Fanfiction: Once Upon a Freakin' Time
Nov. 21st, 2005 11:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evadne_noelI think there may be something wrong with me. I have not yet seen Harry Potter, and I am in no hurry to do so. For some reason, I can't work up any major interest in it. I'd rather see the Narnia movie. So, in an effort to get up my interest, I wrote this.
Lord Voldemort Does Not Understand the Black Family
Narcissa Malfoy was not pleased to be in the Dark Lord’s presence. Despite her husband’s constant claims that Lord Voldemort was “really a great guy once you got to know him,” Narcissa was still not entirely comfortable around the, uh, man who had very nearly sent her son to his death. Still, one did not refuse an invitation to the Master’s manor house if one wanted to continue possessing all non-essential limbs. Especially while Bellatrix was preening under his attentions. So, Narcissa clutched her husband’s arm, avoided Severus Snape’s smirk and tried to pay attention to what the Dark Lord was telling Bellatrix.
“I wanted to run this by you and Narcissa first,” Lord Voldemort was saying. “This concerns the two of you most of all.”
“My Lord,” spoke Narcissa, trying her best to be polite, “I am honored that you have called me into your presence and find my opinion worthy enough to take into consideration.” Because she was really there so Voldemort could listen to her opinion. Riiiiight.
“Yes, yes,” said Voldemort dismissively, eager to get on to the meat of the matter, “as you all know, I have recently taken on a new apprentice.” This was a nice way of saying that he had locked young Harry Potter in a tower and was forcibly teaching him the Black Arts after the unfortunate boy had rolled several sixes in a row during a death match game of Risk, thus giving him command of all of East Asia and Europe. “It has come to my attention that he does not have an appropriate name for a future ruler of the world. Both his sur- and forenames are rather…common. I have decided to rectify this by changing his name entirely. Now, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that young men are entirely incapable of choosing intelligent new names for themselves. For example, Mr. Half-Blood Prince here.”
“Excuse me?” said Snape. “As if you have any right—”
Voldemort went on as if Snape hadn’t said anything. “This is where the two of you come in. If you have no objection, I would like for him to become a Black.”
Bellatrix went from pleasure at being consulted to fuming silently at this sudden and unwelcome addition to her family tree. However, she quickly recognized that she really didn’t have a say in this at all. Narcissa, on the other hand, looked as if she was seriously considering the matter. “Hmm,” she said, “it would secure the Black family name now that the blood-traitor is dead.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time the Blacks stole a child to keep the direct line going,” agreed Lucius, who knew what tact was, but considered it something people should show him and not vice versa. Bellatrix balked internally at the gall of sisters and brothers-in-law, and bit her tongue.
“I figured,” said Lord Voldemort, “that since he is Sirius Black’s heir, he should become a Black nominally. He’s already got the house, the fortune and the attitude. All he needs is the evil.”
“And a star name,” added Bellatrix, deciding that if this thing had to be done, it might as well be done right.
“What?” asked Lord Voldemort.
“Surely, my Lord, you have noticed that the Black family favors names taken from the glorious firmament arching over all who crawl upon the lowly ground? Except, of course, for Narcissa here for reasons not entirely explicable.”
“Uh-huh,” said Voldemort. “Well, what do you suggest?”
“Mimosa,” said Bellatrix in a tone that suggested a question, but was really more of a statement.
“Look,” said Voldemort, “I said you could give him a star name. I didn’t say you could give him a stupid name.”
“My great-great-great uncle Mimosa Black would be greatly offended by your disparagement of his noble name!” cried Bellatrix, wounded to her very soul.
“Darling,” said Narcissa. “Mimosa was our great-great aunt twice removed.”
“Oh,” said Bellatrix. “Well, that won’t do then. Still, she would be offended.”
“I’ll be sure to add her to the list of people I need to apologize to when Hell freezes over,” replied Voldemort.
“Rukbat?” asked Narcissa.
“That’s a star?” interjected a doubtful Snape.
“It’s in Sagittarius,” said Lucius.
“How did you know that?” asked Snape with great surprise and no little defensiveness.
“Just because you got a ‘Dreadful’ in Astronomy doesn’t mean we all did,” replied Lucius with a little toss of his hair.
“No,” said Voldemort. “I’m not teaching anyone named Rukbat anything.”
“Atlas?” suggested Narcissa. “One of the classics.”
“Too symbolic of his current status as savior-of-the-wizarding-world,” said Voldemort. “No use tempting Fate.”
“Merak,” said Bellatrix with increasing annoyance at Voldemort’s continued dismissal of time-honored Black family forenames.
“Too—" started Voldemort, “Actually, I could live with that one. Merak Black.”
“Finally,” hissed Bellatrix, sotto voce.
“Utilizes assonance,” said Snape, who just had to bring the whole room down now that Voldemort was actually considering a name.
“Won’t be the worst thing a wizard’s name has ever done,” replied Voldemort.
“So what constellation is Merak in, oh great wise astronomer?” said Snape to Lucius.
“The Plough,” replied Lucius, who had an expression on his face that indicated that he would be sticking his tongue out at Snape if Voldemort hadn’t been in the immediate vicinity.
“Yes,” mused Voldemort to himself, “that’s a fine name for a conqueror. I’ll go draw up the necessary paperwork to make that official. Snape, go get the boy so I can congratulate him on his new noble heritage. And make sure he can’t bite anyone.”
Bellatrix sighed as Voldemort swept from the room. Snape walked over to her, saying, “Bellatrix, if it is any consolation, I can assure you that the Boy-Formerly-Known-As-Potter is going to thoroughly hate this. That thought alone will get me through many a frustrating imposition.”
“I don’t really care one way or another,” said Bellatrix, who, if she couldn’t change anything, was just going to pretend that she was above all this nonsense.
“Well, I care,” said Narcissa. “This means I’m going to have to plan a coming-out party.”
“Oh, but won’t that be fun?” asked Lucius.
“Perhaps,” his wife replied, “but what kind of decorations does one get when one’s guest of honor will probably be arriving in chains!”
(Author’s Notes: I am beginning to think that I should have an entirely separate title for stories with Harry in them. They’re not quite Death Eater stories. What do you think? Should I call Harry-Voldemort (not Harry/Voldemort, mind you; I’m not qualified to write that) stories something different?)
(Author’s Note II: Also, about Snape’s Astronomy grade: I figure everyone has at least one weak subject, including Snape. I decided his would be Astronomy and possibly Ancient Runes.)
Lord Voldemort Does Not Understand the Black Family
Narcissa Malfoy was not pleased to be in the Dark Lord’s presence. Despite her husband’s constant claims that Lord Voldemort was “really a great guy once you got to know him,” Narcissa was still not entirely comfortable around the, uh, man who had very nearly sent her son to his death. Still, one did not refuse an invitation to the Master’s manor house if one wanted to continue possessing all non-essential limbs. Especially while Bellatrix was preening under his attentions. So, Narcissa clutched her husband’s arm, avoided Severus Snape’s smirk and tried to pay attention to what the Dark Lord was telling Bellatrix.
“I wanted to run this by you and Narcissa first,” Lord Voldemort was saying. “This concerns the two of you most of all.”
“My Lord,” spoke Narcissa, trying her best to be polite, “I am honored that you have called me into your presence and find my opinion worthy enough to take into consideration.” Because she was really there so Voldemort could listen to her opinion. Riiiiight.
“Yes, yes,” said Voldemort dismissively, eager to get on to the meat of the matter, “as you all know, I have recently taken on a new apprentice.” This was a nice way of saying that he had locked young Harry Potter in a tower and was forcibly teaching him the Black Arts after the unfortunate boy had rolled several sixes in a row during a death match game of Risk, thus giving him command of all of East Asia and Europe. “It has come to my attention that he does not have an appropriate name for a future ruler of the world. Both his sur- and forenames are rather…common. I have decided to rectify this by changing his name entirely. Now, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that young men are entirely incapable of choosing intelligent new names for themselves. For example, Mr. Half-Blood Prince here.”
“Excuse me?” said Snape. “As if you have any right—”
Voldemort went on as if Snape hadn’t said anything. “This is where the two of you come in. If you have no objection, I would like for him to become a Black.”
Bellatrix went from pleasure at being consulted to fuming silently at this sudden and unwelcome addition to her family tree. However, she quickly recognized that she really didn’t have a say in this at all. Narcissa, on the other hand, looked as if she was seriously considering the matter. “Hmm,” she said, “it would secure the Black family name now that the blood-traitor is dead.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time the Blacks stole a child to keep the direct line going,” agreed Lucius, who knew what tact was, but considered it something people should show him and not vice versa. Bellatrix balked internally at the gall of sisters and brothers-in-law, and bit her tongue.
“I figured,” said Lord Voldemort, “that since he is Sirius Black’s heir, he should become a Black nominally. He’s already got the house, the fortune and the attitude. All he needs is the evil.”
“And a star name,” added Bellatrix, deciding that if this thing had to be done, it might as well be done right.
“What?” asked Lord Voldemort.
“Surely, my Lord, you have noticed that the Black family favors names taken from the glorious firmament arching over all who crawl upon the lowly ground? Except, of course, for Narcissa here for reasons not entirely explicable.”
“Uh-huh,” said Voldemort. “Well, what do you suggest?”
“Mimosa,” said Bellatrix in a tone that suggested a question, but was really more of a statement.
“Look,” said Voldemort, “I said you could give him a star name. I didn’t say you could give him a stupid name.”
“My great-great-great uncle Mimosa Black would be greatly offended by your disparagement of his noble name!” cried Bellatrix, wounded to her very soul.
“Darling,” said Narcissa. “Mimosa was our great-great aunt twice removed.”
“Oh,” said Bellatrix. “Well, that won’t do then. Still, she would be offended.”
“I’ll be sure to add her to the list of people I need to apologize to when Hell freezes over,” replied Voldemort.
“Rukbat?” asked Narcissa.
“That’s a star?” interjected a doubtful Snape.
“It’s in Sagittarius,” said Lucius.
“How did you know that?” asked Snape with great surprise and no little defensiveness.
“Just because you got a ‘Dreadful’ in Astronomy doesn’t mean we all did,” replied Lucius with a little toss of his hair.
“No,” said Voldemort. “I’m not teaching anyone named Rukbat anything.”
“Atlas?” suggested Narcissa. “One of the classics.”
“Too symbolic of his current status as savior-of-the-wizarding-world,” said Voldemort. “No use tempting Fate.”
“Merak,” said Bellatrix with increasing annoyance at Voldemort’s continued dismissal of time-honored Black family forenames.
“Too—" started Voldemort, “Actually, I could live with that one. Merak Black.”
“Finally,” hissed Bellatrix, sotto voce.
“Utilizes assonance,” said Snape, who just had to bring the whole room down now that Voldemort was actually considering a name.
“Won’t be the worst thing a wizard’s name has ever done,” replied Voldemort.
“So what constellation is Merak in, oh great wise astronomer?” said Snape to Lucius.
“The Plough,” replied Lucius, who had an expression on his face that indicated that he would be sticking his tongue out at Snape if Voldemort hadn’t been in the immediate vicinity.
“Yes,” mused Voldemort to himself, “that’s a fine name for a conqueror. I’ll go draw up the necessary paperwork to make that official. Snape, go get the boy so I can congratulate him on his new noble heritage. And make sure he can’t bite anyone.”
Bellatrix sighed as Voldemort swept from the room. Snape walked over to her, saying, “Bellatrix, if it is any consolation, I can assure you that the Boy-Formerly-Known-As-Potter is going to thoroughly hate this. That thought alone will get me through many a frustrating imposition.”
“I don’t really care one way or another,” said Bellatrix, who, if she couldn’t change anything, was just going to pretend that she was above all this nonsense.
“Well, I care,” said Narcissa. “This means I’m going to have to plan a coming-out party.”
“Oh, but won’t that be fun?” asked Lucius.
“Perhaps,” his wife replied, “but what kind of decorations does one get when one’s guest of honor will probably be arriving in chains!”
(Author’s Notes: I am beginning to think that I should have an entirely separate title for stories with Harry in them. They’re not quite Death Eater stories. What do you think? Should I call Harry-Voldemort (not Harry/Voldemort, mind you; I’m not qualified to write that) stories something different?)
(Author’s Note II: Also, about Snape’s Astronomy grade: I figure everyone has at least one weak subject, including Snape. I decided his would be Astronomy and possibly Ancient Runes.)
