The Matrix: Revolutions: Breadbox Edition
Nov. 30th, 2004 01:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evadne_noelMy Internet at home has been a little wonky recently, so I don't really trust updating my livejournal there right now. I'm actually at the computer center (again) to do this. I figured I should put up the second Matrix Breadbox because I did the first. Before anyone asks, no, I do not have a BBE for the first movie, and will not have one any time soon. My backlog of requests is huge right now, I have no time, and I don't have a copy of that movie anyway (sadly, as it is the only one I like).
I may put up Spiderman next, but I was thinking I might hold off until I get the second movie for Christmas and do a BBE for that one. In that case, I'll do a thorough search for Phantom Menace, and do those next. What do you think?
In any case, here's The Matrix
(A/N: The Matrix is still not mine. Which, in the case of this particular installment, is fine by me. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to sunlight. May impair your ability to operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to heed this warning is responsible for his or her own indignation.)
THE MATRIX: REVOLUTIONS: BREADBOX EDITION
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
We now join this movie, already in progress.
FADE IN:
INT. THE INFINITELY LESS INTERESTING REAL WORLD
MAGGIE
Any change in Neo?
TRINITY
No. He’s still as unresponsive as a plank of wood.
AUDIENCE
Get used to it.
TRINITY
How about Bane?
MAGGIE
We’re pretty sure he’s still Ian Bliss.
CAPT. SCOWL
Where’s Niobe? We need her to carry these
real world scenes until we get to the action.
INT. THE MATRIX
SERAPH
I can’t believe the Oracle makes me call collect.
Someone answer the damn phone already.
INT. THE REAL WORLD
MORPHEUS
Seraph says the Oracle says we have to go to the Matrix
so we can wear our fashionable clothes, and so she can
tell us the Merovingian has Neo, which the audience
already knows because they’ve seen the trailer, so the
author of this fanfiction is going to skip over meeting
the Oracle because it’s one too many scene transitions.
INT. WHITE
SATI
Hello. I’m enigmatic.
NEO
Me too. Where am I?
SATI
Between the Matrix and the relatively real world.
It’s a metro station. Bet you’re surprised.
NEO
I’m just surprised I didn’t end up at Wonderland Station.
SATI
Come meet my parents. They’ll confuse you more.
SATI’S DAD
We are programs that had a child.
NEO
Whoa.
AUDIENCE
Is that even possible?
SATI’S DAD
She has no function in the machine city, so we’re taking
her to the Matrix to hide because we love her.
NEO
You can love now?
SATI’S DAD
Love is just a word. It’s the meaning you attach to it.
NEO
Yeah, but there has to be some consensus
as to what the meaning is. Otherwise,
I could say love means “bologna.”
SATI’S DAD
Errr…yeah…Here comes the Trainman!
Get on the train, Sati. Mind the gap.
NEO
Hey, can I get a day pass for this train?
TRAINMAN
No! I’m a megalomaniac! I am God!
I kick your ass! Ahahahhahahaha…
NEO
Damn. He’s right. Maybe I can run through
the tunnel after the train.
AUDIENCE
No, Neo. It’s a Mobius strip.
NEO does it anyway because he’s NOT THAT BRIGHT.
INT. THE MATRIX, LAST YOU WILL SEE OF IT FOR A WHILE
TRINITY, MORPHEUS AND SERAPH attempt to get the TRAINMAN to take them to NEO. They fail. Along the way, TRINITY feels the need to flip over a turnstile instead of jumping over it, because that wouldn’t be DRAMATIC enough.
TRINITY
We must go straight to the Merovingian now, and if he
doesn’t give me Neo, I will become Hurricane Trinity.
SERAPH
We must gratuitously kill some people before
we can talk to the Merovingian so some pundits
can blame us for propagating violence in society.
SERAPH/TRINITY/MORPHEUS kill some BONDAGE PEOPLE/PROGRAMS and go to see MERO.
AUDIENCE
Wait…that music…these people…
Nooo! It’s another rave! Kill me now!
TRINITY
Oh, no you don’t. We’re not losing the audience
to sleep this time! I want Neo back!
THE MEROVINGIAN
I do not believe it. Here you come to me, presenting me
with another opportunity to listen to myself talk.
Man, I love the sound of my voice.
FANGIRLS
Where are the Twins, you jerk!?
TRINITY
He’s rambling again.
MORPHEUS
Let him. It’s the last time he’ll be in this movie.
SERAPH
At least you people haven’t had to spend six
Matrices with him.
PERSEPHONE
At least you’re not married to him.
THE MEROVINGIAN
Are you people listening to me? I have Neo,
remember? Do as I say or we’ll all die eventually.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, holding the one person who can save the machine world
and the human world captive really isn’t the best idea, Mero.
Or do you not know about Smith, Mr. Trafficker of Info?
TRINITY
Shut up, you olive munching freak.
Do as I say, or we’ll all die NOW.
PERSEPHONE
Would you just give her back her man?
She gets cranky when she can’t get any.
INT. WHITE
NEO
So boring. I guess I could add “e”s to all the “Mobil”s.
TRAIN arrives with TRINITY.
TRINITY
Honey! I found you! Now the movie can progress.
NEO
Not until the audience gets some answers. I need to see the
Oracle, as she is the only one who ever knows anything.
INT. ORACLE’S HOUSE
AUDIENCE
Moment of silence for Ms. Foster, please. Thank you.
ORACLE
My appearance has changed slightly because
I did…something. Never mind what exactly.
SATI
Look where I’ve shown up! I’m so cute!
ORACLE
Neo, when I first met you, you were scared and stupid.
Now look at you. Emotionless as a stone.
NEO
Oracle, what is going on?
ORACLE
When the mouse look down upon the cat, there
must be an escape route nearby.
NEO
What?
ORACLE
The greatest danger may be your stupidity.
NEO
Hey!
ORACLE
Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight
never misses an appointment.
NEO
Okay, enough with the fortune cookie sentiments.
ORACLE
All right. Cue the dramatic music.
CUE: SWELLING, DRAMATIC MUSIC
ORACLE (cont.)
Everything that has a beginning has an end.
NEO
That’s it?
ORACLE
It’s our tagline, dummy. Now go save the
world from Agent Elrond.
INT. THE INFINITELY LESS INTERESTING REAL WORLD
NEO
I need time to brood.
CAPT. SCOWL
What? No one can be grimmer than me!
AGENT BANE ELROND
I’m awake. Why don’t you put me on trial
so I can act like Hugo Weaving? Though
I’m still really Ian Bliss, as if you cared.
CAPT. SCOWL
Grrrr…grrrr…
AGENT BANE ELROND
I’m pretty much telling you that I’m no
longer Bane. If you weren’t stupid bags
of flesh, you’d have figured this out.
CAPT. SCOWL
I’m too busy being dour to think.
INT. MATRIX: THE ORACLE’S HOUSE
SATI
Oracle, can I stay here and be adorable?
ORACLE
Yes, dear. But first, Elrond has to come
around and assimilate us all.
AGENT ELROND
I’m maniacal! Hate me as I assimilate the
adorable child! Hahahahahaha.
ORACLE
Yes, yes. Hurry up and get this over with.
AGENT ELROND
No, I want to talk to myself for a while.
ORACLE
Just stick your hand in me, jerk.
AGENT ELROND
Actually, I’m a little apprehensive about…
The world rocks as ORACLE is assimilated.
AGENT ORACLE ELROND
No, it worked. And don’t worry; this is in
no way, shape or form a trap. No way.
EXT. REAL WORLD: TUNNEL
CAPT. SCOWL
We have found Niobe’s ship, and are hoping
to add her to the cast to garner some interest
in these non-action scenes.
SHIP looks dead. It’s spooky. Something makes a noise. THE BROTHERS WACH think this is TENSION.
SOME GUY
What was that?
AUDIENCE
Mynock?
NIOBE
I’m still alive. Jump my ship, and I’ll
engage the audience for you. Sorry Morpheus,
but I have to relegate you to love interest.
MORPHEUS
That’s okay. My character wasn’t getting much attention anyway.
AUDIENCE
You can jump these futuristic ships?
SOME GUY
Okay, so it’s positive to positive…and negative
to ground. Okay, start the engine.
NIOBE
Capt. Scowl and I will draw up some plans
so we can get back to Zion, because I’m
sure the audience is just dying to go back there.
THE BROS WACH
Oh, yeah. Zion. Hang on a moment.
INT. REAL WORLD: ZION
A BUNCH OF PREVIOUSLY MINOR CHARACTERS make plans to protect Zion. The AUDIENCE doesn’t really care.
THE BROS WACH
Okay, back to the movie.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S SHIP
NEO
I need a ship. I don’t really know why. Well, it seems pretty
obvious that I’m going to make some type of deal with the
machines to get rid of Smith if they stop killing us, but I apparently
haven’t figured this out yet. No one said I was a smart One.
CAPT. SCOWL
I will glare at you and not give you a ship.
NIOBE
I will give you my ship, Neo.
CAPT. SCOWL
You can’t do that!
NIOBE
You are so not the captain of me.
MORPHEUS
But you do not believe in the One.
NIOBE
I believe in him.
NEO
I’m still in the room. Stop talking about me in the third person.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S MEDICAL BAY
AGENT BANE ELROND
I am Agent Bane Elrond. I am about to kill you.
MAGGIE
I can’t hear you. I will give you this drug
so you will tell me what happened.
AGENT BANE ELROND
I don’t feel like repeating myself, so DIE.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S SHIP
TRINITY
Wherever you go, I will go.
NEO
It’s dangerous. I say as if everything in our world isn’t dangerous.
TRINITY
Do you know what’s changed in the past six hours?
NEO
Do I ever know anything in a timely manner?
TRINITY
Nothing. Well, the world’s rotated, and Morpheus has been demoted
to supporting character, and we lost a bunch of minor characters.
But my love hasn’t changed. That was my point.
NEO
Okay, let’s go then.
They leave. CAPT. SCOWL’S CREW discovers MAGGIE’S BODY. Everyone decides that AGENT BANE ELROND is on the other ship with NEO and TRINITY.
AUDIENCE
No duh.
INT. NIOBE’S SHIP
AGENT BANE ELROND jumps TRINITY and confuses NEO.
AGENT BANE ELROND
Look, Neo, it’s very simple. I’m Agent Elrond.
NEO
Huh?
AGENT BANE ELROND
I talk exactly like him. I call you “Mr. Anderson.”
Even my facial structure is vaguely reminiscent of
Agent Elrond’s. Think about it, genius.
NEO
I don’t see it.
AGENT BANE ELROND
ARGH! I’m sick of you stupid humans. Die!
AGENT BANE ELROND and NEO fight. Lights flash; blood is spilt; the AUDIENCE squints and tries to follow what’s going on.
AGENT BANE ELROND
I’m going to burn your eyes out. It’ll hurt for a
moment, but in actuality, it is a convenient plot device.
NEO
Ah, thank you. Now I can see that you are, in fact, Agent Elrond.
AGENT BANE ELROND
About damn time, idiot.
NEO kills AGENT BANE ELROND.
NEO
Okay, audience. I hope that was satisfying.
I’ll meet you all at the end of the movie.
AUDIENCE
Huh?
INT. ZION IN PREPARATION
LOCK
The APUs must hold the dock or I will foam at
the mouth and yell at inanimate objects.
MIFUNE
I am the other really awesome character in this movie. Now is
the time for me to give my inspirational speech.
PEOPLE OF ZION
Yay! We love you because you do not pontificate!
MIFUNE
I wonder where we got all these APUs though…
SOME GUY
Oh, we borrowed a few.
INT. ALIENS
RIPLEY
Huh? Where’s my exo-skeleton suit?
QUEEN ALIEN
Hahahaha! Die bitch!
RIPLEY is killed and the ALIENS SAGA is thankfully ended before the third and fourth movies are made.
INT. ZION
ZEE is squatting in a hallway with SOME WOMAN.
ZEE
Who are you?
SOME WOMAN
I am Charra, your expendable partner.
Don’t be afraid. I’ll back you up.
ZEE
I’m not afraid. I’m a major secondary character
with a love interest. No way am I going to die.
CHARRA
I wonder how your man and the others on
Capt. Scowl’s ship are doing.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S SHIP
NIOBE
We’re fine. Now stop bothering me. I am attempting
some really tricky flying through a maintenance tunnel.
SQUIDS attack. OTHERS shoot them off. NIOBE pulls off some pretty interesting SPECIAL EFFECTS.
MORPHEUS
I don’t know why I even bothered to show up for this movie.
INT. ZION – BATTLE TIME
The DRILLS and SQUIDS break through to the dock. MIFUNE and APUs start shooting. SPECIAL EFFECTS reign supreme.
LOCK
Why isn’t anyone stopping the drills? ARGH!
ZEE and CHARRA and several other groups of people launch grenades at the DRILL LEGS.
CHARRA
Why are we the only pair of shooters who can actually hit anything?
ZEE
The audience is familiar with me, and therefore
we have to be the most heroic. Besides, I am
doing this for Link, so I am also the most driven.
CHARRA
As you are guaranteed to survive, I guess I am pretty safe with you.
ZEE
Oh no! Here come some Squids!
ZEE and CHARRA dodge SQUID ARMS wielded by INTERNS. CHARRA does not make it. The AUDIENCE is not surprised.
INT. BACK AT THE DOCK
A huge cloud of SQUIDS swarms into the DOCK.
CAST/AUDIENCE
Aw, shit.
SQUIDS start taking out PEOPLE left and right. MIFUNE is still standing because he is AWESOME. Somewhere along the line, the LIGHTING has turned RED.
THE KID
I’m still alive and waiting for my turn to be a hero.
AUDIENCE
Speaking of heroes, it’s been about half an hour
since we’ve seen Neo. What the hell is he doing?
INT. CRAFT SERVICES TABLE
NEO and TRINITY are drinking coffee.
NEO
Jelly donut?
TRINITY
No thanks. Have to watch what you eat when you
wear skintight, PVC catsuits.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S SHIP
NIOBE
We are nearly back to Zion, but no one is opening
the door for us! We could save the day, if only
someone would open the door!
NIOBE does some more fancy driving.
MEANWHILE: LOCK has figured out that NIOBE and CREW are coming to save everyone, and tries to tell MIFUNE, who can’t hear him. ZEE, fortunately, does hear him and goes to help.
INT. THE DOCK
MIFUNE runs out of ammo and THE KID heroically reloads him. Unfortunately, a squid attacks MIFUNE.
AUDIENCE
Noooo! Movie, why must you kill off cool characters?
MIFUNE
Kid, I know your character has only been involved
in annoying hero worship up until this point, but I
need you to be heroic and open a door.
He dies.
THE KID
Wow, I’ve never had to do anything important to
the plot before. I don’t know if I can.
He gets attacked by a SQUID. ZEE zaps it.
ZEE
I have made it in the nick of time so we can save the day.
THE KID
Lesser characters…ATTACK!
THE KID shoots the door open just in time for NIOBE to fly through. They blow their EMP, destroying all the SQUIDS.
MORPHEUS
Well, it’s a good thing some things never change.
NIOBE
And some things do.
AUDIENCE
Argh! It wasn’t deep in the last movie, and it isn’t deep now!
LOCK
Gar! Why did you blow your EMP! Now all of our
equipment doesn’t work, and we’re going to die! Rargh!
NIOBE
Excuse me, but you were about to die anyway. At least
we bought you some time. So eat me.
NEO
Hey, should I be doing something?
THE WACH BROS
Oh, yeah. Our hero.
EXT. THE REAL WORLD: SURFACE
TRINITY
Okay, we’re over the pod fields. Now what?
NEO
Go…that way. Thank goodness I can see
the machines. Or their auras anyway.
MACHINES
Hey…something’s approaching. Wow, that
hasn’t happened for a few hundred years. Yo!
Defenses! Get your asses up and shoot it down!
MACHINES start shooting at them. NEO blows them up by thinking about it.
NEO
Now that I know what I have to do, I don’t go into comas
anymore. Wow, look at all the pretty lights.
TRINITY
Um…Neo, they’re hitting us.
NEO
I cannot deflect all of them. We must…FLY OVER THEM!
MACHINES
Oh no! They’ve moved in a THIRD dimension!
We can no longer track them!
TRINITY flies over the machines, and up through the heavy clouds to the SUN.
TRINITY
Ooooh, look at the pretty sun!
NEO
Um, blind.
They crash down, right into the MACHINE CITY.
NEO
Whew, that was close. Right, Trinity?
TRINITY
…
NEO
Trinity?
TRINITY
Remember how you saved me about twenty-four
hours ago? Well, thanks, but I’m dying again.
MACHINE #1
Um…something’s crashed into our city. Shouldn’t
we, you know, do something?
MACHINE #2
Just hang on. They’re having a touching moment.
NEO
Oh, Trinity. I will almost show some emotion about your death!
AUDIENCE
Don’t worry, Neo. She won’t die till after her speech.
TRINITY
Neo, I love you. Always have. You will go on without me because
you have to. But, now that I’m dead, the audience is quite positive
you will soon follow. So, go make use of your religious
subtext and kick Agent Elrond’s ass. Kiss me.
NEO does. TRINITY dies. NEO mourns.
AUDIENCE
Um…Neo? I know it’s heart wrenching and all,
but Zion is quickly running out of time.
INT. ZION COUNCIL
LOCK
We’re screwed. That’s pretty much it.
COUNCILORS
Oh no!
MORPHEUS
Neo.
COUCILORS
Oh, right.
EXT. THE MACHINE CITY
NEO wanders blindly.
MACHINE #3
Holy crow! It’s the One! Can I get his autograph?!
DEUS EX MACHINA
Beat it punks, he’s mine.
NEO
Hello there.
DEUS EX MACHINA
I AM THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE OZ!
NEO
I can get rid of Elrond for you.
DEUS EX MACHINA
Eh…eh…but you’re human…I don’t want your help…eh…eh.
NEO
Okay, if you don’t want my help, then just kill me. I don’t really care.
AUDIENCE
Wow, it’s the passive-aggressive savior.
DEUS EX MACHINA
Wait, okay. Take care of Elrond and we’ll stop killing off your species.
NEO
Plug me in, big guy.
INT. ZION, MOMENTS AWAY FROM DEVASTATION
MACHINE #4
Hey, the boss says hold up the slaughter a moment.
MACHINE #5
Well, let’s all just squat on the ground then.
HUMANS
Wha…?
MORPHEUS
I’m not going to say “I told you so.”
I’m not going to say “I told you so.”
INT. THE MATRIX, FINALLY
BILLIONS OF ELRONDS
Where’s the freakin’ parade? We were promised a parade!
AGENT ELROND
You know, I’m only happy when it rains.
NEO
Let’s just get our fight scene on, okay?
AGENT ELROND and NEO whale on each other for a while.
AUDIENCE
Hmmm…this seems familiar. And not just from previous movies either.
NEO and AGENT ELROND fly around and hit each other. Sometimes they stop to talk.
AUDIENCE
Now, I know the Wachowski Brothers are
big anime fans…maybe that’s why…?
Stuff explodes around AGENT ELROND and NEO as they fly around and fight.
AUDIENCE
Wait a minute…
AGENT ELROND grabs NEO and crashes him into the ground, creating a huge crater.
AUDIENCE
It’s Dragonball Z! They’re ripping off Dragonball Z!
NEO lies in a big hole, unconscious.
AGENT ELROND
I could kill him now, but I want him to wake up
so I can talk at him for a while.
NEO
I’m not going to stop fighting, even if it’s hopeless.
AGENT ELROND
How about if I said please?
NEO
No, I’m making the choice to fight, so there’s
nothing you can do to stop me.
AGENT ELROND gets pretty pissed at this and bitch-slaps NEO down.
AGENT ELROND
Hang on…something’s weird…I think I’m the Oracle.
AUDIENCE
Wait, what? Then where’s the original Elrond?
AGENT ORACLE ELROND
And I stand here…and I say…Cue the dramatic music.
CUE: SWELLING DRAMATIC MUSIC
AGENT ORACLE ELROND (cont.)
Everything that has a beginning has an end.
NEO
The tagline? Now all my suspicions have been confirmed.
Elrond? Assimilate me. Don’t worry, not a trap. No way.
AGENT ORACLE ELROND sticks his hand in NEO again, and turns him into AGENT NEO ELROND.
AGENT ORACLE ELROND
Is it over?
AUDIENCE
God, we hope so.
Out in the Machine City, the DEUS EX MACHINA does…um…SOMETHING. AGENT NEO ELROND starts to explode.
AGENT ORACLE ELROND
OMG! WTF!
AGENT NEO ELROND
LOL! PRANKD!
AGENT NEO ELROND explodes, causing all the other AGENTS ELROND to explode too.
EXT. REAL WORLD: MACHINE CITY
NEO dies in an overtly symbolic pose.
MACHINE #6
Hey, are we the Bible yet?
INT. REAL WORLD: ZION
MACHINES get the hell out of DODGE.
THE KID
The machines are leaving? That must mean
the war is over! I must spaz out!
AUDIENCE
No, it just means they’re not killing you now. I mean, they still exist,
and there’s going to be more animosity, eventually.
THE KID
Neo saved us! Yay!
AUDIENCE
Oh, shut up, Kid. You’re still annoying.
MORPHEUS
I told you so!
NIOBE
I thought you weren’t going to say that.
EXT. REAL WORLD: MACHINE CITY
MACHINE #7
So, um…what do we do with this body?
DEUS EX MACHINA
I don’t know. Stuff it and mount it in the den?
NEO’S BODY is dragged off on some ship that turns into a LOTUS BLOSSOM of light.
AUDIENCE
Oh, so he’s Krishna now? Could we just
pick a savior figure, please?
EXT. MATRIX PARK
SATI
I’m back! Still adorable!
ORACLE
Well, so glad my bid to almost destroy everything
turned out for the best.
ARCHITECT
Don’t worry, I’m not here to talk incessantly again.
ORACLE
Good, there’s been enough talking.
ARCHITECT
Well, you’ve managed to delay the war for a few
more generations. There are still two opposing
factions, so I bet we’re fighting again, eventually.
ORACLE
Oh shut up and go release the people who want
to leave and live in the destroyed real world.
ARCHITECT
Fine. Later, bitch.
The SUN rises. It could be symbolic. You know, MAYBE.
ORACLE
Sati, did you do that?
SATI
Oh yes, for Neo. I’ve turned into God or something.
NEO
That’s sweet, but I’m dead.
SATI
Oracle, do you think we’ll ever see Neo again?
ORACLE
Oh, I think someday we’ll see him again.
NEO
SHIT! You mean I have to do this again?!
I may put up Spiderman next, but I was thinking I might hold off until I get the second movie for Christmas and do a BBE for that one. In that case, I'll do a thorough search for Phantom Menace, and do those next. What do you think?
In any case, here's The Matrix
(A/N: The Matrix is still not mine. Which, in the case of this particular installment, is fine by me. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to sunlight. May impair your ability to operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to heed this warning is responsible for his or her own indignation.)
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
We now join this movie, already in progress.
FADE IN:
INT. THE INFINITELY LESS INTERESTING REAL WORLD
Any change in Neo?
TRINITY
No. He’s still as unresponsive as a plank of wood.
AUDIENCE
Get used to it.
TRINITY
How about Bane?
MAGGIE
We’re pretty sure he’s still Ian Bliss.
CAPT. SCOWL
Where’s Niobe? We need her to carry these
real world scenes until we get to the action.
INT. THE MATRIX
I can’t believe the Oracle makes me call collect.
Someone answer the damn phone already.
INT. THE REAL WORLD
Seraph says the Oracle says we have to go to the Matrix
so we can wear our fashionable clothes, and so she can
tell us the Merovingian has Neo, which the audience
already knows because they’ve seen the trailer, so the
author of this fanfiction is going to skip over meeting
the Oracle because it’s one too many scene transitions.
INT. WHITE
Hello. I’m enigmatic.
NEO
Me too. Where am I?
SATI
Between the Matrix and the relatively real world.
It’s a metro station. Bet you’re surprised.
NEO
I’m just surprised I didn’t end up at Wonderland Station.
SATI
Come meet my parents. They’ll confuse you more.
SATI’S DAD
We are programs that had a child.
NEO
Whoa.
AUDIENCE
Is that even possible?
SATI’S DAD
She has no function in the machine city, so we’re taking
her to the Matrix to hide because we love her.
NEO
You can love now?
SATI’S DAD
Love is just a word. It’s the meaning you attach to it.
NEO
Yeah, but there has to be some consensus
as to what the meaning is. Otherwise,
I could say love means “bologna.”
SATI’S DAD
Errr…yeah…Here comes the Trainman!
Get on the train, Sati. Mind the gap.
NEO
Hey, can I get a day pass for this train?
TRAINMAN
No! I’m a megalomaniac! I am God!
I kick your ass! Ahahahhahahaha…
NEO
Damn. He’s right. Maybe I can run through
the tunnel after the train.
AUDIENCE
No, Neo. It’s a Mobius strip.
NEO does it anyway because he’s NOT THAT BRIGHT.
INT. THE MATRIX, LAST YOU WILL SEE OF IT FOR A WHILE
TRINITY, MORPHEUS AND SERAPH attempt to get the TRAINMAN to take them to NEO. They fail. Along the way, TRINITY feels the need to flip over a turnstile instead of jumping over it, because that wouldn’t be DRAMATIC enough.
We must go straight to the Merovingian now, and if he
doesn’t give me Neo, I will become Hurricane Trinity.
SERAPH
We must gratuitously kill some people before
we can talk to the Merovingian so some pundits
can blame us for propagating violence in society.
SERAPH/TRINITY/MORPHEUS kill some BONDAGE PEOPLE/PROGRAMS and go to see MERO.
Wait…that music…these people…
Nooo! It’s another rave! Kill me now!
TRINITY
Oh, no you don’t. We’re not losing the audience
to sleep this time! I want Neo back!
THE MEROVINGIAN
I do not believe it. Here you come to me, presenting me
with another opportunity to listen to myself talk.
Man, I love the sound of my voice.
FANGIRLS
Where are the Twins, you jerk!?
TRINITY
He’s rambling again.
MORPHEUS
Let him. It’s the last time he’ll be in this movie.
SERAPH
At least you people haven’t had to spend six
Matrices with him.
PERSEPHONE
At least you’re not married to him.
THE MEROVINGIAN
Are you people listening to me? I have Neo,
remember? Do as I say or we’ll all die eventually.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, holding the one person who can save the machine world
and the human world captive really isn’t the best idea, Mero.
Or do you not know about Smith, Mr. Trafficker of Info?
TRINITY
Shut up, you olive munching freak.
Do as I say, or we’ll all die NOW.
PERSEPHONE
Would you just give her back her man?
She gets cranky when she can’t get any.
INT. WHITE
So boring. I guess I could add “e”s to all the “Mobil”s.
TRAIN arrives with TRINITY.
Honey! I found you! Now the movie can progress.
NEO
Not until the audience gets some answers. I need to see the
Oracle, as she is the only one who ever knows anything.
INT. ORACLE’S HOUSE
Moment of silence for Ms. Foster, please. Thank you.
ORACLE
My appearance has changed slightly because
I did…something. Never mind what exactly.
SATI
Look where I’ve shown up! I’m so cute!
ORACLE
Neo, when I first met you, you were scared and stupid.
Now look at you. Emotionless as a stone.
NEO
Oracle, what is going on?
ORACLE
When the mouse look down upon the cat, there
must be an escape route nearby.
NEO
What?
ORACLE
The greatest danger may be your stupidity.
NEO
Hey!
ORACLE
Because of your melodic nature, the moonlight
never misses an appointment.
NEO
Okay, enough with the fortune cookie sentiments.
ORACLE
All right. Cue the dramatic music.
CUE: SWELLING, DRAMATIC MUSIC
Everything that has a beginning has an end.
NEO
That’s it?
ORACLE
It’s our tagline, dummy. Now go save the
world from Agent Elrond.
INT. THE INFINITELY LESS INTERESTING REAL WORLD
I need time to brood.
CAPT. SCOWL
What? No one can be grimmer than me!
AGENT BANE ELROND
I’m awake. Why don’t you put me on trial
so I can act like Hugo Weaving? Though
I’m still really Ian Bliss, as if you cared.
CAPT. SCOWL
Grrrr…grrrr…
AGENT BANE ELROND
I’m pretty much telling you that I’m no
longer Bane. If you weren’t stupid bags
of flesh, you’d have figured this out.
CAPT. SCOWL
I’m too busy being dour to think.
INT. MATRIX: THE ORACLE’S HOUSE
Oracle, can I stay here and be adorable?
ORACLE
Yes, dear. But first, Elrond has to come
around and assimilate us all.
AGENT ELROND
I’m maniacal! Hate me as I assimilate the
adorable child! Hahahahahaha.
ORACLE
Yes, yes. Hurry up and get this over with.
AGENT ELROND
No, I want to talk to myself for a while.
ORACLE
Just stick your hand in me, jerk.
AGENT ELROND
Actually, I’m a little apprehensive about…
The world rocks as ORACLE is assimilated.
No, it worked. And don’t worry; this is in
no way, shape or form a trap. No way.
EXT. REAL WORLD: TUNNEL
We have found Niobe’s ship, and are hoping
to add her to the cast to garner some interest
in these non-action scenes.
SHIP looks dead. It’s spooky. Something makes a noise. THE BROTHERS WACH think this is TENSION.
What was that?
AUDIENCE
Mynock?
NIOBE
I’m still alive. Jump my ship, and I’ll
engage the audience for you. Sorry Morpheus,
but I have to relegate you to love interest.
MORPHEUS
That’s okay. My character wasn’t getting much attention anyway.
AUDIENCE
You can jump these futuristic ships?
SOME GUY
Okay, so it’s positive to positive…and negative
to ground. Okay, start the engine.
NIOBE
Capt. Scowl and I will draw up some plans
so we can get back to Zion, because I’m
sure the audience is just dying to go back there.
THE BROS WACH
Oh, yeah. Zion. Hang on a moment.
INT. REAL WORLD: ZION
A BUNCH OF PREVIOUSLY MINOR CHARACTERS make plans to protect Zion. The AUDIENCE doesn’t really care.
Okay, back to the movie.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S SHIP
I need a ship. I don’t really know why. Well, it seems pretty
obvious that I’m going to make some type of deal with the
machines to get rid of Smith if they stop killing us, but I apparently
haven’t figured this out yet. No one said I was a smart One.
CAPT. SCOWL
I will glare at you and not give you a ship.
NIOBE
I will give you my ship, Neo.
CAPT. SCOWL
You can’t do that!
NIOBE
You are so not the captain of me.
MORPHEUS
But you do not believe in the One.
NIOBE
I believe in him.
NEO
I’m still in the room. Stop talking about me in the third person.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S MEDICAL BAY
I am Agent Bane Elrond. I am about to kill you.
MAGGIE
I can’t hear you. I will give you this drug
so you will tell me what happened.
AGENT BANE ELROND
I don’t feel like repeating myself, so DIE.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S SHIP
Wherever you go, I will go.
NEO
It’s dangerous. I say as if everything in our world isn’t dangerous.
TRINITY
Do you know what’s changed in the past six hours?
NEO
Do I ever know anything in a timely manner?
TRINITY
Nothing. Well, the world’s rotated, and Morpheus has been demoted
to supporting character, and we lost a bunch of minor characters.
But my love hasn’t changed. That was my point.
NEO
Okay, let’s go then.
They leave. CAPT. SCOWL’S CREW discovers MAGGIE’S BODY. Everyone decides that AGENT BANE ELROND is on the other ship with NEO and TRINITY.
No duh.
INT. NIOBE’S SHIP
AGENT BANE ELROND jumps TRINITY and confuses NEO.
Look, Neo, it’s very simple. I’m Agent Elrond.
NEO
Huh?
AGENT BANE ELROND
I talk exactly like him. I call you “Mr. Anderson.”
Even my facial structure is vaguely reminiscent of
Agent Elrond’s. Think about it, genius.
NEO
I don’t see it.
AGENT BANE ELROND
ARGH! I’m sick of you stupid humans. Die!
AGENT BANE ELROND and NEO fight. Lights flash; blood is spilt; the AUDIENCE squints and tries to follow what’s going on.
I’m going to burn your eyes out. It’ll hurt for a
moment, but in actuality, it is a convenient plot device.
NEO
Ah, thank you. Now I can see that you are, in fact, Agent Elrond.
AGENT BANE ELROND
About damn time, idiot.
NEO kills AGENT BANE ELROND.
Okay, audience. I hope that was satisfying.
I’ll meet you all at the end of the movie.
AUDIENCE
Huh?
INT. ZION IN PREPARATION
The APUs must hold the dock or I will foam at
the mouth and yell at inanimate objects.
MIFUNE
I am the other really awesome character in this movie. Now is
the time for me to give my inspirational speech.
PEOPLE OF ZION
Yay! We love you because you do not pontificate!
MIFUNE
I wonder where we got all these APUs though…
SOME GUY
Oh, we borrowed a few.
INT. ALIENS
Huh? Where’s my exo-skeleton suit?
QUEEN ALIEN
Hahahaha! Die bitch!
RIPLEY is killed and the ALIENS SAGA is thankfully ended before the third and fourth movies are made.
INT. ZION
ZEE is squatting in a hallway with SOME WOMAN.
Who are you?
SOME WOMAN
I am Charra, your expendable partner.
Don’t be afraid. I’ll back you up.
ZEE
I’m not afraid. I’m a major secondary character
with a love interest. No way am I going to die.
CHARRA
I wonder how your man and the others on
Capt. Scowl’s ship are doing.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S SHIP
We’re fine. Now stop bothering me. I am attempting
some really tricky flying through a maintenance tunnel.
SQUIDS attack. OTHERS shoot them off. NIOBE pulls off some pretty interesting SPECIAL EFFECTS.
I don’t know why I even bothered to show up for this movie.
INT. ZION – BATTLE TIME
The DRILLS and SQUIDS break through to the dock. MIFUNE and APUs start shooting. SPECIAL EFFECTS reign supreme.
Why isn’t anyone stopping the drills? ARGH!
ZEE and CHARRA and several other groups of people launch grenades at the DRILL LEGS.
Why are we the only pair of shooters who can actually hit anything?
ZEE
The audience is familiar with me, and therefore
we have to be the most heroic. Besides, I am
doing this for Link, so I am also the most driven.
CHARRA
As you are guaranteed to survive, I guess I am pretty safe with you.
ZEE
Oh no! Here come some Squids!
ZEE and CHARRA dodge SQUID ARMS wielded by INTERNS. CHARRA does not make it. The AUDIENCE is not surprised.
INT. BACK AT THE DOCK
A huge cloud of SQUIDS swarms into the DOCK.
Aw, shit.
SQUIDS start taking out PEOPLE left and right. MIFUNE is still standing because he is AWESOME. Somewhere along the line, the LIGHTING has turned RED.
I’m still alive and waiting for my turn to be a hero.
AUDIENCE
Speaking of heroes, it’s been about half an hour
since we’ve seen Neo. What the hell is he doing?
INT. CRAFT SERVICES TABLE
NEO and TRINITY are drinking coffee.
Jelly donut?
TRINITY
No thanks. Have to watch what you eat when you
wear skintight, PVC catsuits.
INT. CAPT. SCOWL’S SHIP
We are nearly back to Zion, but no one is opening
the door for us! We could save the day, if only
someone would open the door!
NIOBE does some more fancy driving.
MEANWHILE: LOCK has figured out that NIOBE and CREW are coming to save everyone, and tries to tell MIFUNE, who can’t hear him. ZEE, fortunately, does hear him and goes to help.
INT. THE DOCK
MIFUNE runs out of ammo and THE KID heroically reloads him. Unfortunately, a squid attacks MIFUNE.
Noooo! Movie, why must you kill off cool characters?
MIFUNE
Kid, I know your character has only been involved
in annoying hero worship up until this point, but I
need you to be heroic and open a door.
He dies.
Wow, I’ve never had to do anything important to
the plot before. I don’t know if I can.
He gets attacked by a SQUID. ZEE zaps it.
I have made it in the nick of time so we can save the day.
THE KID
Lesser characters…ATTACK!
THE KID shoots the door open just in time for NIOBE to fly through. They blow their EMP, destroying all the SQUIDS.
Well, it’s a good thing some things never change.
NIOBE
And some things do.
AUDIENCE
Argh! It wasn’t deep in the last movie, and it isn’t deep now!
LOCK
Gar! Why did you blow your EMP! Now all of our
equipment doesn’t work, and we’re going to die! Rargh!
NIOBE
Excuse me, but you were about to die anyway. At least
we bought you some time. So eat me.
NEO
Hey, should I be doing something?
THE WACH BROS
Oh, yeah. Our hero.
EXT. THE REAL WORLD: SURFACE
Okay, we’re over the pod fields. Now what?
NEO
Go…that way. Thank goodness I can see
the machines. Or their auras anyway.
MACHINES
Hey…something’s approaching. Wow, that
hasn’t happened for a few hundred years. Yo!
Defenses! Get your asses up and shoot it down!
MACHINES start shooting at them. NEO blows them up by thinking about it.
Now that I know what I have to do, I don’t go into comas
anymore. Wow, look at all the pretty lights.
TRINITY
Um…Neo, they’re hitting us.
NEO
I cannot deflect all of them. We must…FLY OVER THEM!
MACHINES
Oh no! They’ve moved in a THIRD dimension!
We can no longer track them!
TRINITY flies over the machines, and up through the heavy clouds to the SUN.
Ooooh, look at the pretty sun!
NEO
Um, blind.
They crash down, right into the MACHINE CITY.
Whew, that was close. Right, Trinity?
TRINITY
…
NEO
Trinity?
TRINITY
Remember how you saved me about twenty-four
hours ago? Well, thanks, but I’m dying again.
MACHINE #1
Um…something’s crashed into our city. Shouldn’t
we, you know, do something?
MACHINE #2
Just hang on. They’re having a touching moment.
NEO
Oh, Trinity. I will almost show some emotion about your death!
AUDIENCE
Don’t worry, Neo. She won’t die till after her speech.
TRINITY
Neo, I love you. Always have. You will go on without me because
you have to. But, now that I’m dead, the audience is quite positive
you will soon follow. So, go make use of your religious
subtext and kick Agent Elrond’s ass. Kiss me.
NEO does. TRINITY dies. NEO mourns.
Um…Neo? I know it’s heart wrenching and all,
but Zion is quickly running out of time.
INT. ZION COUNCIL
We’re screwed. That’s pretty much it.
COUNCILORS
Oh no!
MORPHEUS
Neo.
COUCILORS
Oh, right.
EXT. THE MACHINE CITY
NEO wanders blindly.
Holy crow! It’s the One! Can I get his autograph?!
DEUS EX MACHINA
Beat it punks, he’s mine.
NEO
Hello there.
DEUS EX MACHINA
I AM THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE OZ!
NEO
I can get rid of Elrond for you.
DEUS EX MACHINA
Eh…eh…but you’re human…I don’t want your help…eh…eh.
NEO
Okay, if you don’t want my help, then just kill me. I don’t really care.
AUDIENCE
Wow, it’s the passive-aggressive savior.
DEUS EX MACHINA
Wait, okay. Take care of Elrond and we’ll stop killing off your species.
NEO
Plug me in, big guy.
INT. ZION, MOMENTS AWAY FROM DEVASTATION
Hey, the boss says hold up the slaughter a moment.
MACHINE #5
Well, let’s all just squat on the ground then.
HUMANS
Wha…?
MORPHEUS
I’m not going to say “I told you so.”
I’m not going to say “I told you so.”
INT. THE MATRIX, FINALLY
Where’s the freakin’ parade? We were promised a parade!
AGENT ELROND
You know, I’m only happy when it rains.
NEO
Let’s just get our fight scene on, okay?
AGENT ELROND and NEO whale on each other for a while.
Hmmm…this seems familiar. And not just from previous movies either.
NEO and AGENT ELROND fly around and hit each other. Sometimes they stop to talk.
AUDIENCE
big anime fans…maybe that’s why…?
Stuff explodes around AGENT ELROND and NEO as they fly around and fight.
Wait a minute…
AGENT ELROND grabs NEO and crashes him into the ground, creating a huge crater.
It’s Dragonball Z! They’re ripping off Dragonball Z!
NEO lies in a big hole, unconscious.
I could kill him now, but I want him to wake up
so I can talk at him for a while.
NEO
I’m not going to stop fighting, even if it’s hopeless.
AGENT ELROND
How about if I said please?
NEO
No, I’m making the choice to fight, so there’s
nothing you can do to stop me.
AGENT ELROND gets pretty pissed at this and bitch-slaps NEO down.
Hang on…something’s weird…I think I’m the Oracle.
AUDIENCE
Wait, what? Then where’s the original Elrond?
AGENT ORACLE ELROND
And I stand here…and I say…Cue the dramatic music.
CUE: SWELLING DRAMATIC MUSIC
Everything that has a beginning has an end.
NEO
The tagline? Now all my suspicions have been confirmed.
Elrond? Assimilate me. Don’t worry, not a trap. No way.
AGENT ORACLE ELROND sticks his hand in NEO again, and turns him into AGENT NEO ELROND.
Is it over?
AUDIENCE
God, we hope so.
Out in the Machine City, the DEUS EX MACHINA does…um…SOMETHING. AGENT NEO ELROND starts to explode.
OMG! WTF!
AGENT NEO ELROND
LOL! PRANKD!
AGENT NEO ELROND explodes, causing all the other AGENTS ELROND to explode too.
EXT. REAL WORLD: MACHINE CITY
NEO dies in an overtly symbolic pose.
Hey, are we the Bible yet?
INT. REAL WORLD: ZION
MACHINES get the hell out of DODGE.
The machines are leaving? That must mean
the war is over! I must spaz out!
AUDIENCE
No, it just means they’re not killing you now. I mean, they still exist,
and there’s going to be more animosity, eventually.
THE KID
Neo saved us! Yay!
AUDIENCE
Oh, shut up, Kid. You’re still annoying.
MORPHEUS
I told you so!
NIOBE
I thought you weren’t going to say that.
EXT. REAL WORLD: MACHINE CITY
So, um…what do we do with this body?
DEUS EX MACHINA
I don’t know. Stuff it and mount it in the den?
NEO’S BODY is dragged off on some ship that turns into a LOTUS BLOSSOM of light.
Oh, so he’s Krishna now? Could we just
pick a savior figure, please?
EXT. MATRIX PARK
I’m back! Still adorable!
ORACLE
Well, so glad my bid to almost destroy everything
turned out for the best.
ARCHITECT
Don’t worry, I’m not here to talk incessantly again.
ORACLE
Good, there’s been enough talking.
ARCHITECT
Well, you’ve managed to delay the war for a few
more generations. There are still two opposing
factions, so I bet we’re fighting again, eventually.
ORACLE
Oh shut up and go release the people who want
to leave and live in the destroyed real world.
ARCHITECT
Fine. Later, bitch.
The SUN rises. It could be symbolic. You know, MAYBE.
Sati, did you do that?
SATI
Oh yes, for Neo. I’ve turned into God or something.
NEO
That’s sweet, but I’m dead.
SATI
Oracle, do you think we’ll ever see Neo again?
ORACLE
Oh, I think someday we’ll see him again.
NEO
SHIT! You mean I have to do this again?!
