K-PAX: Breadbox Edition
Jan. 11th, 2005 09:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
If you remember this at all, you have been reading my work for a looooong time.
(Author’s Note: Idea for abridged script taken from Rod Hilton and the Editing Room. Content is mine. K-PAX does not belong to me. It is owned by some companies I had never heard of until I saw this movie. And Gene Brewer. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation.)
K-PAX: THE BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
INT: NEW YORK TRAIN STATION
POOF! KEVIN SPACEY appears.
KEVIN SPACEY
I am from another planet.
AUDIENCE
We are not surprised.
COP
I’m going to ignore the fact that a robbery and assault just occurred
and arrest you for not removing your sunglasses.
KEVIN SPACEY
Take me to Jeff Bridges.
INT: SET OF ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST
KEVIN SPACEY
I have come to judge you and your species.
JEFF BRIDGES
How does that make you feel?
KEVIN SPACEY
I come from another planet.
JEFF BRIDGES
I don’t believe you.
KEVIN SPACEY
I know things that a human couldn’t possibly know.
JEFF BRIDGES
Uh-huh.
KEVIN SPACEY
My eyes see a different spectrum of light.
JEFF BRIDGES
Nope.
KEVIN SPACEY
I have a never-sufficiently-explained love of fresh produce.
JFFF BRIDGES
Hmmmm…
JEFF takes KEVIN to see the ASTROPHYSICISTS, who are shocked to discover that KEVIN knows about the existence of a star.
AUDIENCE
So the scientific community is keeping the existence of
stars from us? This benefits them…how?
KEVIN does some pretty amazing PHYSICS.
JEFF BRIDGES
I still don’t believe you.
KEVIN goes back to teaching the CRAZIES to love and be loved again.
OBESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
Look, the Blue Bird of Happiness!
AUDIENCE
It’s a blue jay. A shrill, mean tempered little bastard of a bird.
OBESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
It’s still blue. And it’s a bird.
AUDIENCE
Whatever.
We then discover that therapy is UNNECESSARY. You just need someone willing to try and KILL YOU. That’s the road to true MENTAL HEALTH.
KEVIN SPACEY
Heal thyself.
CRAZIES
I’m healed!
KEVIN gets a ticket back to his planet marked several days in the future.
JEFF BRIDGES
My god! We must find out who he is before
that date arrives. Though what I’m worried that he’ll
do is none of the audience’s business.
EXT: THE NICEST HOUSE EVER
JEFF takes the potentially mentally unbalanced man to his family’s picnic.
AUDIENCE
Does anyone not see this coming? Anyone?
KEVIN endears himself to MARY MCCORMACK.
MARY MCCORMACK
Jeff and I have problems.
KEVIN SPACEY
Don’t worry, I’ll fix that.
Instead, KEVIN freaks out about WATER.
JEFF BRIDGES
Who thought he’d have a psychotic episode at my house?
AUDIENCE
Ooh, right here! Then again, I’ve seen a movie before.
INT: AN EXPENSIVE LOOKING PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE.
JEFF BRIDGES
SLEEP!
KEVIN has a freakin’ weird HYPNOSIS EPISODE, proving that he acts well.
JEFF BRIDGES
I am predictably getting more and more obsessed with you.
KEVIN SPACEY
You must love the important things in life. Like your family.
JEFF BRIDGES
Screw my family. I must research slaughterhouses.
THE MOVIE explains away all of KEVIN’S idiosyncrasies (except for the fruit thing) by turning him into a man who found his family DEAD. JEFF goes to find out more.
JEFF BRIDGES
So, what happened?
PSYCHIC SHERIFF
His family was in the backyard when the killer arrived.
He forced them into the house.
AUDIENCE
Uh, how does he know this?
JEFF also becomes PSYCHIC and has visions of KEVIN having a mental breakdown.
AUDIENCE
Why is everyone clairvoyant all of a sudden?
JEFF goes home with GREATER UNDERSTANDING. THE AUDIENCE is still skeptical.
KEVIN holds an ESSAY CONTEST. The winner gets an all-expenses-paid trip to K-PAX!
The time of KEVIN’S departure DRAWS APACE.
JEFF BRIDGES
My God! I should love my family!
KEVIN SPACEY
Remember all I have judged…er, taught you.
AUDIENCE
Why do Oscar winners always become
pretentious in their film choices?
JEFF misses KEVIN’S departure because he HITS THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
APPROPRIATELY AMBIGUOUS ENDING
Draw your own conclusions, dammit.
(Author’s Note: Idea for abridged script taken from Rod Hilton and the Editing Room. Content is mine. K-PAX does not belong to me. It is owned by some companies I had never heard of until I saw this movie. And Gene Brewer. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation.)
FADE IN:
INT: NEW YORK TRAIN STATION
POOF! KEVIN SPACEY appears.
I am from another planet.
AUDIENCE
We are not surprised.
COP
I’m going to ignore the fact that a robbery and assault just occurred
and arrest you for not removing your sunglasses.
KEVIN SPACEY
Take me to Jeff Bridges.
INT: SET OF ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST
I have come to judge you and your species.
JEFF BRIDGES
How does that make you feel?
KEVIN SPACEY
I come from another planet.
JEFF BRIDGES
I don’t believe you.
KEVIN SPACEY
I know things that a human couldn’t possibly know.
JEFF BRIDGES
Uh-huh.
KEVIN SPACEY
My eyes see a different spectrum of light.
JEFF BRIDGES
Nope.
KEVIN SPACEY
I have a never-sufficiently-explained love of fresh produce.
JFFF BRIDGES
Hmmmm…
JEFF takes KEVIN to see the ASTROPHYSICISTS, who are shocked to discover that KEVIN knows about the existence of a star.
So the scientific community is keeping the existence of
stars from us? This benefits them…how?
KEVIN does some pretty amazing PHYSICS.
I still don’t believe you.
KEVIN goes back to teaching the CRAZIES to love and be loved again.
Look, the Blue Bird of Happiness!
AUDIENCE
It’s a blue jay. A shrill, mean tempered little bastard of a bird.
OBESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
It’s still blue. And it’s a bird.
AUDIENCE
Whatever.
We then discover that therapy is UNNECESSARY. You just need someone willing to try and KILL YOU. That’s the road to true MENTAL HEALTH.
Heal thyself.
CRAZIES
I’m healed!
KEVIN gets a ticket back to his planet marked several days in the future.
My god! We must find out who he is before
that date arrives. Though what I’m worried that he’ll
do is none of the audience’s business.
EXT: THE NICEST HOUSE EVER
JEFF takes the potentially mentally unbalanced man to his family’s picnic.
Does anyone not see this coming? Anyone?
KEVIN endears himself to MARY MCCORMACK.
Jeff and I have problems.
KEVIN SPACEY
Don’t worry, I’ll fix that.
Instead, KEVIN freaks out about WATER.
Who thought he’d have a psychotic episode at my house?
AUDIENCE
Ooh, right here! Then again, I’ve seen a movie before.
INT: AN EXPENSIVE LOOKING PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE.
SLEEP!
KEVIN has a freakin’ weird HYPNOSIS EPISODE, proving that he acts well.
I am predictably getting more and more obsessed with you.
KEVIN SPACEY
You must love the important things in life. Like your family.
JEFF BRIDGES
Screw my family. I must research slaughterhouses.
THE MOVIE explains away all of KEVIN’S idiosyncrasies (except for the fruit thing) by turning him into a man who found his family DEAD. JEFF goes to find out more.
So, what happened?
PSYCHIC SHERIFF
His family was in the backyard when the killer arrived.
He forced them into the house.
AUDIENCE
Uh, how does he know this?
JEFF also becomes PSYCHIC and has visions of KEVIN having a mental breakdown.
Why is everyone clairvoyant all of a sudden?
JEFF goes home with GREATER UNDERSTANDING. THE AUDIENCE is still skeptical.
KEVIN holds an ESSAY CONTEST. The winner gets an all-expenses-paid trip to K-PAX!
The time of KEVIN’S departure DRAWS APACE.
My God! I should love my family!
KEVIN SPACEY
Remember all I have judged…er, taught you.
AUDIENCE
Why do Oscar winners always become
pretentious in their film choices?
JEFF misses KEVIN’S departure because he HITS THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
Draw your own conclusions, dammit.