The Matrix: Reloaded: Breadbox Edition
Nov. 19th, 2004 04:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evadne_noelI wanted to do Star Wars next, but for the life of me, I could not find The Phantom Menace. On a side not, I cannot find Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer either. I wonder if I have them on disks. I certainly hope so, as I had to reformat my hard drive over the summer, losing everything stored on my computer (I had most of it backed lup, but who knows?). Shoot. Well, in any case, here's Matrix: Reloaded.
(Author’s Note: The Matrix is not mine. Indeed, I may belong to it. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to sunlight. May impair your ability to operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to heed this warning is responsible for his or her own indignation. And, yes, I can spell Nebuchadnezzar.)
THE MATRIX: RELOADED: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
INT. VAGUELY THREATENING OFFICE BUILDING
SOME GUARD
This is obviously a dream sequence.
TRINITY crashes a MOTORCYCLE into the building.
TRINITY
Yes. Definitely not real.
To illustrate this point, the scene FLASHES FORWARD to TRINITY fleeing an AGENT.
AGENT
As this dream features Trinity in danger, it
is probably Neo’s dream.
TRINITY jumps out the window, with AGENT in pursuit.
TRINITY
To reiterate one more time: this isn’t really happening.
The AGENT, not five minutes into the movie, shoots TRINITY, who crashes to her DEATH.
ABOUT A THRID OF THE AUDIENCE
Oh no! Trinity’s dead!
NEO wakes up.
ABOUT A THRID OF THE AUDIENCE (cont.)
Ohhhhhh…it was a dream!
REST OF THE AUDIENCE
Idiots.
NEO
I am concerned about things.
TRINITY
Things?
NEO
I can’t tell you. I’m angsty!
INT. THE HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP
LINK
You might be asking yourself, “Where’s Tank?”
AUDIENCE
Yeah, where is Tank?
LINK
Don’t know. Time lapse.
MORPHEUS
My presence shall not diminish, nor my faith fail.
LINK
Eh?
MORPHEUS
Sorry, thought I was in a movie that needed my
full range of acting ability.
LINK
No, no. We have special effects to distract the audience.
AUDIENCE
Better get to some of them.
INT. A DINGY WAREHOUSE
NIOBE
Let’s talk about people who aren’t here
and events the audience doesn’t know about.
GHOST
Buy the Animatrix!
MORPHEUS
I’m here! Now you can say the important things.
NIOBE
We’re all going to die in about 72 hours.
NEO
Hmmm…someone is knocking on the front door.
TRINITY
Neo, we are in the middle of a meeting. Where
are you…never mind. Just walk away.
MORPHEUS
I need someone to disobey orders because…
should I start my inspirational speech now?
NIOBE
Not yet.
MORPHEUS
Well, I just need someone to help me
establish a rivalry then.
INT. A DINGY WAREHOUSE – UPSTAIRS
NEO kicks AGENT ASS while AGENT ELRONDS (or is it AGENTS ELROND?) plot menacingly in the background.
AGENT ELROND #1
Yes, everything is going according to plan…
AGENT ELROND #2
There’s a plan?
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
Special effects! Superman references!
Copy this, Hollywood!
NEO
Now, I know I came to this apartment for a reason…
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
Well, we hope you enjoyed that quick
fight. It’ll have to last you.
MORPHEUS
Well, I’m off to be reprimanded. Hope you three manage to get some.
THE KID
Hey, I’m annoying!
AUDIENCE
The Kid? Did the Brothers W waste their
imagination budget on the flying sequence?
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – LINK’S
LINK
Huh, I wonder why Morpheus seemed to
think it would be difficult for me to get some.
KIDS
Potentially embarrassing situation!
ZEE
I am most ticked off with you.
LINK
But, why?
ZEE
Because of some things that have happened between the
first movie and this one which I will not fully explain, but
will allude to in order to give the audience the feeling
that they know what happened.
LINK
Man, at least Neo and Trinity are macking it.
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – NEO AND TRINITY’S
NEO
I wonder why Morpheus thought it would
be difficult for us to get some?
TRINITY
Don’t know. We have plenty of time, and no children to
create potentially embarrassing situations.
PEOPLE OF ZION
Hey, Neo.
TRINITY
Ah, yes. I forgot you were symbolic, Neo.
PEOPLE OF ZION
Neo, you are our savior. Your religious subtext says so.
NEO
Maybe I should stop dressing like a priest in the Matrix.
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – COMMAND CENTER, I GUESS
LOCK
You disobey orders.
MORPHEUS
You are an unbeliever.
LOCK
You put others at risk.
MORPHEUS
You stole my girlfriend.
LOCK
Jerk.
MORPHEUS
Twit.
COUNCILOR HAMANN
All right. Knock it off. I am a believer,
so I agree with whatever Morpheus says.
MORPHEUS
So there.
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – DISCOTHEQUE/TEMPLE
COUNCILOR HAMANN
*A la Master Thespian*
ACTING!
MORPHEUS
People of Zion! I am a Shakespearean actor!
PEOPLE OF ZION
Yay!
MORPHEUS
We will defeat the machines! We will have a rave! We will bore
the living daylights out of the audience!
A RAVE starts.
NEO
No, I don’t want a glow stick. Leave me alone!
TRINITY
Hey, Neo. Want to leave this debauchery
behind and have some symbolic sex?
NEO and TRINITY do IT.
AUDIENCE
Oddly, we can see more of the people dancing
than the people who are having sex.
The RAVE continues.
NEO and TRINITY continue to do IT.
AUDIENCE
*Yawns*
This goes on for QUITE A WHILE.
INT. THE MATRIX
The sound of BREAKING GLASS awakens AUDIENCE.
SOME GUY (TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP HIS NAME)
We must get this to Neo.
BANE
Buy Enter the Matrix!
SOME GUY (TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP HIS NAME) escapes to the REAL WORLD, but AGENT ELROND #21 shows up.
AGENT ELROND #21
I stole some black oil from X-Files.
BANE gets turned into AGENT ELROND #36 and goes to the REAL WORLD: ZION.
AGENT BANE ELROND #36
Dun dun DUN!
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – NEO AND TRINITY’S
NEO
I’m having trouble sleeping again.
COUNCILOR HAMANN
I might be able to help. I’ve got a load of
philosophical bull guaranteed to put you to sleep.
COUNCILOR HAMANN talks for a VERY LONG TIME.
NEO
What’s your point?
COUNCILOR HAMANN
I have no point.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, we got that.
INT. REAL WORLD: ZION – STILL
AUDIENCE
Are we ever going to get on with it?
SOME GUY (TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP HIS NAME)
I come bearing a plot development!
The CREW of the HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP gets ready to see the ORACLE and entertain the AUDIENCE with SPECIAL EFFECTS.
AGENT BANE ELROND #36
Ha ha! Now’s my chance to kill Neo!
AGENT BANE ELROND #36 sneaks up on NEO.
THE KID
Hey! I’m annoying!
AGENT BANE ELROND #36
Damn, thwarted.
AUDIENCE
You were about to kill Neo in front of three fully grown
adults who are very protective of his continued existence.
How were you deterred by the presence of the annoying Kid?
EXT. THE MATRIX – FINALLY
SERAPH
Hello. I am a perfectly superfluous character.
NEO
Er…where’s the Oracle?
SERAPH
She’s just over…Waahh!
A FIGHT breaks out of NOWHERE.
NEO and SERAPH fight for a while, but never really touch each other.
SERAPH
All right. You’re the One. You don’t
really know someone until you fight them.
NEO
I am really sorry for your girlfriends.
ORACLE
Hello, Neo. Are you ready to receive your
mission objectives and further the plot?
NEO
I really don’t have a choice, do I? I mean, you’re a machine.
I’m probably getting seriously screwed here.
ORACLE
Yeah, but that doesn’t make me any less of a likeable
character. Go get the Key Maker from the Merovingian.
NEO
Okay. Bye.
AGENT ELROND #96
Mr. Anderson…do you have a stopwatch?
I want to see how slow I can talk.
CROWS
Scatter! Evil character coming!
AGENT ELROND #96
Notice how verbose everyone is in this movie?
Well, I’m no different.
NEO
Elrond, the audience just spent the last forty minutes watching
political wrangling. I think they want a fight now.
AUDIENCE
And a real one. None of this bitch slapping with Seraph.
AGENT ELROND #96
Well, let me just summon up some friends.
AGENTS ELROND #135-149 appear.
NEO
Oh…my.
AGENT ELROND #96
Hope you don’t mind if I stick my hand in your chest.
NEO
Um, yeah. Actually, I do.
AGENT ELROND #96
Well, we’ll just have to fight then.
NEO and AGENTS ELROND fight A LA MATRIX. Which makes sense. It’s all very COOL, with STUNT MEN supported by SPECIAL EFFECTS.
AUDIENCE
Thank. You. So. Much.
OTHER AGENT
The hell is going on here?
AGENT ELROND #176
Nothing…just you getting your ass assimilated.
AGENT ELROND #204
All right, time to make this weirder.
DOZENS OF MORE AGENTS ELROND show up.
NEO
Oh…hell.
NEO plays stickball with the AGENTS. Literally with.
SPECIAL EFFECTS are now supported by STUNT MEN.
AGENT ELROND #267
I still can’t win. Time to make this absolutely ludicrous.
HUNDREDS OF AGENTS ELROND show up.
NEO
Oh…shit.
SOMETHING THAT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE NEO BUT NOT QUITE fights with THINGS THAT ARE NEARLY AGENTS ELROND.
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
We are so awesome! COPY THIS, HOLLYWOOD!
TWENTY MINUTES LATER:
AUDIENCE
Um…okay. This is getting as long as the speeches.
AGENTS ELROND
Pig pile on the One!
NEO
This has got to end.
NEO flies away.
AUDIENCE
Why didn’t you do that ten minutes ago?!
AGENT ELROND #500
Well, take five everyone.
INT. REAL WORLD: ZION – COUNCIL MEETING
COUNCILOR
We need people to go after Morpheus.
LOCK
Grrrr….
SOREN
I’ll go die.
NIOBE
I’ll go too.
LOCK
But…but…
NIOBE
Some things never change. And some things do.
AUDIENCE
Is that supposed to be deep?
INT. CHEZ MERO
THE MEROVINGIAN
I’m French. I drink wine. I womanize. I swear.
I’m evil. Have I mentioned I’m French?
THE MEROVINGIAN swears in FRENCH for about 10 MINUTES.
THE MEROVINGIAN (cont.)
So, would you like something to eat?
NEO
I know better than to eat anything offered to
me in the Underworld.
PERSEPHONE
Especially the pomegranates.
THE MEROVINGIAN
Well, then. I’ll just talk about causality until
the audience has fallen asleep.
THE TWINS
Yeah, Boss. You the Man.
BLONDE IN PINK DRESS
Hey, how come I’m the only guest not wearing black?
THE MEROVINGIAN
Because you’re symbolic. Now hush up while I use you to demonstrate
what I’ve been rambling about and piss off my wife.
MORPHEUS
So…can we have the Key Maker?
THE MEROVINGIAN
No, my one-dimensional evilness prevents me from helping you.
Now go away before I taunt you for a second time.
PERSEPHONE
My husband’s perfidy irritates me. I will help you…
MORPHEUS
Yes!
PERSEPHONE
…if Neo kisses me.
TRINITY
Hell no.
NEO
Can I ask why?
PERSEPHONE
Because you have big doe eyes, high cheek bones, and
in close-ups, you often look more feminine than Trinity.
TRINITY
Do not touch my bitch.
NEO kisses PERSEPHONE.
PERSEPHONE
Oh please. Put some effort into it.
NEO does the REVERSE SUPERMAN, i.e., he takes OFF his GLASSES to become his ALTER EGO.
NEO kisses PERSEPHONE passionately.
PERSEPHONE
There, I think that pissed off Trinity enough.
NEO
Could you not lean into me, please?
PERSEPHONE leads them to a DOOR. NEO opens it and discovers…RICK MORANIS. Oh, wait, no. It’s the KEY MAKER, not MASTER.
KEY MAKER
I’m the most interesting character in this movie!
THE MEROVINGIAN
Persephone! Why do you betray me?
PERSEPHONE
Because you sleep with other women.
AUDIENCE
You have no right to be upset over infidelity when you
make a deal involving kissing a man in front of the woman
who loves him. Well, maybe you do. But still!
KEY MAKER runs off. TRINITY and MORPHEUS follow.
THE MEROVINGIAN
Now, should I have my talented Twins kill the One, or
should I use my Dispensable Henchmen? I’ll send my more
useful minions after the Key Maker, and hope for the best.
NEO kicks DISPENSABLE HENCHMEN butt.
THE MEROVINGIAN
Hmm…guess I’ll just slam this door in Neo’s face.
INT. A PARKING GARAGE, POSSIBLY A DAVID FINCHER MOVIE
TRINITY, MORPHEUS and THE TWINS chase the KEY MAKER.
AUDIENCE
Why are they having so much trouble catching the Key
Maker? Is the little Asian guy too fast for them?
KEY MAKER
Not only am I interesting, but I’m useful too!
TWINS
We are just way too cool for words.
TRINITY and MORPHEUS manage to get away with the KEY MAKER, but the TWINS follow after stalling NEO.
NEO
Next person to slam a door in my face gets it!
Now I have to take special effects to the action.
AGENTS join the chase.
LINK
Take the Key Maker on the freeway.
A BLUES BROTHERS movie starts.
MORPHEUS
Let’s split up. That’s always a good plan.
The TWINS charge MORPHEUS in their SUV.
MORPHEUS (cont.)
Toro! Toro!
The SUV ROLLS OVER. And…BOOM!
AUDIENCE
Hmm…maybe I should buy a smaller car. Nah.
TWINS are removed from the scene, much to the dismay of FANGIRLS EVERYWHERE.
TRINITY hands off the KEY MAKER to MORPHEUS and escapes.
AGENTS
Unfortunately, we’re still here.
NIOBE
Yes, but we’ve shown up to lend a hand.
MORPHEUS
My ex-girlfriend has abandoned the Jerk and come for me!
AGENT
Focus, Morpheus!
MORPHEUS beats the daylights out of an AGENT, but forgets that they tend to travel in PACKS.
MORPHEUS
I could really use a deus ex machina right now.
NEO
You called?
LINK
Touchdown!
INT. SECRET HIDEOUT
KEY MAKER
A series of things must be done with precise
timing to get Neo into The Source.
NIOBE
I will help.
SOREN
I will die.
MORPHEUS
I will talk for obscene amounts of time.
AUDIENCE
Did you turn into Hamlet or something? Stop talking!
INT. THE HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP
NEO
Trinity, I need you to not go into the Matrix
so something terrible will not happen.
TRINITY
You realize that any attempt to impede this event
will merely cause it to come to pass?
NEO
Of course. But where would we be without a
little dramatic irony?
TRINITY
Can you at least tell me what the terrible thing is now?
NEO
No. Giving you too much information may cause you
to be prepared when you are forced to enter the Matrix.
INT. VAGUELY THREATENING OFFICE BUILDING
NIOBE and CREW blow shit up.
SOREN and CREW die.
TRINITY
Oh no! Neo will be killed if I don’t go into the
Matrix and fix things. Fate is trying to screw us over.
TRINITY enters the MATRIX and goes back to the BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE to blow shit up.
NEO, MORPHEUS, and KEY MAKER get into a HALLWAY.
AGENT ELROND #786
I’m back! With a few dozen of my friends!
NEO
Argh! Not again!
SEVERAL AGENTS ELROND stick their hands in MORPHEUS to assimilate him.
AGENT ELROND #790
Maybe we should have tried this on Neo instead
of standing around while #96 tried.
AGENT ELROND #791
No, that would have made too much sense.
NEO saves MORPHEUS while the KEY MAKER sneaks away and is CLEVER.
KEY MAKER
I’m interesting, useful and intelligent!
Unfortunately, the KEY MAKER gets shot.
AUDIENCE
No! The only good character!
NEO
But, now I can get into the Source, and
Morpheus can get out. This has gone
surprisingly well. I’m glad Trinity is safe.
CUT TO:
TRINITY gets beat up by an AGENT.
INT. THE SOURCE
NEOES IN SCREENS talk and are ANNOYING.
THE ARCHITECT
I am the Architect. I am perfect. You are not. So there.
NEO
You look just enough like the KFC Colonel
to be disconcerting.
THE ARCHITECT
Humans are imperfect, therefore the Matrix failed the
first time around. Now it is designed around your imperfection.
AUDIENCE
Hitler. The A-bomb. Bush. Are we attempting to be topical here?
THE ARCHITECT
You cannot save Zion. You are a ruse. This is the sixth Matrix.
NEOES IN SCREENS talk and are ANNOYING.
NEO
Everyone shut up while I talk to the Architect!
THE ARCHITECT
You can either continue Zion by going through
that door, or save Trinity by going through that door.
Though, that will kill everyone in the end.
NEO
Shit.
THE ARCHITECT
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. Blah.
AUDIENCE
Architect so boring…must pay attention…to understand plot.
NEO decides to SAVE TRINITY, screw EVERYONE ELSE.
THE ARCHITECT
I knew you would do that. Popcorn Chicken?
NEO flies like mad, and CATCHES TRINITY.
NEO
My dream has not come to pass! I have
successfully thwarted Fate!
TRINITY DIES.
NEO (cont.)
Or not.
NEO saves TRINITY and they ESCAPE.
AUDIENCE
Yay! Not entirely happy, but she’s alive!
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
The movie’s not over yet.
INT. THE HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP
NEO
Well, we’re all going to die unless a major plot development
occurs in the last movie. I will conveniently forget to
mention my part in our imminent demise.
MORPHEUS
I am so depressed.
AUDIENCE
Ending not so happy now.
THE MACHINES come to blow up THE HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP.
MORPHEUS
We are without resources. We are doomed.
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
Oops. Ending too depressing now.
NEO
Hey…something’s weird. I can feel the machines.
And destroy them. In the Real World.
AUDIENCE
…Okay, what the hell?
HE DOES SO, but goes into a COMA. ANOTHER SHIP picks up THE CREW.
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
That’s better.
ANOTHER SHIP’S CAPTAIN
Zion’s defenses have been smashed. It was horrible.
It may have been sabotaged.
TRINITY
But who would do that?
AGENT BANE ELROND #36
Dun dun DUN!
SOUNDTRACK OVER THE CREDITS
Don’t even THINK of talking to your neighbor.
AUDIENCE
Is that Dave Mathews?
(A/N: If I seemed nicer than I should be to Reeves…well, I recently made my peace with Much Ado About Nothing, so that may be it. Not to mention his dialogue was about five or six words per sentence, max, and that was a relief while everyone else was making soliloquies.)
(Author’s Note: The Matrix is not mine. Indeed, I may belong to it. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to sunlight. May impair your ability to operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to heed this warning is responsible for his or her own indignation. And, yes, I can spell Nebuchadnezzar.)
FADE IN:
INT. VAGUELY THREATENING OFFICE BUILDING
This is obviously a dream sequence.
TRINITY crashes a MOTORCYCLE into the building.
Yes. Definitely not real.
To illustrate this point, the scene FLASHES FORWARD to TRINITY fleeing an AGENT.
As this dream features Trinity in danger, it
is probably Neo’s dream.
TRINITY jumps out the window, with AGENT in pursuit.
To reiterate one more time: this isn’t really happening.
The AGENT, not five minutes into the movie, shoots TRINITY, who crashes to her DEATH.
Oh no! Trinity’s dead!
NEO wakes up.
Ohhhhhh…it was a dream!
REST OF THE AUDIENCE
Idiots.
NEO
I am concerned about things.
TRINITY
Things?
NEO
I can’t tell you. I’m angsty!
INT. THE HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP
You might be asking yourself, “Where’s Tank?”
AUDIENCE
Yeah, where is Tank?
LINK
Don’t know. Time lapse.
MORPHEUS
My presence shall not diminish, nor my faith fail.
LINK
Eh?
MORPHEUS
Sorry, thought I was in a movie that needed my
full range of acting ability.
LINK
No, no. We have special effects to distract the audience.
AUDIENCE
Better get to some of them.
INT. A DINGY WAREHOUSE
Let’s talk about people who aren’t here
and events the audience doesn’t know about.
GHOST
Buy the Animatrix!
MORPHEUS
I’m here! Now you can say the important things.
NIOBE
We’re all going to die in about 72 hours.
NEO
Hmmm…someone is knocking on the front door.
TRINITY
Neo, we are in the middle of a meeting. Where
are you…never mind. Just walk away.
MORPHEUS
I need someone to disobey orders because…
should I start my inspirational speech now?
NIOBE
Not yet.
MORPHEUS
Well, I just need someone to help me
establish a rivalry then.
INT. A DINGY WAREHOUSE – UPSTAIRS
NEO kicks AGENT ASS while AGENT ELRONDS (or is it AGENTS ELROND?) plot menacingly in the background.
Yes, everything is going according to plan…
AGENT ELROND #2
There’s a plan?
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
Special effects! Superman references!
Copy this, Hollywood!
NEO
Now, I know I came to this apartment for a reason…
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION
Well, we hope you enjoyed that quick
fight. It’ll have to last you.
MORPHEUS
Well, I’m off to be reprimanded. Hope you three manage to get some.
THE KID
Hey, I’m annoying!
AUDIENCE
The Kid? Did the Brothers W waste their
imagination budget on the flying sequence?
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – LINK’S
Huh, I wonder why Morpheus seemed to
think it would be difficult for me to get some.
KIDS
Potentially embarrassing situation!
ZEE
I am most ticked off with you.
LINK
But, why?
ZEE
Because of some things that have happened between the
first movie and this one which I will not fully explain, but
will allude to in order to give the audience the feeling
that they know what happened.
LINK
Man, at least Neo and Trinity are macking it.
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – NEO AND TRINITY’S
I wonder why Morpheus thought it would
be difficult for us to get some?
TRINITY
Don’t know. We have plenty of time, and no children to
create potentially embarrassing situations.
PEOPLE OF ZION
Hey, Neo.
TRINITY
Ah, yes. I forgot you were symbolic, Neo.
PEOPLE OF ZION
Neo, you are our savior. Your religious subtext says so.
NEO
Maybe I should stop dressing like a priest in the Matrix.
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – COMMAND CENTER, I GUESS
You disobey orders.
MORPHEUS
You are an unbeliever.
LOCK
You put others at risk.
MORPHEUS
You stole my girlfriend.
LOCK
Jerk.
MORPHEUS
Twit.
COUNCILOR HAMANN
All right. Knock it off. I am a believer,
so I agree with whatever Morpheus says.
MORPHEUS
So there.
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – DISCOTHEQUE/TEMPLE
*A la Master Thespian*
ACTING!
MORPHEUS
People of Zion! I am a Shakespearean actor!
PEOPLE OF ZION
Yay!
MORPHEUS
We will defeat the machines! We will have a rave! We will bore
the living daylights out of the audience!
A RAVE starts.
No, I don’t want a glow stick. Leave me alone!
TRINITY
Hey, Neo. Want to leave this debauchery
behind and have some symbolic sex?
NEO and TRINITY do IT.
Oddly, we can see more of the people dancing
than the people who are having sex.
The RAVE continues.
NEO and TRINITY continue to do IT.
*Yawns*
This goes on for QUITE A WHILE.
INT. THE MATRIX
The sound of BREAKING GLASS awakens AUDIENCE.
We must get this to Neo.
BANE
Buy Enter the Matrix!
SOME GUY (TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP HIS NAME) escapes to the REAL WORLD, but AGENT ELROND #21 shows up.
I stole some black oil from X-Files.
BANE gets turned into AGENT ELROND #36 and goes to the REAL WORLD: ZION.
Dun dun DUN!
INT. THE REAL WORLD: ZION – NEO AND TRINITY’S
I’m having trouble sleeping again.
COUNCILOR HAMANN
I might be able to help. I’ve got a load of
philosophical bull guaranteed to put you to sleep.
COUNCILOR HAMANN talks for a VERY LONG TIME.
What’s your point?
COUNCILOR HAMANN
I have no point.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, we got that.
INT. REAL WORLD: ZION – STILL
Are we ever going to get on with it?
SOME GUY (TOO LAZY TO LOOK UP HIS NAME)
I come bearing a plot development!
The CREW of the HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP gets ready to see the ORACLE and entertain the AUDIENCE with SPECIAL EFFECTS.
Ha ha! Now’s my chance to kill Neo!
AGENT BANE ELROND #36 sneaks up on NEO.
Hey! I’m annoying!
AGENT BANE ELROND #36
Damn, thwarted.
AUDIENCE
You were about to kill Neo in front of three fully grown
adults who are very protective of his continued existence.
How were you deterred by the presence of the annoying Kid?
EXT. THE MATRIX – FINALLY
Hello. I am a perfectly superfluous character.
NEO
Er…where’s the Oracle?
SERAPH
She’s just over…Waahh!
A FIGHT breaks out of NOWHERE.
NEO and SERAPH fight for a while, but never really touch each other.
All right. You’re the One. You don’t
really know someone until you fight them.
NEO
I am really sorry for your girlfriends.
ORACLE
Hello, Neo. Are you ready to receive your
mission objectives and further the plot?
NEO
I really don’t have a choice, do I? I mean, you’re a machine.
I’m probably getting seriously screwed here.
ORACLE
Yeah, but that doesn’t make me any less of a likeable
character. Go get the Key Maker from the Merovingian.
NEO
Okay. Bye.
AGENT ELROND #96
Mr. Anderson…do you have a stopwatch?
I want to see how slow I can talk.
CROWS
Scatter! Evil character coming!
AGENT ELROND #96
Notice how verbose everyone is in this movie?
Well, I’m no different.
NEO
Elrond, the audience just spent the last forty minutes watching
political wrangling. I think they want a fight now.
AUDIENCE
And a real one. None of this bitch slapping with Seraph.
AGENT ELROND #96
Well, let me just summon up some friends.
AGENTS ELROND #135-149 appear.
Oh…my.
AGENT ELROND #96
Hope you don’t mind if I stick my hand in your chest.
NEO
Um, yeah. Actually, I do.
AGENT ELROND #96
Well, we’ll just have to fight then.
NEO and AGENTS ELROND fight A LA MATRIX. Which makes sense. It’s all very COOL, with STUNT MEN supported by SPECIAL EFFECTS.
Thank. You. So. Much.
OTHER AGENT
The hell is going on here?
AGENT ELROND #176
Nothing…just you getting your ass assimilated.
AGENT ELROND #204
All right, time to make this weirder.
DOZENS OF MORE AGENTS ELROND show up.
Oh…hell.
NEO plays stickball with the AGENTS. Literally with.
SPECIAL EFFECTS are now supported by STUNT MEN.
I still can’t win. Time to make this absolutely ludicrous.
HUNDREDS OF AGENTS ELROND show up.
Oh…shit.
SOMETHING THAT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE NEO BUT NOT QUITE fights with THINGS THAT ARE NEARLY AGENTS ELROND.
We are so awesome! COPY THIS, HOLLYWOOD!
TWENTY MINUTES LATER:
Um…okay. This is getting as long as the speeches.
AGENTS ELROND
Pig pile on the One!
NEO
This has got to end.
NEO flies away.
Why didn’t you do that ten minutes ago?!
AGENT ELROND #500
Well, take five everyone.
INT. REAL WORLD: ZION – COUNCIL MEETING
We need people to go after Morpheus.
LOCK
Grrrr….
SOREN
I’ll go die.
NIOBE
I’ll go too.
LOCK
But…but…
NIOBE
Some things never change. And some things do.
AUDIENCE
Is that supposed to be deep?
INT. CHEZ MERO
I’m French. I drink wine. I womanize. I swear.
I’m evil. Have I mentioned I’m French?
THE MEROVINGIAN swears in FRENCH for about 10 MINUTES.
So, would you like something to eat?
NEO
I know better than to eat anything offered to
me in the Underworld.
PERSEPHONE
Especially the pomegranates.
THE MEROVINGIAN
Well, then. I’ll just talk about causality until
the audience has fallen asleep.
THE TWINS
Yeah, Boss. You the Man.
BLONDE IN PINK DRESS
Hey, how come I’m the only guest not wearing black?
THE MEROVINGIAN
Because you’re symbolic. Now hush up while I use you to demonstrate
what I’ve been rambling about and piss off my wife.
MORPHEUS
So…can we have the Key Maker?
THE MEROVINGIAN
No, my one-dimensional evilness prevents me from helping you.
Now go away before I taunt you for a second time.
PERSEPHONE
My husband’s perfidy irritates me. I will help you…
MORPHEUS
Yes!
PERSEPHONE
…if Neo kisses me.
TRINITY
Hell no.
NEO
Can I ask why?
PERSEPHONE
Because you have big doe eyes, high cheek bones, and
in close-ups, you often look more feminine than Trinity.
TRINITY
Do not touch my bitch.
NEO kisses PERSEPHONE.
Oh please. Put some effort into it.
NEO does the REVERSE SUPERMAN, i.e., he takes OFF his GLASSES to become his ALTER EGO.
NEO kisses PERSEPHONE passionately.
There, I think that pissed off Trinity enough.
NEO
Could you not lean into me, please?
PERSEPHONE leads them to a DOOR. NEO opens it and discovers…RICK MORANIS. Oh, wait, no. It’s the KEY MAKER, not MASTER.
I’m the most interesting character in this movie!
THE MEROVINGIAN
Persephone! Why do you betray me?
PERSEPHONE
Because you sleep with other women.
AUDIENCE
You have no right to be upset over infidelity when you
make a deal involving kissing a man in front of the woman
who loves him. Well, maybe you do. But still!
KEY MAKER runs off. TRINITY and MORPHEUS follow.
Now, should I have my talented Twins kill the One, or
should I use my Dispensable Henchmen? I’ll send my more
useful minions after the Key Maker, and hope for the best.
NEO kicks DISPENSABLE HENCHMEN butt.
Hmm…guess I’ll just slam this door in Neo’s face.
INT. A PARKING GARAGE, POSSIBLY A DAVID FINCHER MOVIE
TRINITY, MORPHEUS and THE TWINS chase the KEY MAKER.
Why are they having so much trouble catching the Key
Maker? Is the little Asian guy too fast for them?
KEY MAKER
Not only am I interesting, but I’m useful too!
TWINS
We are just way too cool for words.
TRINITY and MORPHEUS manage to get away with the KEY MAKER, but the TWINS follow after stalling NEO.
Next person to slam a door in my face gets it!
Now I have to take special effects to the action.
AGENTS join the chase.
Take the Key Maker on the freeway.
A BLUES BROTHERS movie starts.
Let’s split up. That’s always a good plan.
The TWINS charge MORPHEUS in their SUV.
Toro! Toro!
The SUV ROLLS OVER. And…BOOM!
Hmm…maybe I should buy a smaller car. Nah.
TWINS are removed from the scene, much to the dismay of FANGIRLS EVERYWHERE.
TRINITY hands off the KEY MAKER to MORPHEUS and escapes.
Unfortunately, we’re still here.
NIOBE
Yes, but we’ve shown up to lend a hand.
MORPHEUS
My ex-girlfriend has abandoned the Jerk and come for me!
AGENT
Focus, Morpheus!
MORPHEUS beats the daylights out of an AGENT, but forgets that they tend to travel in PACKS.
I could really use a deus ex machina right now.
NEO
You called?
LINK
Touchdown!
INT. SECRET HIDEOUT
A series of things must be done with precise
timing to get Neo into The Source.
NIOBE
I will help.
SOREN
I will die.
MORPHEUS
I will talk for obscene amounts of time.
AUDIENCE
Did you turn into Hamlet or something? Stop talking!
INT. THE HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP
Trinity, I need you to not go into the Matrix
so something terrible will not happen.
TRINITY
You realize that any attempt to impede this event
will merely cause it to come to pass?
NEO
Of course. But where would we be without a
little dramatic irony?
TRINITY
Can you at least tell me what the terrible thing is now?
NEO
No. Giving you too much information may cause you
to be prepared when you are forced to enter the Matrix.
INT. VAGUELY THREATENING OFFICE BUILDING
NIOBE and CREW blow shit up.
SOREN and CREW die.
Oh no! Neo will be killed if I don’t go into the
Matrix and fix things. Fate is trying to screw us over.
TRINITY enters the MATRIX and goes back to the BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE to blow shit up.
NEO, MORPHEUS, and KEY MAKER get into a HALLWAY.
I’m back! With a few dozen of my friends!
NEO
Argh! Not again!
SEVERAL AGENTS ELROND stick their hands in MORPHEUS to assimilate him.
Maybe we should have tried this on Neo instead
of standing around while #96 tried.
AGENT ELROND #791
No, that would have made too much sense.
NEO saves MORPHEUS while the KEY MAKER sneaks away and is CLEVER.
I’m interesting, useful and intelligent!
Unfortunately, the KEY MAKER gets shot.
No! The only good character!
NEO
But, now I can get into the Source, and
Morpheus can get out. This has gone
surprisingly well. I’m glad Trinity is safe.
CUT TO:
TRINITY gets beat up by an AGENT.
INT. THE SOURCE
NEOES IN SCREENS talk and are ANNOYING.
I am the Architect. I am perfect. You are not. So there.
NEO
You look just enough like the KFC Colonel
to be disconcerting.
THE ARCHITECT
Humans are imperfect, therefore the Matrix failed the
first time around. Now it is designed around your imperfection.
AUDIENCE
Hitler. The A-bomb. Bush. Are we attempting to be topical here?
THE ARCHITECT
You cannot save Zion. You are a ruse. This is the sixth Matrix.
NEOES IN SCREENS talk and are ANNOYING.
Everyone shut up while I talk to the Architect!
THE ARCHITECT
You can either continue Zion by going through
that door, or save Trinity by going through that door.
Though, that will kill everyone in the end.
NEO
Shit.
THE ARCHITECT
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. Blah.
AUDIENCE
Architect so boring…must pay attention…to understand plot.
NEO decides to SAVE TRINITY, screw EVERYONE ELSE.
I knew you would do that. Popcorn Chicken?
NEO flies like mad, and CATCHES TRINITY.
My dream has not come to pass! I have
successfully thwarted Fate!
TRINITY DIES.
Or not.
NEO saves TRINITY and they ESCAPE.
Yay! Not entirely happy, but she’s alive!
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
The movie’s not over yet.
INT. THE HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP
Well, we’re all going to die unless a major plot development
occurs in the last movie. I will conveniently forget to
mention my part in our imminent demise.
MORPHEUS
I am so depressed.
AUDIENCE
Ending not so happy now.
THE MACHINES come to blow up THE HOLY-CROW-HOW-DO-YOU-SPELL-IT SHIP.
We are without resources. We are doomed.
THE BROTHERS WACHOWSKI
Oops. Ending too depressing now.
NEO
Hey…something’s weird. I can feel the machines.
And destroy them. In the Real World.
AUDIENCE
…Okay, what the hell?
HE DOES SO, but goes into a COMA. ANOTHER SHIP picks up THE CREW.
That’s better.
ANOTHER SHIP’S CAPTAIN
Zion’s defenses have been smashed. It was horrible.
It may have been sabotaged.
TRINITY
But who would do that?
AGENT BANE ELROND #36
Dun dun DUN!
SOUNDTRACK OVER THE CREDITS
Don’t even THINK of talking to your neighbor.
AUDIENCE
Is that Dave Mathews?
(A/N: If I seemed nicer than I should be to Reeves…well, I recently made my peace with Much Ado About Nothing, so that may be it. Not to mention his dialogue was about five or six words per sentence, max, and that was a relief while everyone else was making soliloquies.)
