Sin City: Breadbox Edition
Apr. 8th, 2005 06:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evadne_noelI really have no idea how this happened.
Also, this Breadbox Edition has a rating of "PG-14". There are descriptions of violence (though mostly flippant ones) and a large number of swear words. If those things offend you, don't read it. This is based on a movie with a hard "R" rating, after all.
(Author's Note: Sin City does not belong to me. It in all it's bloody, horrific glory mostly belongs to Frank Miller.)
SIN CITY: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. BASIN CITY, USA – WHERE THE STREETS RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS WHO SHALL NEVER AGAIN SEE THE PALE LIGHT OF A FADING DAY
JOSH HARTNETT
I have no purpose whatsoever.
AUDIENCE
We don’t care. This looks awesome!
JOSH HARTNETT kills the ONLY WOMAN in the movie who is fully clothed because FRANK MILLER has ISSUES.
EXT. THE DOCKS – KNOWN TO BE THE MOST DANGEROUS PART OF ANY CITY BECAUSE BAD GUYS ALWAYS CONGREGATE BY WATER
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O)
Little Girl. Eleven. Gotta save her, old man, because
you are The Last Good Cop ™.
BRUCE’S PARTNER
You think I’m Robert Pastorelli, but I’m not.
BRUCE WILLIS
I’m going to save this little girl from Nick Stahl, the sadistic
son of a senator, tarnished golden boy of the ruling family
that holds this town a thrall of everlasting fear and darkness.
BRUCE’S PARTNER
Yeah, that’s only going to get you killed.
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
Everyone but you is on the take, old man. Better punch out this guy.
HE DOES, and attempts to get to NICK STAHL before he does horrible, horrible things to the LITTLE GIRL.
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
Oh, no! My heart! It thumps away in my chest like a horny
couple against a cheap motel wall!
THUG #1
I’m funny because I’m huge and I like cars.
THUG #2
I’m funny because I’m loquacious. You see, I like to talk for long
periods of time, which might be funnier if it weren’t for the fact
that everyone in this movie discourses in verbose graphic novel-esque
dialogue filled with superfluous description.
BRUCE WILLIS knocks them both out so they can COME BACK and be funny LATER.
NICK STAHL
It doesn’t matter if you found me before I did terrible things
to this child, because you can’t stop me, copper! I’m untouchable!
I can do whatever I want to whomever I want whenever I want!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BRUCE WILLIS shoots off his HAND. And his DICK. And gives him several other HOLES.
BRUCE’S PARTNER
You idiot. Now I have to shoot you. Have one more
monologue before you pass out.
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
You’re going to die, old man. But it won’t matter because
you saved this little girl from dying at this very moment. Too bad the
vindictive bastard will probably have her killed in the future, and
even if he doesn’t, she’ll probably end up dead some other way because
this is Basin City, land of thwarted opportunity.
INT. A CRUMMY MOTEL ROOM – THE NEON LIGHT SPATTERING THROUGH THE BLINDS LIKE BLOOD ON THE WALL IS THE PERFECT ACCOMPANIMENT TO A DOOMED TRIST
DIRECTOR ROBERT RODRIGUEZ
Forget what you just saw. Now it’s time for a different story.
MICKEY ROURKE
Someone has killed the only person who has ever shown me
human kindness at all. Which is probably because I’m ugly,
crazy, and a murderer who like to torture people…but don’t
worry. I’m still sympathetic…okay, likeable, anyway.
In a FLASHBACK that no one could possibly have as all the characters were either UNCONSCIOUS or THE KILLER, FRODO comes in and kills JAMIE KING.
THE POLICE
Open up! We’re crooked and we’re going to fry you for
something you didn’t do!
MICKEY ROURKE
Time for me to go rock this movie and kill the guy
who murdered Jamie King.
COPS are no match for MICKEY ROURKE and his SUPERHUMAN VINDICTIVENESS.
INT. A SHABBY APARTMENT, HOME OF A WOMAN MAKING HER WAY IN A WORLD OF SHADES OF GREY
CARLA GUGINO
Hello, have some pointless nudity.
MICKEY ROURKE
Nearly everything in this movie is pointless. It’s all style, baby.
CARLA GUGINO
I’m your parole officer, Mickey. I’m actually not that bad
of a person, though I’ll probably die anyway. I’m also a
lesbian, which adds nothing to my character, but may
titillate the male audience.
MICKEY ROURKE
Carla, I’m going to find out who killed Jamie King by
being vicious to many, many people…
AUDIENCE
Uh…
MICKEY ROURKE (cont.)
But don’t worry, these people deserve it.
AUDIENCE
Oh, okay.
CARLA GUGINO
Remember to stop at the bar first, so there is continuity later.
INT. AN UNDERWORLD BAR WHERE THE DENEZINS OF THE UNDERWORLD COME TO DRINK AWAY THE UNRELENTING HORROR OF THEIR SEAMY LIVES
MICKEY ROURKE sees JESSICA ALBA, who is the grown up version of the LITTLE GIRL, and BRITTNAY MURPHY, who will be of LITTLE IMPORTANCE later.
MICKEY ROURKE
Now to do atrocious, yet justifiable things, to five people,
including Frank Miller. While cracking wise, no less.
JAMIE KING runs him DOWN.
MICKEY ROURKE
Huh. Well, that was weird. Anyway, more torture to inflict.
MICKEY ROURKE thinks RUTGER HAUER is involved, but wants to make ABSOLUTELY SURE before torturing him for hours on end.
MICKEY ROURKE (cont.)
I’m not completely amoral, you know.
EVENTUALLY, we get to THE FARM
EXT. THE FARM WHERE PREVIOUS SPILT BLOOD STILL GLEAMS DULLY ON ONCE FRUITFUL LANDS
MICKEY ROURKE
I found human bones. The person who killed Jamie King is here.
FRODO kicks MICKEY ROURKE’S ass while being the CREEPIEST SHIT EVER.
AUDIENCE
That kung fu would have been useful in Mordor, eh?
INT. THE TROPHY ROOM OF AN UNIMAGINABLE HORROR LURKING JUST BELOW THE SEEMINGLY STILL SURFACE OF THE WORLD
CLARA GIGINO
I’ve been kidnapped by the person who killed Jamie King!
And I’m naked again!
AUDIENCE
Wait, why would Frodo there kidnap Clara? She really doesn’t
have anything to do with this, she has a lover who’ll probably
ask questions, and she’s a cop. No matter who was bribed, they’d
start caring if their own started dying. She’s more trouble than…
CLARA GIGINO
I distract you with the stub of my hand that Frodo has eaten!
AUDIENCE
Oh, gross!
MICKEY ROURKE
This guy is sick. Let’s get out of here.
MICKEY ROURKE’S SUPERHUMAN VINDICTIVENESS breaks them out of their cell.
COPS
We’re crooked, and we’re going to fry you for something you didn’t do!
CARLA GIGINO
I think I can talk to them.
COPS kill CARLA GIGINO.
AUDIENCE
Well, she was pointless.
MICKEY ROURKE
Really, you’re expecting too much from this.
And now for more gratuitous deaths!
MICKEY ROURKE kills COPS.
EXT. BASIN CITY – WHERE EVEN THE GOOD GO BAD AFTER A DAY, SEEING NO OTHER WAY TO SURVIVE
MICKEY ROURKE gets beat up by ROSARIO DAWSON and JAMIE KING.
JAMIE KING
Actually, I’m the twin sister, Jamie King II.
ROSARIO DAWSON
I’m just here so the next segment doesn’t seem so random.
MICKEY ROURKE
I didn’t kill Jamie King. Frodo and Rutger Hauer did.
JAMIE KING II
Oh, I’m sorry. Kill them for Jamie King. And take me
to Jessica Alba so she doesn’t seem random later.
EXT. BACK TO THE FARM – WHERE EVEN THE WHOLESOME COUNTRYSIDE IS SUBVERTED BY EVIL FOR PURPOSES OF…EVIL
MICKEY ROURKE draws out FRODO and…God, I don’t even want to think about it. SUFFICE TO SAY, FRODO dies. And it’s GROSS.
EXT. THE CHURCH, FOR EVEN THE CLERGY ARE NOT IMMUNE TO THE PERVASIVE STENCH OF CORRUPTION THAT SEEPS INTO THE CRACKS OF THE CITY
RUTGER HAUER
You’ve killed poor, dear Frodo. We used to eat people
together, he and I. It filled us with the light of God.
MICKEY ROURKE
You’re just making it easy for the Audience to accept your
inevitable, and most likely gory, death.
RUTGER HAUER
I’ll make it even easier. Jamie King never loved you. She was
just looking for protection from Frodo. And when you kill me, my
brother, who is also Nick Stahl’s brother, will have you put to death.
RUTGER HAUER dies in a TERRIBLE, OFF-SCREEN way.
COPS
We’re crooked, and we’re going to fry you for something
that you’ve actually done this time!
MICKEY ROURKE
Now that Jamie King is dead, no one loves me.
JAMIE KING II
I love you. In fact, I’m really the only person who has ever
really loved you. But I’ll let you pretend I’m Jamie King.
MICKEY ROURKE is ELECTROCUTED while SASSING the GUARDS.
DIRECTOR ROBERT RODRIGUEZ
End part one. Now for another, vaguely related, vignette.
INT. ANOTHER APARTMENT INHABITED BY A WOMAN MAKING A LIFE ANYWAY SHE CAN WITH WHOMEVER SHE CAN
BRITTANY MURPHY
I told you I was of little importance.
BENICIO DEL TORO
I’m an asshole!
BRITTANY MURPHY and BENICIO DEL TORO have some NEARLY NATURAL DIALOGUE.
CLIVE OWEN
Hello, I’m the star of this segment, though sometimes
it will be very difficult to tell.
CLIVE OWEN pushes BENICIO DEL TORO around for being a dick to BRITTANY MURPHY.
BENICIO DEL TORO
Despite being a complete jerk with a posse of at least four
other people who would be perfectly willing to beat
you up, I am very cowed by you, Clive Owen. Let me
run away like a beaten dog, with my tail between my legs.
CLIVE OWEN
Hmm, he’s up to no good. I’ll follow him and make sure
he doesn’t do something stupid. Let me jump out the window
instead of taking the stairs so I can be cool and dramatic.
BRITTANY MURPHY yells something CLIVE OWEN can’t hear because otherwise this segment would be OVER BEFORE IT STARTED.
EXT. OLD TOWN – WHERE THE WOMEN RULE THE NIGHT WITH AN IRON FIST, FOR REMEBRANCES OF PAST HORRORS ARE ALWAYS FRESH AFTER DARK
BENICIO DEL TORO finds ALEXIS BLEDEL
BENICIO DEL TORO
Hey, baby. Didn’t I see you on TV last night?
ALEXIS BLEDEL
My awkward sounding accent and I have no idea
what you’re talking about.
CLIVE OWEN shows up to bother ROSARIO DAWSON.
CLIVE OWEN
Benicio is a complete jagoff.
ROSARIO DAWSON
Don’t worry about it. Deadly Little Devon Aoki will take care of it.
While she’s doing that, do you want establish a past history?
CLIVE OWEN
Might as well. Not even I can figure out my backstory.
BENICIO DEL TORO
Hey, I’m a damn good actor, and I deserve to be treated
better than this stupid Latin loser stereotype.
ALEXIS BLEDEL
Oh, honey, demanding respect is the stupidest thing
you could do in this movie.
DEADLY LITTLE DEVON AOKI kills BENICIO DEL TORO and his ENTIRE POSSE in the most DISGUSTING, YET AMUSING, way possible.
ROSARIO DAWSON
Uh, whoops. Turns out Benicio was actually the one
cop keeping Old Town and the prostitutes safe from invasion.
CLIVE OWEN
Well, we’ll just have to get rid of the body before the bad guys
find out. But first, let’s stop to establish a running joke.
ALEXIS BLEDEL puts on a pin that says, “I’M GOING TO BETRAY YOU. ASK ME HOW.”
EXT. A WINDING ROAD LEADING NOWHERE, LEAVING NOWHERE. A METAPHOR FOR THE LIVES OF THOSE IN BASIN CITY.
BENICIO DEL TORO
Amazingly, I’m a better character when dead.
CLIVE OWEN
Oh, god. The dead body is talking to me. I thought
Mickey Rourke was the one who needed anti-psychotics.
BENICIO DEL TORO
So, do you want to play a travel game? I have Car Bingo.
BOOM! IRISH MERCENARIES!
INT. A PROSTITUTES DEN, RIPE WITH THE STENCH OF…OH SCREW THIS.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
I have no idea who I am or whom I represent.
ROSARIO DAWSON
…the hell?
ALEXIS BLEDEL
But I betrayed you to him.
ROSARIO DAWSON
How far in advance did you have this set up?
Were you waiting for us to kill Benicio or what?
ALEXIS BLEDEL
I have a mother to protect!
EXT. TAR PITS – SERIOUSLY, NO MORE STUPID DESCRIPTIONS
CLIVE OWEN kills a bunch of IRISH MERCENARIES, including UNCREDITED BILLY BOYD.
DIRECTOR ROBERT RODRIGUEZ
Sin City: 2. Lord of the Rings: 0.
CLIVE OWEN
Unfortunately, I still end up in the tar pit. Oh, sweet death.
BENICIO DEL TORO
Help! Help! They’re stealing my head!
But DEADLY LITTLE DEVON AOKI saves the day.
RANDOM PROSTITUTE
We have to save Rosario Dawson from…someone.
EXT. OLD TOWN
CLIVE OWEN
I’ll trade Benicio’s head for Rosario. Then you can tell
whoever it is you work for that he’s dead.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Excellent! Soon everyone will be dead or a slave!
BENICIO DEL TORO
I may be just a head, but I’m still hilarious.
ALEXIS BLEDEL
This is a trap, isn’t it?
CLIVE OWEN
Duh!
BENICIO’S HEAD explodes! PROSTITUTES kill everyone!
CLIVE OWEN
I guess a group of scantily clad women mowing down
people trapped in an alleyway is what makes me happy.
AUDIENCE
Of course it does. It’s a male wet dream.
CLIVE OWEN
And no one else will ever figure out Benicio is dead. Ever.
ROSARIO DAWSON
…Wait a minute.
INT. A HOSPITAL
BRUCE WILLIS
Hmmm…I’m still alive. Guess this makes me the third segment.
POWERS BOOTHE
As Nick Stahl’s father, I’m going to make your life a living Hell.
You’re going to jail for rendering my son impotent. We’re also
accusing you of raping the Little Girl for irony’s sake. Har har!
Oh, we’re also fixing your heart so you’re not grabbing at it
every fifteen seconds.
AUDIENCE
Thank you.
LITTLE GIRL
I love you, Bruce Willis. I will write you letters every
week under an assumed name.
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
That’s cute. This Little Girl will carry me through the Hell
I will suffer in prison for being The Last Good Cop ™.
BAD PEOPLE beat the shit out of BRUCE WILLIS.
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
No matter what they do to me, I will never actually
confess to raping the Little Girl.
BRUCE WILLIS goes to a FREE FLOATING jail cell where TIME PASSES, though it doesn’t really matter because no one will age at all except THE LITTLE GIRL.
NICK STAHL shows up! He’s YELLOW! And SMELLS BAD!
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
…the hell?
NICK STAHL
I know where The Little Girl is because of these letters!
BRUCE WILLIS
She used a fake name! How did he find out? Even though there
is no one else who would ever be sending me letters! I must save her.
BRUCE WILLIS admits to raping the LITTLE GIRL.
PRISON ADMINISTRATORS
A child rapist, eh? Okay, you’re free to go then.
BRUCE’S PARTNER picks him up.
BRUCE’S PARTNER
Hey. So, no hard feelings?
BRUCE WILLIS
Nope.
They’re SERIOUS.
INT. CONTINUITY BAR
THE LITTLE GIRL has turned into JESSICA ALBA. MICKEY ROURKE is there, to give us a feeling of TIME, as if it mattered.
NICK STAHL
Bwahaha! I followed Bruce to find Jessica!
BRUCE
Oh, shit. Back slowly out the door, old man, and maybe she won’t…
JESSICA ALBA
Bruce! You’re here! I love you!
BRUCE WILLIS
Run, run, run!
THEY RUN.
BRUCE WILLIS
I have to protect you from Nick.
JESSICA ALBA
I love you, Bruce.
BRUCE WILLIS
Stop that. It was cute when you were eleven. Now it’s just creepy.
JESSICA ALBA
I love you, Bruce.
BRUCE WILLIS
I’m serious. I’m supposed to be 70 years old, or thereabouts.
JESSICA ALBA
I really, really love you, Bruce.
BRUCE WILLIS
Aw, screw it. I love you too, Jessica.
NICK STAHL
I hate to interrupt this loving, if somewhat skeezy scene,
but I’m yellow! And I smell bad!
BRUCE WILLIS AND JESSICA ALBA
Oh no!
NICK STAHL
Now I will provide exposition! My father paid a lot of money to
experimentally grow back my family jewels to preserve the family line.
But it turned me bright yellow and gave me a garbage smell in the process.
So, no one would touch me regardless. But that’s okay because I like ‘em
young and unwilling anyway.
BRUCE WILLIS
But, the hand I shot off…
NICK STAHL
Shut up! We’re not talking about my hand!
NICK STAHL leaves BRUCE WILLIS to die. Without CHECKING to make sure he really dies. IDIOT.
BRUCE WILLIS
Obviously, I will not die.
THUG #1
I’m still huge and interested in cars.
THUG #2
I am still in possession of a copious vocabulary.
BRUCE WILLIS knocks out THUGS and steals their CAR.
EXT. THE DAMN FARM
The AUDIENCE sees FRODO. It DOESN’T MATTER, however, because no matter how loud things get, he’ll do NOTHING.
NICK STAHL
I’m really the evilest person in this movie. Sleazy cops? Bah.
Corrupt clergy? Hardly. People-eating psychos? He killed,
what, seven people? I’ve raped and murdered about 800 children.
AUDIENCE
Bruce? Mickey? Clive? Someone get over here and kill this guy.
BRUCE WILLIS
Oh no! My heart! It’s acting up again, even though they…
Oh, wait. No, it’s not.
BRUCE WILLIS takes down NICK STAHL. He rips off NICK STAHL’S EQUIPMENT by hand, which would be disgusting if it wasn’t YELLOW and looked like SILLY PUTTY.
BRUCE WILLIS also pounds NICK STAHL’S HEAD into YELLOW TEMPERA PAINT.
JESSICA ALBA
I love you, Bruce.
BRUCE WILLIS
That’s great…now run along. I’ll take care of this.
JESSICA ALBA drives off into EARLIER SCENES in the FILM.
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
Okay, one last monologue before death. I deserve it.
I guess I’ll shoot myself because there’s no way in this
world a young thing like Jessica would stay with me, and
Powers Boothe would just kill us anyway. Time to escape
this relentlessly dreary movie!
INT. A HOSPITAL
DIRECTOR ROBERT RODRIGUEZ
I can bookend!
JOSH HARTNETT
Okay, now I have an invented purpose.
ALEXIS BLEDEL
Aw, dammit.
Like I said, I have no idea how I wrote this. I probably won't get another one out until the middle of May.
Also, this Breadbox Edition has a rating of "PG-14". There are descriptions of violence (though mostly flippant ones) and a large number of swear words. If those things offend you, don't read it. This is based on a movie with a hard "R" rating, after all.
(Author's Note: Sin City does not belong to me. It in all it's bloody, horrific glory mostly belongs to Frank Miller.)
FADE IN:
EXT. BASIN CITY, USA – WHERE THE STREETS RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS WHO SHALL NEVER AGAIN SEE THE PALE LIGHT OF A FADING DAY
I have no purpose whatsoever.
AUDIENCE
We don’t care. This looks awesome!
JOSH HARTNETT kills the ONLY WOMAN in the movie who is fully clothed because FRANK MILLER has ISSUES.
EXT. THE DOCKS – KNOWN TO BE THE MOST DANGEROUS PART OF ANY CITY BECAUSE BAD GUYS ALWAYS CONGREGATE BY WATER
Little Girl. Eleven. Gotta save her, old man, because
you are The Last Good Cop ™.
BRUCE’S PARTNER
You think I’m Robert Pastorelli, but I’m not.
BRUCE WILLIS
I’m going to save this little girl from Nick Stahl, the sadistic
son of a senator, tarnished golden boy of the ruling family
that holds this town a thrall of everlasting fear and darkness.
BRUCE’S PARTNER
Yeah, that’s only going to get you killed.
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
Everyone but you is on the take, old man. Better punch out this guy.
HE DOES, and attempts to get to NICK STAHL before he does horrible, horrible things to the LITTLE GIRL.
Oh, no! My heart! It thumps away in my chest like a horny
couple against a cheap motel wall!
THUG #1
I’m funny because I’m huge and I like cars.
THUG #2
I’m funny because I’m loquacious. You see, I like to talk for long
periods of time, which might be funnier if it weren’t for the fact
that everyone in this movie discourses in verbose graphic novel-esque
dialogue filled with superfluous description.
BRUCE WILLIS knocks them both out so they can COME BACK and be funny LATER.
It doesn’t matter if you found me before I did terrible things
to this child, because you can’t stop me, copper! I’m untouchable!
I can do whatever I want to whomever I want whenever I want!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BRUCE WILLIS shoots off his HAND. And his DICK. And gives him several other HOLES.
You idiot. Now I have to shoot you. Have one more
monologue before you pass out.
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
You’re going to die, old man. But it won’t matter because
you saved this little girl from dying at this very moment. Too bad the
vindictive bastard will probably have her killed in the future, and
even if he doesn’t, she’ll probably end up dead some other way because
this is Basin City, land of thwarted opportunity.
INT. A CRUMMY MOTEL ROOM – THE NEON LIGHT SPATTERING THROUGH THE BLINDS LIKE BLOOD ON THE WALL IS THE PERFECT ACCOMPANIMENT TO A DOOMED TRIST
Forget what you just saw. Now it’s time for a different story.
MICKEY ROURKE
Someone has killed the only person who has ever shown me
human kindness at all. Which is probably because I’m ugly,
crazy, and a murderer who like to torture people…but don’t
worry. I’m still sympathetic…okay, likeable, anyway.
In a FLASHBACK that no one could possibly have as all the characters were either UNCONSCIOUS or THE KILLER, FRODO comes in and kills JAMIE KING.
Open up! We’re crooked and we’re going to fry you for
something you didn’t do!
MICKEY ROURKE
Time for me to go rock this movie and kill the guy
who murdered Jamie King.
COPS are no match for MICKEY ROURKE and his SUPERHUMAN VINDICTIVENESS.
INT. A SHABBY APARTMENT, HOME OF A WOMAN MAKING HER WAY IN A WORLD OF SHADES OF GREY
Hello, have some pointless nudity.
MICKEY ROURKE
Nearly everything in this movie is pointless. It’s all style, baby.
CARLA GUGINO
I’m your parole officer, Mickey. I’m actually not that bad
of a person, though I’ll probably die anyway. I’m also a
lesbian, which adds nothing to my character, but may
titillate the male audience.
MICKEY ROURKE
Carla, I’m going to find out who killed Jamie King by
being vicious to many, many people…
AUDIENCE
Uh…
MICKEY ROURKE (cont.)
But don’t worry, these people deserve it.
AUDIENCE
Oh, okay.
CARLA GUGINO
Remember to stop at the bar first, so there is continuity later.
INT. AN UNDERWORLD BAR WHERE THE DENEZINS OF THE UNDERWORLD COME TO DRINK AWAY THE UNRELENTING HORROR OF THEIR SEAMY LIVES
MICKEY ROURKE sees JESSICA ALBA, who is the grown up version of the LITTLE GIRL, and BRITTNAY MURPHY, who will be of LITTLE IMPORTANCE later.
Now to do atrocious, yet justifiable things, to five people,
including Frank Miller. While cracking wise, no less.
JAMIE KING runs him DOWN.
Huh. Well, that was weird. Anyway, more torture to inflict.
MICKEY ROURKE thinks RUTGER HAUER is involved, but wants to make ABSOLUTELY SURE before torturing him for hours on end.
I’m not completely amoral, you know.
EVENTUALLY, we get to THE FARM
EXT. THE FARM WHERE PREVIOUS SPILT BLOOD STILL GLEAMS DULLY ON ONCE FRUITFUL LANDS
I found human bones. The person who killed Jamie King is here.
FRODO kicks MICKEY ROURKE’S ass while being the CREEPIEST SHIT EVER.
That kung fu would have been useful in Mordor, eh?
INT. THE TROPHY ROOM OF AN UNIMAGINABLE HORROR LURKING JUST BELOW THE SEEMINGLY STILL SURFACE OF THE WORLD
I’ve been kidnapped by the person who killed Jamie King!
And I’m naked again!
AUDIENCE
Wait, why would Frodo there kidnap Clara? She really doesn’t
have anything to do with this, she has a lover who’ll probably
ask questions, and she’s a cop. No matter who was bribed, they’d
start caring if their own started dying. She’s more trouble than…
CLARA GIGINO
I distract you with the stub of my hand that Frodo has eaten!
AUDIENCE
Oh, gross!
MICKEY ROURKE
This guy is sick. Let’s get out of here.
MICKEY ROURKE’S SUPERHUMAN VINDICTIVENESS breaks them out of their cell.
We’re crooked, and we’re going to fry you for something you didn’t do!
CARLA GIGINO
I think I can talk to them.
COPS kill CARLA GIGINO.
Well, she was pointless.
MICKEY ROURKE
Really, you’re expecting too much from this.
And now for more gratuitous deaths!
MICKEY ROURKE kills COPS.
EXT. BASIN CITY – WHERE EVEN THE GOOD GO BAD AFTER A DAY, SEEING NO OTHER WAY TO SURVIVE
MICKEY ROURKE gets beat up by ROSARIO DAWSON and JAMIE KING.
Actually, I’m the twin sister, Jamie King II.
ROSARIO DAWSON
I’m just here so the next segment doesn’t seem so random.
MICKEY ROURKE
I didn’t kill Jamie King. Frodo and Rutger Hauer did.
JAMIE KING II
Oh, I’m sorry. Kill them for Jamie King. And take me
to Jessica Alba so she doesn’t seem random later.
EXT. BACK TO THE FARM – WHERE EVEN THE WHOLESOME COUNTRYSIDE IS SUBVERTED BY EVIL FOR PURPOSES OF…EVIL
MICKEY ROURKE draws out FRODO and…God, I don’t even want to think about it. SUFFICE TO SAY, FRODO dies. And it’s GROSS.
EXT. THE CHURCH, FOR EVEN THE CLERGY ARE NOT IMMUNE TO THE PERVASIVE STENCH OF CORRUPTION THAT SEEPS INTO THE CRACKS OF THE CITY
You’ve killed poor, dear Frodo. We used to eat people
together, he and I. It filled us with the light of God.
MICKEY ROURKE
You’re just making it easy for the Audience to accept your
inevitable, and most likely gory, death.
RUTGER HAUER
I’ll make it even easier. Jamie King never loved you. She was
just looking for protection from Frodo. And when you kill me, my
brother, who is also Nick Stahl’s brother, will have you put to death.
RUTGER HAUER dies in a TERRIBLE, OFF-SCREEN way.
We’re crooked, and we’re going to fry you for something
that you’ve actually done this time!
MICKEY ROURKE
Now that Jamie King is dead, no one loves me.
JAMIE KING II
I love you. In fact, I’m really the only person who has ever
really loved you. But I’ll let you pretend I’m Jamie King.
MICKEY ROURKE is ELECTROCUTED while SASSING the GUARDS.
End part one. Now for another, vaguely related, vignette.
INT. ANOTHER APARTMENT INHABITED BY A WOMAN MAKING A LIFE ANYWAY SHE CAN WITH WHOMEVER SHE CAN
I told you I was of little importance.
BENICIO DEL TORO
I’m an asshole!
BRITTANY MURPHY and BENICIO DEL TORO have some NEARLY NATURAL DIALOGUE.
Hello, I’m the star of this segment, though sometimes
it will be very difficult to tell.
CLIVE OWEN pushes BENICIO DEL TORO around for being a dick to BRITTANY MURPHY.
Despite being a complete jerk with a posse of at least four
other people who would be perfectly willing to beat
you up, I am very cowed by you, Clive Owen. Let me
run away like a beaten dog, with my tail between my legs.
CLIVE OWEN
Hmm, he’s up to no good. I’ll follow him and make sure
he doesn’t do something stupid. Let me jump out the window
instead of taking the stairs so I can be cool and dramatic.
BRITTANY MURPHY yells something CLIVE OWEN can’t hear because otherwise this segment would be OVER BEFORE IT STARTED.
EXT. OLD TOWN – WHERE THE WOMEN RULE THE NIGHT WITH AN IRON FIST, FOR REMEBRANCES OF PAST HORRORS ARE ALWAYS FRESH AFTER DARK
BENICIO DEL TORO finds ALEXIS BLEDEL
Hey, baby. Didn’t I see you on TV last night?
ALEXIS BLEDEL
My awkward sounding accent and I have no idea
what you’re talking about.
CLIVE OWEN shows up to bother ROSARIO DAWSON.
Benicio is a complete jagoff.
ROSARIO DAWSON
Don’t worry about it. Deadly Little Devon Aoki will take care of it.
While she’s doing that, do you want establish a past history?
CLIVE OWEN
Might as well. Not even I can figure out my backstory.
BENICIO DEL TORO
Hey, I’m a damn good actor, and I deserve to be treated
better than this stupid Latin loser stereotype.
ALEXIS BLEDEL
Oh, honey, demanding respect is the stupidest thing
you could do in this movie.
DEADLY LITTLE DEVON AOKI kills BENICIO DEL TORO and his ENTIRE POSSE in the most DISGUSTING, YET AMUSING, way possible.
Uh, whoops. Turns out Benicio was actually the one
cop keeping Old Town and the prostitutes safe from invasion.
CLIVE OWEN
Well, we’ll just have to get rid of the body before the bad guys
find out. But first, let’s stop to establish a running joke.
ALEXIS BLEDEL puts on a pin that says, “I’M GOING TO BETRAY YOU. ASK ME HOW.”
EXT. A WINDING ROAD LEADING NOWHERE, LEAVING NOWHERE. A METAPHOR FOR THE LIVES OF THOSE IN BASIN CITY.
Amazingly, I’m a better character when dead.
CLIVE OWEN
Oh, god. The dead body is talking to me. I thought
Mickey Rourke was the one who needed anti-psychotics.
BENICIO DEL TORO
So, do you want to play a travel game? I have Car Bingo.
BOOM! IRISH MERCENARIES!
INT. A PROSTITUTES DEN, RIPE WITH THE STENCH OF…OH SCREW THIS.
I have no idea who I am or whom I represent.
ROSARIO DAWSON
…the hell?
ALEXIS BLEDEL
But I betrayed you to him.
ROSARIO DAWSON
How far in advance did you have this set up?
Were you waiting for us to kill Benicio or what?
ALEXIS BLEDEL
I have a mother to protect!
EXT. TAR PITS – SERIOUSLY, NO MORE STUPID DESCRIPTIONS
CLIVE OWEN kills a bunch of IRISH MERCENARIES, including UNCREDITED BILLY BOYD.
Sin City: 2. Lord of the Rings: 0.
CLIVE OWEN
Unfortunately, I still end up in the tar pit. Oh, sweet death.
BENICIO DEL TORO
Help! Help! They’re stealing my head!
But DEADLY LITTLE DEVON AOKI saves the day.
We have to save Rosario Dawson from…someone.
EXT. OLD TOWN
I’ll trade Benicio’s head for Rosario. Then you can tell
whoever it is you work for that he’s dead.
MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN
Excellent! Soon everyone will be dead or a slave!
BENICIO DEL TORO
I may be just a head, but I’m still hilarious.
ALEXIS BLEDEL
This is a trap, isn’t it?
CLIVE OWEN
Duh!
BENICIO’S HEAD explodes! PROSTITUTES kill everyone!
I guess a group of scantily clad women mowing down
people trapped in an alleyway is what makes me happy.
AUDIENCE
Of course it does. It’s a male wet dream.
CLIVE OWEN
And no one else will ever figure out Benicio is dead. Ever.
ROSARIO DAWSON
…Wait a minute.
INT. A HOSPITAL
Hmmm…I’m still alive. Guess this makes me the third segment.
POWERS BOOTHE
As Nick Stahl’s father, I’m going to make your life a living Hell.
You’re going to jail for rendering my son impotent. We’re also
accusing you of raping the Little Girl for irony’s sake. Har har!
Oh, we’re also fixing your heart so you’re not grabbing at it
every fifteen seconds.
AUDIENCE
Thank you.
LITTLE GIRL
I love you, Bruce Willis. I will write you letters every
week under an assumed name.
BRUCE WILLIS (V.O.)
That’s cute. This Little Girl will carry me through the Hell
I will suffer in prison for being The Last Good Cop ™.
BAD PEOPLE beat the shit out of BRUCE WILLIS.
No matter what they do to me, I will never actually
confess to raping the Little Girl.
BRUCE WILLIS goes to a FREE FLOATING jail cell where TIME PASSES, though it doesn’t really matter because no one will age at all except THE LITTLE GIRL.
NICK STAHL shows up! He’s YELLOW! And SMELLS BAD!
…the hell?
NICK STAHL
I know where The Little Girl is because of these letters!
BRUCE WILLIS
She used a fake name! How did he find out? Even though there
is no one else who would ever be sending me letters! I must save her.
BRUCE WILLIS admits to raping the LITTLE GIRL.
A child rapist, eh? Okay, you’re free to go then.
BRUCE’S PARTNER picks him up.
Hey. So, no hard feelings?
BRUCE WILLIS
Nope.
They’re SERIOUS.
INT. CONTINUITY BAR
THE LITTLE GIRL has turned into JESSICA ALBA. MICKEY ROURKE is there, to give us a feeling of TIME, as if it mattered.
Bwahaha! I followed Bruce to find Jessica!
BRUCE
Oh, shit. Back slowly out the door, old man, and maybe she won’t…
JESSICA ALBA
Bruce! You’re here! I love you!
BRUCE WILLIS
Run, run, run!
THEY RUN.
I have to protect you from Nick.
JESSICA ALBA
I love you, Bruce.
BRUCE WILLIS
Stop that. It was cute when you were eleven. Now it’s just creepy.
JESSICA ALBA
I love you, Bruce.
BRUCE WILLIS
I’m serious. I’m supposed to be 70 years old, or thereabouts.
JESSICA ALBA
I really, really love you, Bruce.
BRUCE WILLIS
Aw, screw it. I love you too, Jessica.
NICK STAHL
I hate to interrupt this loving, if somewhat skeezy scene,
but I’m yellow! And I smell bad!
BRUCE WILLIS AND JESSICA ALBA
Oh no!
NICK STAHL
Now I will provide exposition! My father paid a lot of money to
experimentally grow back my family jewels to preserve the family line.
But it turned me bright yellow and gave me a garbage smell in the process.
So, no one would touch me regardless. But that’s okay because I like ‘em
young and unwilling anyway.
BRUCE WILLIS
But, the hand I shot off…
NICK STAHL
Shut up! We’re not talking about my hand!
NICK STAHL leaves BRUCE WILLIS to die. Without CHECKING to make sure he really dies. IDIOT.
Obviously, I will not die.
THUG #1
I’m still huge and interested in cars.
THUG #2
I am still in possession of a copious vocabulary.
BRUCE WILLIS knocks out THUGS and steals their CAR.
EXT. THE DAMN FARM
The AUDIENCE sees FRODO. It DOESN’T MATTER, however, because no matter how loud things get, he’ll do NOTHING.
I’m really the evilest person in this movie. Sleazy cops? Bah.
Corrupt clergy? Hardly. People-eating psychos? He killed,
what, seven people? I’ve raped and murdered about 800 children.
AUDIENCE
Bruce? Mickey? Clive? Someone get over here and kill this guy.
BRUCE WILLIS
Oh no! My heart! It’s acting up again, even though they…
Oh, wait. No, it’s not.
BRUCE WILLIS takes down NICK STAHL. He rips off NICK STAHL’S EQUIPMENT by hand, which would be disgusting if it wasn’t YELLOW and looked like SILLY PUTTY.
BRUCE WILLIS also pounds NICK STAHL’S HEAD into YELLOW TEMPERA PAINT.
I love you, Bruce.
BRUCE WILLIS
That’s great…now run along. I’ll take care of this.
JESSICA ALBA drives off into EARLIER SCENES in the FILM.
Okay, one last monologue before death. I deserve it.
I guess I’ll shoot myself because there’s no way in this
world a young thing like Jessica would stay with me, and
Powers Boothe would just kill us anyway. Time to escape
this relentlessly dreary movie!
INT. A HOSPITAL
I can bookend!
JOSH HARTNETT
Okay, now I have an invented purpose.
ALEXIS BLEDEL
Aw, dammit.
Like I said, I have no idea how I wrote this. I probably won't get another one out until the middle of May.
