have a moment or two.
EXT. FRANKENSTEIN’S CASTLE
Wow, there sure are a lot of castles in this area.
ANNA
Vhy are zhere people at Castle Frankenstein?
VAN HELSING
Probably because it is the most obvious place for evil
people to hang out.
INT. FRANKENSTEIN’S CASTLE
Blagh. I shall electrocute Velkan to do my evil zing.
VELKAN
Vich iz?
DRACULA
Not your business!
DRACULA camps it up.
ELSEWHERE:
VAN HELSING and ANNA watch the EVIL OOMPA LUMPAS and find EGG SACS.
Let’s break one open and see what’s inside. Sticking one’s
hand in strange places never goes wrong!
AUDIENCE
Mmm, just like a Cadbury Egg.
The EGGS hatch into FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS.
Oh, they’re so cute! Just like Daddy!
AUDIENCE
I don’t even want to contemplate the sex that led
to those things.
VAN HELSING starts to kill the FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS, much to the annoyance of DRACULA.
How dare you! I only have zirty-thouzand children!
DRACULA blows some stuff up WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING IT.
Vould you like me to zay some corny zings? Shall I danse?
MEANWHILE:
ANNA gets upset about VELKAN being ELECTROCUTED and SOME VILLAGERS get EATEN by FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS.
INT. FRANKENSTEIN’S CASTLE
*sing songy*
I know your name! But you don’t remember me?
I’m crushed! Ve vere roooomates in college.
ANNA gets her PRESIDENTIAL HEALTH CERTIFICATE by rope climbing to VELKAN.
You idiot! I’m a verevolf!
VAN HELSING and ANNA escape via the BAT-GRAPPLE. VELKAN-WOLF tries to follow, but guess where he FALLS?
I hate zis freakin’ river.
FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS explode and CARL manages to GET SOME.
BRIDES do some INTERPRETIVE DANCE to express their SORROW over the loss of their FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS.
Keeell them all. I vant my children to live!
AUDIENCE
Oh, I see. He’s not evil. He’s just impotent.
INT. THE MILL
Want to have a moment Anna?
ANNA
Zat vould be nice. Let me vear your Indiana Jones hat.
The EARTH SWALLOWS them before they can get TOO SAPPY.
INT. V. CASTLE
CARL finds an EARLY MOTION PICTURE.
All right, the first action flick. Werewolves and vampires.
Huh, it must be the original script of Underworld.
INT. UNDER GROUND
I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!
VAN HELSING
Um, we didn’t come here to kill you.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
RAAAUUUGH!
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER explains the PLOT once he’s calmed down a bit.
Let’s take him to Rome. I know a great restaurant that
can seat a eight foot man.
MAP OVERLAY!
Why the hell do I have to go?
INT. FOGGY TRANSYLVANIAN FOREST (DIFFERENT ONE)
BRIDES and VELKAN-WOLF ATTACK bringing along some GREAT STUNTS.
Anna, why is it Brides appear whenever you are near?
ANNA
Oviously, zey long to be close to me.
TEAMWORK saves the DAY.
*bites Van Helsing*
ALEERA
*takes Anna*
Okay, TEAMWORK NEARLY saves the DAY.
EXT. CONSTANTINOPLE
Give vus zee monster.
VAN HELSING
Okay.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
Hey!
AUDIENCE
Oh, like he’s really going to trade you and doom the world.
INT. CIRQUE DU SOLEIL
DRACULA hits on ANNA.
Vhat? You cannot resizt me. I’m sexy, and oh-so-campy.
VAN HELSING
I am Zorro!
VAN HELSING saves ANNA from DRACULA’S GIANT MOUTH OF DOOM.
Oh, Gabrielle!
VAN HELSING
It’s Gabriel.
DRACULA
Right, sorry. I have zee monster!
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER delivers a FIRE AND BRIMSTONE sermon. JOHNATHAN EDWARDS would be proud.
Oh, dammit.
DRACULA
And zis room iz feeeeild with vampires.
VAN HELSING
Oh, I guessed that. That’s the oldest trick in the vampire book.
CARL flash-cooks the DISPOSIBLE VAMPIRES with a BOMB EMITTING THE LIGHT OF A SUN.
Which would probably blind people for miles, around,
but hey, it’s in the interest of science. And survival.
IGOR
I’m getting away with Frankenstein’s monster.
Say good-bye to your friends.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
They’re really not my friends. They knocked me out. Twice.
Dragged me half-way around the world, and locked me up
defenceless so I could do nothing when you people got me.
IGOR
Well, say good-bye anyway. It’s more dramatic.
VAN HELSING starts to act more like a WEREWOLF. THINGS SUCK.
INT. V. CASTLE
I know the remaining plot points! Let me explain, with visuals!
Anna’s ancient ancestor was too much of a wuss to kill Dracula,
his own son, so he left it up to future generations to do it for
him to save the family from Purgatory.
ANNA
Vhy vould he make a promise to kill Dracula iv he couldn’t fulfil it?
CARL
I don’t know. Maybe he thought Purgatory would be a good vacation spot.
VAN HELSING
Okay, so Dracula’s lair is through this map. Luckily, I have
the missing piece in my pocket.
The PASSWORD is: “In the name of God, open this door.”
So no one ever tried saying that before? Ever?
Because it seems rather obvious, even if in Latin.
EXT. DRACULA’S ICY WASTELAND OF A CASTLE
Castle Dracula seems rather large for one man, three
Brides, one evil sidekick and some Oompa Lumpas.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
I somehow know Dracula has a werewolf cure!
Don’t ask why he’d share that with me!
CARL
Oooh! I’ve figured out the last clue! Van Helsing-Wolf could kill Dracula.
VAN HELSING convinces IGOR to lead ANNA and CARL to the ANTIDOTE, while he gets DRACULA.
This guy is not a good guide, even under duress.
Didn’t any of you see The Mummy?
ANNA
Should ve have a moment before ve part?
VAN HELSING
That might be nice.
ANNA
But might it be like zaying good-bye?
VAN HELSING
Well…
AUDIENCE
Just kiss already!
They KISS.
For some reason, DRACULA has decided to try his experiment, not on the TALLEST TOWER, where one would expect a LIGHTNING STRIKE, but on a SHORTER ONE.
ANNA and CARL find the ANTIDOTE, but also ALEERA.
Well, I’ve got the antidote. Why don’t you just
take care of the vampire?
VAN HELSING tries not to attract ATTENTION, but FAILS SPECTACULARLY.
At least I am almost free!
LIGHTNING strikes, bringing to life a new set of FREAKY LITTLE MONSTERS.
Well, I suppose I can accidentally kill Igor now.
IGOR
Why do I always die?!
CARL
Thank you for saving me, but you’re supposed to die.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER
I want to live!
CARL
Well, in that case, let me help you.
ALEERA and ANNA fight because TWO FEMALE characters always have to fight each other.
Hey, Anna. Try standing with your back to a wall
so she can’t sneak up on you.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER comes through a window into their fight.
Kool-Aid!
MIDNIGHT!
VAN HELSING rips off his shirt, which is NICE. But then he turns into a WEREWOLF, which is NOT SO NICE.
MONSTER FIGHT!
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER helps ANNA help VAN HELSING.
CARL is APPARENTLY taking his SWEET TIME getting across the BRIDGE, but ANNA saves the DAY.
Oh, screw zis! I keeeell you!
NO. She DOESN’T.
You know, Gabrielle, ve could be on zee same side.
VAN HELSING
It’s Gabriel. And just because I forget things,
doesn’t make me stupid.
DRACULA
Oh by zee vay, you’re zee left hand of God.
I sink zat makes you an angel.
AUDIENCE
All right. Whatever you say, movie.
VAN HELSING-WOLF kills DRACULA.
I have zee antidote!
AUDIENCE
This has been the longest midnight ever.
VAN HELSING-WOLF jumps ANNA.
Oh, honey. If you vanted to go to bed together,
you could have just zaid zo.
WHOOPS! VAN HELSING kills ANNA.
Well, think of it this way. Angst is sexy.
EXT. A BEAUTIFUL TRANSYLVANIAN DAY (FIRST ONE EVER)
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER gets to become ROBINSON CRUSOE.
I loved you Anna, but now you’re happy in Heaven.
I set you free from this bad movie.
ANNA
Yes, I’m quite happy as this creepy cloud face.
AUDIENCE
Wow. This would be depressing if I actually cared.
THE END…UNTIL THE POORLY CONCEIVED SEQUEL
(A/N: Writing accents SUCKS!)
