evadne_noel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
evadne_noel) wrote2004-11-03 10:09 pm
evadne_noel) wrote2004-11-03 10:09 pm
Entry tags:
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: Breadbox Edition
To ease my sorrow resulting from the election, I have decided to put up a brand new, never-before-seen Breadbox. From a movie I saw more than a month ago. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm reallly slow.
(Author’s Note: Sky Captain does not belong to me, but to Paramount Pictures. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation.)
SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Okay, film crew? Let’s turn that soft focus up. All the way up.
SOFT FOCUS blurs the edges and makes COLOR practically DISAPPEAR.
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN (cont.)
There, that ought to make my film look noir-ish. And if not, at
least it will hide the fact that there isn’t a single natural background.
Now, give me a 1930s New York skyline. And a blimp! That’s cool!
EXT. GOTHAM CITY (NO, REALLY)
A BLIMP docks at what appears to be THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
AUDIENCE
Um, how is anyone going to disembark all the way up there?
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Do not question my nostalgic movie!
AUDIENCE
Whatever you say. And, “Hindenburg III”? What happened to “II?”
Have we learned nothing about giant, gas filled transportation?
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Now, what else will make my movie film noir? I know! A German!
DR. VARGAS
I want this boy to deliver a highly important, ultra-top-
secret note that I will not even fold in half to hide what it says.
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
And subtitles! Use subtitles!
DR. VARGAS
*subtitled*
And now I will mysteriously disappear.
INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Spinning newspaper reels! Eeeee!
POLLY PERKINS
I wish I were Lois Lane.
EDITOR MORRIS PALEY
Polly, scientists are disappearing left and right. Things are
dangerous. Don’t be stupid.
POLLY
Oh, I will.
INT. THEATRE
WIZARD OF OZ
I am the most colorful thing in this movie.
DR. JENNINGS
I am in danger because I too am a scientist.
POLLY
Tell me more.
DR. JENNINGS
No, I cannot.
POLLY
Look, you’ve already involved me, so you might as well.
DR. JENNINGS
No, I must be mysterious!
CUE: CONVENIENTLY TIMED AIR SIRENS
AUDIENCE
Air raid!?
CAST
Worse! Giant robots!
It’s TRUE. GIANT ROBOTS!
AUDIENCE
Uh…klaatu barada nicto?
POLLY
I must recklessly disregard all personal safety because
my story is the only things that matters!
POLICE shoot at GIANT ROBOT with RIFLES. Yeah, right.
POLICE #1
Only one thing can save us now! Sky Captain!
POLICE #2
Yes, one man with a plane will succeed where the entire
New York police department failed with their arsenal!
POLICE #1
I’m sorry, did you see our arsenal?
CONCENTRIC CIRCLES are sent across the nation to contact SKY CAPTAIN.
DISPATCH
Please save us, Prince of Space…I mean, Sky Captain!
MEANWHILE, POLLY nearly gets herself KILLED. MULTIPLE TIMES.
JOE “SKY CAPTAIN” SULLIVAN
My prettiness will save the day!
GIANT ROBOTS
POW! POW! POW!
GIANT ROBOTS are no match for JOE and his PLANE and MACHINE GUN and PRETTINESS.
POLLY
Oh no! My camera has fallen down a storm drain!
And the giant robots are coming right at me!
AUDIENCE
Uh, Polly? If you leave it down the drain and hide, the
robots will just pass by and then you’ll be able to get it.
POLLY
Must get camera no matter what!
AUDIENCE
All right, Sweet Polly Purebred, it’s your funeral.
UNFORTUNATELY, JOE saves POLLY before she can get CRUSHED.
GIANT ROBOTS take off with FIREY JETS, liquidating the ground. POLLY, right at their feet, is not even SINGED.
POLLY
Hi, Joe!
JOE
Man, she survived!
INT. SUPER SECRET SKY CAPTAIN BASE
JOE
So, do we know where the giant robots are coming from?
DEX
Not yet, but my brilliance and I are working on it.
JOE
Good boy, Dex.
DEX
…that’s not very nice, Joe.
JOE
I’ll just relax in my office now and…
POLLY
Hey, Joe.
JOE
Dammit.
POLLY
*BANTER*
JOE
*INNUENDO*
POLLY
*INSULT*
JOE
*RETORT*
POLLY
I have information, Joe. And I’m really pretty. You know
you want to work with me.
JOE
I think you sabotaged my plane years ago.
AUDIENCE
Uh…whoa. That’s serious.
POLLY
I think you cheated on me.
AUDIENCE
Not quite as serious, but you two have issues.
JOE
I’ll let you help us if you promise not to be stupid.
POLLY
Oh, I will.
JOE
…will promise not to be stupid? Or will be stupid?
POLLY
So, what do you know?
They know GIANT ROBOTS.
JOE
Dex is working on a way to track them. Good boy, Dex.
DEX
I’m ignoring you, Joe.
POLLY
I know a name: Totenkopf.
SOMEWHERE, SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER stirs in his GRAVE.
POLLY (cont.)
I also know a scientist who will likely die in the next scene.
INT. DARK WAREHOUSE
JOE
Let’s not turn on lights.
POLLY
Wow! Tiny elephants! I wonder what this has to do with the plot?
DR. JENNINGS suffers DEATH BY MYSTERIOUS ASIAN WOMAN.
JOE
I will chase the Mysterious Asian Woman so you can get
information you will keep from me, Polly.
DR. JENNINGS
Here, Polly, take this vial of plot element. Totenkopf needs it
for the plot to make sense.
*dies*
SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER rolls over in his grave.
POLLY
Hmm, should I tell Joe I have something people will obviously
be trying to kill us to get? Nah.
CUE: CONVENIENTLY TIMED AIR SIRENS
POLLY
My Lord, do we live in a state of constant siege now?
JOE
I must get back to my base!
AUDIENCE
But, your base is in a secret location, probably very far away,
and the robots are attacking now!
INT. SUPER SECRET SKY CAPTAIN BASE…WHICH IS RIGHT OVER THE HILL FROM THE CITY
AUDIENCE (cont.)
…so the mercenary forces of Sky Captain live in the suburbs?
JOE
*ANGER*
POLLY
*ARGUE*
POLLY
I want to fly in the plane with you, Joe.
JOE
It’s too dangerous.
POLLY
Too bad.
GIANT ROBOTS
We found your secret base! It wasn’t that hard! At least
build a bunker, people!
They TAKE OFF. The place POLLY was standing is IMMEDIATELY BLOWN UP.
GIANT ROBOTS (cont.)
Damn! Missed again!
DEX
I’ll just stay here in the battle zone and trace where the signal
guiding the robots is coming from.
JOE
Good boy, Dex.
DEX
Joe, please stop that.
JOE and POLLY fly around GOTHAM CITY in a PLANE that handles like a CAR.
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Physics? We don’t need no stinkin’ physics! This is my retro sci-fi movie!
POLLY
*OBVIOUS DIALOGUE*
JOE
*EQUALLY OBVIOUS RESPONSE*
They LIVE, but the GIANT ROBOTS escape, stealing GENERATORS.
POLLY
Okay, so they need the generators to power their tiny-
animal making facility?
JOE
If only we knew what the key element of the plot was.
You have no idea, right?
POLLY
NO! I’m not keeping a secret! I mean, no, Joe.
MEANWHILE:
DEX
I have almost figured out from where the giant robots are coming!
SLIGHTLY SMALLER ROBOTS
Let us interrupt you!
DEX
Check out my sassy retro ray gun! Fear my concentric circles!
SLIGHTLY SMALLER ROBOTS get BLOWN UP, but DEX gets captured anyway.
DEX
Wait, why aren’t you just killing me? That would make more sense.
AUDIENCE
They can’t kill you! You’re too cool!
LATER:
JOE
Oh no! They have Dex! We must save him now, too.
If only we knew where they were!
POLLY
I’m an investigative reporter, Joe. I’ll figure it out.
POLLY looks DOWN.
POLLY (cont.)
Ah ha! Dex left a clue as to the robots’ location!
They’re in Tibet!
JOE
Luckily, I just happen to know someone there.
POLLY
My amazing ability to look down has saved us!
AUDIENCE
You’ve got to be kidding me.
EXT. A MAP
JOE and POLLY fly to TIBET, as illustrated by the MAP OVERLAY. They barely avoid crashing into INDIANA JONES on their way.
EXT. TIBET
KAJI
I’m a sleezeball!
POLLY
My reporter’s instincts tell me not to trust this man.
EBIL ASIAN PEOPLES
No, honey, we’re the evil stereotypes, not him.
KAJI
Though I am pretty stereotypical. Let’s check out this mine.
JOE
What does Totenkopf need with a mine?
SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER rolls over a few more times.
POLLY immediately WANDERS OFF.
AUDIENCE
Uh, Polly? Polly? Where do you think you’re…nevermind.
JOE
Radiation! This mine is laced with uranium!
Or it’s a uranium mine, your choice.
We have to get out of here! Where’s Polly?
AUDIENCE
*facepalm*
POLLY
I’m in trouble!
EBIL ASIAN PEOPLES
Give us the vital plot element!
JOE
We don’t have it!
POLLY
Actually, we do.
POLLY gives away the VIAL OF PLOT.
JOE
Polly, this does not help me engender trust in you.
They get locked in a VAULT that’s filled with DYNAMITE about to EXPLODE.
POLLY
Sorry.
JOE
“Sorry” is so not cutting it right now.
KAJI
*lets them out*
So…are we escaping anytime today?
Because things are about to explode.
POLLY
Wait, I must save my film! My story is still top priority!
JOE
No! You’re living and that’s it!
AUDIENCE
Let her go, Joe. Really, your life will be so much easier.
He saves her ANYWAY. EVERYONE passes out in the SNOW.
INT. A BED
POLLY
Holy crap, I’m naked!
JOE
*INNUENDO*
POLLY
Now is not the time, Joe.
JOE
*REJOINDER*
POLLY
I said, knock it off.
KAJI
Well, I thought it was clever.
GOOD ASIAN PERSON
I have saved you. Get lost.
JOE
Wait, where are we?
KAJI
Some call it Shamballah. Others, Eden. But some call it…
AUDIENCE
*sings*
The world is a circle that never begins, and nobody
knows where the circle ends!
KAJI (cont.)
Shangri-La.
GOOD ASIAN PERSON
Got it in one. Now, beat it.
JOE
Wait, we’re looking for someone…
CUE: UNNECESSARY DRAMATIC PAUSE
JOE (cont.)
Totenkopf.
AUDIENCE
Dun, dun, DUN!
In his GRAVE, SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER performs a FORWARD DOUBLE SOMERSAULT with a HALF TWIST.
GOOD ASIAN PERSON
Totenkopf experimented on our people and enslaved us.
I guess I can help you if you’re looking for him.
He’s on an island, far, far from here.
AUDIENCE
Then why were the robots going to Tibet?
MAN MUTATED BY TOTENKOPF
Kill me.
JOE
Holy shit, this guy is evil!
AUDIENCE
Wait, Totenkopf’s running experiments on people now?
What about the elephant? And those generators?
What’s going on?!
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Only I truly know the plot! Mwahahaha!
EXT. SHANGRI-LA
POLLY
Okay, Joe. I’m ready to banter again. Do you like my new
outfit from the Tibetans, designed by STELLA MCCARTHY?
JOE
*MOCK*
POLLY
*COMEBACK*
POLLY discovers she only has TWO PICTURES left on her ALL-IMPORTANT CAMERA, thus setting up a RUNNING GAG.
AUDIENCE
Oh, like you have any right to criticize running gags,
Miss One-Note-Joke Author.
SHUT UP.
EXT. OCEAN MAP OVERLAY
JOE
I know someone near Totenkopf’s island, too.
POLLY
Who?
JOE
Our very special guest star, Angelina Jolie!
AUDIENCE
Oh, yeah. I thought she was in this movie.
JOE (cont.)
Good thing too, as we are almost out of gas,
thus setting up a small amount of tension.
The TENSION amounts to NOTHING.
EXT. AIR SHIP OF THE FUTURE
CAPT. FRANCESCA “FRANKY” COOK
I’m here for my glorified cameo!
AUDIENCE
Can’t concentrate…distracted by…Franky’s eyebrows!
JOE
Help us.
FRANKY
Only if you let me mock Polly.
JOE
If you feel it’s necessary. She does a pretty good
job of it on her own, though.
POLLY
Why am I wearing high heels again? Are they Tibetan
formal wear? Whoops! Tripped!
FRANKY
You’re right, Joe. Too easy. I’ll help you though,
because we used to be lovers.
POLLY
I knew it!
FRANKY
Don’t touch anything on my airship. Something bad will happen.
WHOOPS! POLLY knocks something on the AIR SHIP. LIGHTS flash and NOISES sound.
AUDIENCE
Oh no!
NOTHING HAPPENS.
FRANKY
Okay, I lied. It’s not that bad. Let’s get you on that island.
EXT. THE OCEAN
JOE, FRANKY and FRANKY’S FORCES crash their PLANES into the OCEAN, which rips off the WINGS, causing the planes to burst into FLAMES and SINK.
AUDIENCE
Oh, wait, no. That’s what would happen in the real world.
IN THE MOVIE, the PLANES crash into the OCEAN and turn into SUBMERSIBLES.
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
What did I say about questioning my physics?
AUDIENCE
I’ll buy the planes/submersibles, but Joe’s plane
does not look airtight.
MORE GIANT ROBOTS!
FRANKY
I will nearly get myself killed so Polly can
appreciate me as a person.
POLLY
Bitch.
FRANKY takes out the GIANT ROBOTS and POLLY and JOE make it to the END of the MOVIE.
EXT. THE ISLAND
GIANT MUTATED CREATURE THAT RESEMBLE ANIMALS!
JOE
Hmm, now Totenkopf’s inventing creatures as well as
genetically manipulating elephants and humans.
AUDIENCE
Please, Conran. Just pick a plot. Please.
JOE and POLLY get chased around by INVENTED ANIMALS so POLLY can engage in her RUNNING GAG.
JOE
I cheated on you, Polly.
POLLY
I sabotaged your plane.
JOE
I’m over it.
AUDIENCE
WTF. How did sabotaging his plane get you anything, Polly?
And why aren’t you kicking her ass, Joe? What is wrong with you people?
INT. THE SECRET VOLCANO LAIR
POLLY
Why is there a giant spaceship? What does this have to do with anything?
DEX
I appear from nowhere! With scientists!
JOE
Good boy, Dex.
DEX
I’m not a dog, you jerk.
SCIENTISTS
Let me give you all the exposition in one giant block:
The vial Polly lost earlier was the genetic material
to create a new Adam and Eve. Or something.
Anyway, Totenkopf is making an ark to colonize
a new planet, since this one was evil to him. Oh,
and he’s destroying this planet while he’s at it.
AUDIENCE
I give up. Plot, I wash my hands of you.
JOE
Let’s find Totenkopf and kick his aging butt!
INT. TOTENKOPF’S OFFICE
HOLOGRAM TOTENKOPF
I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!
SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER hits 1000 RPMs.
AUDIENCE
I’m sorry, Conran. You are over your limit of one
Wizard of Oz reference per a movie.
JOE, POLLY, DEX and SCIENTISTS are attacked by…GUESS. That’s right, GIANT ROBOTS.
JOE
I have Dex’s ray gun! Fear my concentric circles!
The CONCENTRIC CIRCLES OF DOOM fail him. THEY take out the ROBOTS anyway, with some technical assistance from DEX.
JOE
Good boy, Dex.
DEX
STOP PATRONIZING ME!
TOTENKOPF
*is dead*
JOE
Uh, whoops.
SCIENTISTS
The robots are going on with Totenkopf’s work,
even though he has been dead for years. The only
way to stop it is to self destruct ship from the inside.
JOE
I shall do it, for I am the hero.
POLLY
I’ll come too, for I love you.
JOE
Wait, we love each other now?
POLLY
I’m fairly certain.
JOE sucker punches POLLY.
AUDIENCE
YES! I mean, no, Joe. That was wrong.
INT. SPACESHIP
MYSTERIOUS ASIAN WOMAN kicks JOE’S BUTT.
POLLY
Stupid jackass. This is why you needed me.
POLLY saves JOE. And then, PUNCHES HIM.
AUDIENCE
YES! I mean, no, Polly. That was wrong.
SPACESHIP takes off.
POLLY
We’re doomed! The scientists said there was no way
off the ship once it took off!
JOE
We still need to cross this narrow gantry to set the self-destruct,
and to create a scene from the classic Star Wars.
POLLY
Should I give you a kiss for good luck?
A GIANT STATUE inside the SPACESHIP falls apart under the STRESS of TAKE-OFF. STUFF is DESTROYED.
AUDIENCE
So, the genius Totenkopf designed a spaceship without
taking into account the stress off take-off on his decorations?
JOE AND POLLY
*REALLY BAD DIALOGUE*
MYSTERIOUS ASIAN WOMAN
*is a robot*
JOE AND POLLY
You’d think we might have been able to figure that out,
since, according to our sources, she hasn’t aged in decades.
JOE AND POLLY destroy ROBOT ASIAN WOMAN, save the ANIMALS, the WORLD and THEMSELVES.
POLLY
Because, suddenly, there’s an escape pod.
MOVIE
*REALLY TRITE, JOKEY ENDING*
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Mwhahahaha! I have written a really bad script that no one will
be able to criticize because I can argue that it is nostalgic!
MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
More Notes: Here's a more straight forward review of this movie. I'd just like to say that just because something's nostalgic, doesn't mean it isn't stupid too.
The dialogue in this movie was horrendously obvious, and the plot was incomprehensible. But every time I tried to point this out to someone, they would say, "But they used to make movies like that." Yes, they did. But there's a reason they stopped. We don't need expositional dialogue anymore. The reason the herione used to yell "Look out for the robot falling toward us!" is that you couldn't show the woman and the robot in the same shot without it being obviously fake. We can show both at the same time now, so expositional dialogue sounds stupid.
Just because "they used to make movies like that" is not a reason to do it now. It's just a cop-out for not writing interesting dialogue. Conran would have been fine invoking the visuals of 1920s and 30s movies. His visuals were brilliant, and reason enough to see the movie. Even the plot (if Conran had actually figured out what he wanted his plot to be) would have been fine with the evil, world destroying man, his giant robots, and his volcano lairs. It's cute; it's kitchy. But doing stupid things when you don't have to anymore is dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Nostalgia is no excuse for bad dialogue. Get an editor, Conran.
(Author’s Note: Sky Captain does not belong to me, but to Paramount Pictures. Dr. Evadne’s Warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation.)
FADE IN:
Okay, film crew? Let’s turn that soft focus up. All the way up.
SOFT FOCUS blurs the edges and makes COLOR practically DISAPPEAR.
There, that ought to make my film look noir-ish. And if not, at
least it will hide the fact that there isn’t a single natural background.
Now, give me a 1930s New York skyline. And a blimp! That’s cool!
EXT. GOTHAM CITY (NO, REALLY)
A BLIMP docks at what appears to be THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
Um, how is anyone going to disembark all the way up there?
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Do not question my nostalgic movie!
AUDIENCE
Whatever you say. And, “Hindenburg III”? What happened to “II?”
Have we learned nothing about giant, gas filled transportation?
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Now, what else will make my movie film noir? I know! A German!
DR. VARGAS
I want this boy to deliver a highly important, ultra-top-
secret note that I will not even fold in half to hide what it says.
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
And subtitles! Use subtitles!
DR. VARGAS
*subtitled*
And now I will mysteriously disappear.
INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE
Spinning newspaper reels! Eeeee!
POLLY PERKINS
I wish I were Lois Lane.
EDITOR MORRIS PALEY
Polly, scientists are disappearing left and right. Things are
dangerous. Don’t be stupid.
POLLY
Oh, I will.
INT. THEATRE
I am the most colorful thing in this movie.
DR. JENNINGS
I am in danger because I too am a scientist.
POLLY
Tell me more.
DR. JENNINGS
No, I cannot.
POLLY
Look, you’ve already involved me, so you might as well.
DR. JENNINGS
No, I must be mysterious!
CUE: CONVENIENTLY TIMED AIR SIRENS
Air raid!?
CAST
Worse! Giant robots!
It’s TRUE. GIANT ROBOTS!
Uh…klaatu barada nicto?
POLLY
I must recklessly disregard all personal safety because
my story is the only things that matters!
POLICE shoot at GIANT ROBOT with RIFLES. Yeah, right.
Only one thing can save us now! Sky Captain!
POLICE #2
Yes, one man with a plane will succeed where the entire
New York police department failed with their arsenal!
POLICE #1
I’m sorry, did you see our arsenal?
CONCENTRIC CIRCLES are sent across the nation to contact SKY CAPTAIN.
Please save us, Prince of Space…I mean, Sky Captain!
MEANWHILE, POLLY nearly gets herself KILLED. MULTIPLE TIMES.
My prettiness will save the day!
GIANT ROBOTS
POW! POW! POW!
GIANT ROBOTS are no match for JOE and his PLANE and MACHINE GUN and PRETTINESS.
Oh no! My camera has fallen down a storm drain!
And the giant robots are coming right at me!
AUDIENCE
Uh, Polly? If you leave it down the drain and hide, the
robots will just pass by and then you’ll be able to get it.
POLLY
Must get camera no matter what!
AUDIENCE
All right, Sweet Polly Purebred, it’s your funeral.
UNFORTUNATELY, JOE saves POLLY before she can get CRUSHED.
GIANT ROBOTS take off with FIREY JETS, liquidating the ground. POLLY, right at their feet, is not even SINGED.
Hi, Joe!
JOE
Man, she survived!
INT. SUPER SECRET SKY CAPTAIN BASE
So, do we know where the giant robots are coming from?
DEX
Not yet, but my brilliance and I are working on it.
JOE
Good boy, Dex.
DEX
…that’s not very nice, Joe.
JOE
I’ll just relax in my office now and…
POLLY
Hey, Joe.
JOE
Dammit.
POLLY
*BANTER*
JOE
*INNUENDO*
POLLY
*INSULT*
JOE
*RETORT*
POLLY
I have information, Joe. And I’m really pretty. You know
you want to work with me.
JOE
I think you sabotaged my plane years ago.
AUDIENCE
Uh…whoa. That’s serious.
POLLY
I think you cheated on me.
AUDIENCE
Not quite as serious, but you two have issues.
JOE
I’ll let you help us if you promise not to be stupid.
POLLY
Oh, I will.
JOE
…will promise not to be stupid? Or will be stupid?
POLLY
So, what do you know?
They know GIANT ROBOTS.
Dex is working on a way to track them. Good boy, Dex.
DEX
I’m ignoring you, Joe.
POLLY
I know a name: Totenkopf.
SOMEWHERE, SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER stirs in his GRAVE.
I also know a scientist who will likely die in the next scene.
INT. DARK WAREHOUSE
Let’s not turn on lights.
POLLY
Wow! Tiny elephants! I wonder what this has to do with the plot?
DR. JENNINGS suffers DEATH BY MYSTERIOUS ASIAN WOMAN.
I will chase the Mysterious Asian Woman so you can get
information you will keep from me, Polly.
DR. JENNINGS
Here, Polly, take this vial of plot element. Totenkopf needs it
for the plot to make sense.
*dies*
SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER rolls over in his grave.
Hmm, should I tell Joe I have something people will obviously
be trying to kill us to get? Nah.
CUE: CONVENIENTLY TIMED AIR SIRENS
My Lord, do we live in a state of constant siege now?
JOE
I must get back to my base!
AUDIENCE
But, your base is in a secret location, probably very far away,
and the robots are attacking now!
INT. SUPER SECRET SKY CAPTAIN BASE…WHICH IS RIGHT OVER THE HILL FROM THE CITY
…so the mercenary forces of Sky Captain live in the suburbs?
JOE
*ANGER*
POLLY
*ARGUE*
POLLY
I want to fly in the plane with you, Joe.
JOE
It’s too dangerous.
POLLY
Too bad.
GIANT ROBOTS
We found your secret base! It wasn’t that hard! At least
build a bunker, people!
They TAKE OFF. The place POLLY was standing is IMMEDIATELY BLOWN UP.
Damn! Missed again!
DEX
I’ll just stay here in the battle zone and trace where the signal
guiding the robots is coming from.
JOE
Good boy, Dex.
DEX
Joe, please stop that.
JOE and POLLY fly around GOTHAM CITY in a PLANE that handles like a CAR.
Physics? We don’t need no stinkin’ physics! This is my retro sci-fi movie!
POLLY
*OBVIOUS DIALOGUE*
JOE
*EQUALLY OBVIOUS RESPONSE*
They LIVE, but the GIANT ROBOTS escape, stealing GENERATORS.
Okay, so they need the generators to power their tiny-
animal making facility?
JOE
If only we knew what the key element of the plot was.
You have no idea, right?
POLLY
NO! I’m not keeping a secret! I mean, no, Joe.
MEANWHILE:
I have almost figured out from where the giant robots are coming!
SLIGHTLY SMALLER ROBOTS
Let us interrupt you!
DEX
Check out my sassy retro ray gun! Fear my concentric circles!
SLIGHTLY SMALLER ROBOTS get BLOWN UP, but DEX gets captured anyway.
Wait, why aren’t you just killing me? That would make more sense.
AUDIENCE
They can’t kill you! You’re too cool!
LATER:
Oh no! They have Dex! We must save him now, too.
If only we knew where they were!
POLLY
I’m an investigative reporter, Joe. I’ll figure it out.
POLLY looks DOWN.
Ah ha! Dex left a clue as to the robots’ location!
They’re in Tibet!
JOE
Luckily, I just happen to know someone there.
POLLY
My amazing ability to look down has saved us!
AUDIENCE
You’ve got to be kidding me.
EXT. A MAP
JOE and POLLY fly to TIBET, as illustrated by the MAP OVERLAY. They barely avoid crashing into INDIANA JONES on their way.
EXT. TIBET
I’m a sleezeball!
POLLY
My reporter’s instincts tell me not to trust this man.
EBIL ASIAN PEOPLES
No, honey, we’re the evil stereotypes, not him.
KAJI
Though I am pretty stereotypical. Let’s check out this mine.
JOE
What does Totenkopf need with a mine?
SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER rolls over a few more times.
POLLY immediately WANDERS OFF.
Uh, Polly? Polly? Where do you think you’re…nevermind.
JOE
Radiation! This mine is laced with uranium!
Or it’s a uranium mine, your choice.
We have to get out of here! Where’s Polly?
AUDIENCE
*facepalm*
POLLY
I’m in trouble!
EBIL ASIAN PEOPLES
Give us the vital plot element!
JOE
We don’t have it!
POLLY
Actually, we do.
POLLY gives away the VIAL OF PLOT.
Polly, this does not help me engender trust in you.
They get locked in a VAULT that’s filled with DYNAMITE about to EXPLODE.
Sorry.
JOE
“Sorry” is so not cutting it right now.
KAJI
*lets them out*
So…are we escaping anytime today?
Because things are about to explode.
POLLY
Wait, I must save my film! My story is still top priority!
JOE
No! You’re living and that’s it!
AUDIENCE
Let her go, Joe. Really, your life will be so much easier.
He saves her ANYWAY. EVERYONE passes out in the SNOW.
INT. A BED
Holy crap, I’m naked!
JOE
*INNUENDO*
POLLY
Now is not the time, Joe.
JOE
*REJOINDER*
POLLY
I said, knock it off.
KAJI
Well, I thought it was clever.
GOOD ASIAN PERSON
I have saved you. Get lost.
JOE
Wait, where are we?
KAJI
Some call it Shamballah. Others, Eden. But some call it…
AUDIENCE
*sings*
The world is a circle that never begins, and nobody
knows where the circle ends!
KAJI (cont.)
Shangri-La.
GOOD ASIAN PERSON
Got it in one. Now, beat it.
JOE
Wait, we’re looking for someone…
CUE: UNNECESSARY DRAMATIC PAUSE
Totenkopf.
AUDIENCE
Dun, dun, DUN!
In his GRAVE, SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER performs a FORWARD DOUBLE SOMERSAULT with a HALF TWIST.
Totenkopf experimented on our people and enslaved us.
I guess I can help you if you’re looking for him.
He’s on an island, far, far from here.
AUDIENCE
Then why were the robots going to Tibet?
MAN MUTATED BY TOTENKOPF
Kill me.
JOE
Holy shit, this guy is evil!
AUDIENCE
Wait, Totenkopf’s running experiments on people now?
What about the elephant? And those generators?
What’s going on?!
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Only I truly know the plot! Mwahahaha!
EXT. SHANGRI-LA
Okay, Joe. I’m ready to banter again. Do you like my new
outfit from the Tibetans, designed by STELLA MCCARTHY?
JOE
*MOCK*
POLLY
*COMEBACK*
POLLY discovers she only has TWO PICTURES left on her ALL-IMPORTANT CAMERA, thus setting up a RUNNING GAG.
Oh, like you have any right to criticize running gags,
Miss One-Note-Joke Author.
SHUT UP.
EXT. OCEAN MAP OVERLAY
I know someone near Totenkopf’s island, too.
POLLY
Who?
JOE
Our very special guest star, Angelina Jolie!
AUDIENCE
Oh, yeah. I thought she was in this movie.
JOE (cont.)
Good thing too, as we are almost out of gas,
thus setting up a small amount of tension.
The TENSION amounts to NOTHING.
EXT. AIR SHIP OF THE FUTURE
I’m here for my glorified cameo!
AUDIENCE
Can’t concentrate…distracted by…Franky’s eyebrows!
JOE
Help us.
FRANKY
Only if you let me mock Polly.
JOE
If you feel it’s necessary. She does a pretty good
job of it on her own, though.
POLLY
Why am I wearing high heels again? Are they Tibetan
formal wear? Whoops! Tripped!
FRANKY
You’re right, Joe. Too easy. I’ll help you though,
because we used to be lovers.
POLLY
I knew it!
FRANKY
Don’t touch anything on my airship. Something bad will happen.
WHOOPS! POLLY knocks something on the AIR SHIP. LIGHTS flash and NOISES sound.
Oh no!
NOTHING HAPPENS.
Okay, I lied. It’s not that bad. Let’s get you on that island.
EXT. THE OCEAN
JOE, FRANKY and FRANKY’S FORCES crash their PLANES into the OCEAN, which rips off the WINGS, causing the planes to burst into FLAMES and SINK.
Oh, wait, no. That’s what would happen in the real world.
IN THE MOVIE, the PLANES crash into the OCEAN and turn into SUBMERSIBLES.
What did I say about questioning my physics?
AUDIENCE
I’ll buy the planes/submersibles, but Joe’s plane
does not look airtight.
MORE GIANT ROBOTS!
I will nearly get myself killed so Polly can
appreciate me as a person.
POLLY
Bitch.
FRANKY takes out the GIANT ROBOTS and POLLY and JOE make it to the END of the MOVIE.
EXT. THE ISLAND
GIANT MUTATED CREATURE THAT RESEMBLE ANIMALS!
Hmm, now Totenkopf’s inventing creatures as well as
genetically manipulating elephants and humans.
AUDIENCE
Please, Conran. Just pick a plot. Please.
JOE and POLLY get chased around by INVENTED ANIMALS so POLLY can engage in her RUNNING GAG.
I cheated on you, Polly.
POLLY
I sabotaged your plane.
JOE
I’m over it.
AUDIENCE
WTF. How did sabotaging his plane get you anything, Polly?
And why aren’t you kicking her ass, Joe? What is wrong with you people?
INT. THE SECRET VOLCANO LAIR
Why is there a giant spaceship? What does this have to do with anything?
DEX
I appear from nowhere! With scientists!
JOE
Good boy, Dex.
DEX
I’m not a dog, you jerk.
SCIENTISTS
Let me give you all the exposition in one giant block:
The vial Polly lost earlier was the genetic material
to create a new Adam and Eve. Or something.
Anyway, Totenkopf is making an ark to colonize
a new planet, since this one was evil to him. Oh,
and he’s destroying this planet while he’s at it.
AUDIENCE
I give up. Plot, I wash my hands of you.
JOE
Let’s find Totenkopf and kick his aging butt!
INT. TOTENKOPF’S OFFICE
I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!
SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER hits 1000 RPMs.
I’m sorry, Conran. You are over your limit of one
Wizard of Oz reference per a movie.
JOE, POLLY, DEX and SCIENTISTS are attacked by…GUESS. That’s right, GIANT ROBOTS.
I have Dex’s ray gun! Fear my concentric circles!
The CONCENTRIC CIRCLES OF DOOM fail him. THEY take out the ROBOTS anyway, with some technical assistance from DEX.
Good boy, Dex.
DEX
STOP PATRONIZING ME!
TOTENKOPF
*is dead*
JOE
Uh, whoops.
SCIENTISTS
The robots are going on with Totenkopf’s work,
even though he has been dead for years. The only
way to stop it is to self destruct ship from the inside.
JOE
I shall do it, for I am the hero.
POLLY
I’ll come too, for I love you.
JOE
Wait, we love each other now?
POLLY
I’m fairly certain.
JOE sucker punches POLLY.
YES! I mean, no, Joe. That was wrong.
INT. SPACESHIP
MYSTERIOUS ASIAN WOMAN kicks JOE’S BUTT.
Stupid jackass. This is why you needed me.
POLLY saves JOE. And then, PUNCHES HIM.
YES! I mean, no, Polly. That was wrong.
SPACESHIP takes off.
We’re doomed! The scientists said there was no way
off the ship once it took off!
JOE
We still need to cross this narrow gantry to set the self-destruct,
and to create a scene from the classic Star Wars.
POLLY
Should I give you a kiss for good luck?
A GIANT STATUE inside the SPACESHIP falls apart under the STRESS of TAKE-OFF. STUFF is DESTROYED.
So, the genius Totenkopf designed a spaceship without
taking into account the stress off take-off on his decorations?
JOE AND POLLY
*REALLY BAD DIALOGUE*
MYSTERIOUS ASIAN WOMAN
*is a robot*
JOE AND POLLY
You’d think we might have been able to figure that out,
since, according to our sources, she hasn’t aged in decades.
JOE AND POLLY destroy ROBOT ASIAN WOMAN, save the ANIMALS, the WORLD and THEMSELVES.
Because, suddenly, there’s an escape pod.
MOVIE
*REALLY TRITE, JOKEY ENDING*
DIRECTOR KERRY CONRAN
Mwhahahaha! I have written a really bad script that no one will
be able to criticize because I can argue that it is nostalgic!
MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
More Notes: Here's a more straight forward review of this movie. I'd just like to say that just because something's nostalgic, doesn't mean it isn't stupid too.
The dialogue in this movie was horrendously obvious, and the plot was incomprehensible. But every time I tried to point this out to someone, they would say, "But they used to make movies like that." Yes, they did. But there's a reason they stopped. We don't need expositional dialogue anymore. The reason the herione used to yell "Look out for the robot falling toward us!" is that you couldn't show the woman and the robot in the same shot without it being obviously fake. We can show both at the same time now, so expositional dialogue sounds stupid.
Just because "they used to make movies like that" is not a reason to do it now. It's just a cop-out for not writing interesting dialogue. Conran would have been fine invoking the visuals of 1920s and 30s movies. His visuals were brilliant, and reason enough to see the movie. Even the plot (if Conran had actually figured out what he wanted his plot to be) would have been fine with the evil, world destroying man, his giant robots, and his volcano lairs. It's cute; it's kitchy. But doing stupid things when you don't have to anymore is dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Nostalgia is no excuse for bad dialogue. Get an editor, Conran.
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Priceless!
In his GRAVE, SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER performs a FORWARD DOUBLE SOMERSAULT with a HALF TWIST.
*howls with laughter* My night = made.
Thank you!
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Good boy, Dex.
DEX
…that’s not very nice, Joe.
You know... I always wondered about this when watching the movie. That is, I wondered whenever my eyes is not tearing from the soft focus
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I'm amazed we could see anything through that soft focus.
Army of Darkness
(Anonymous) 2004-11-04 06:31 am (UTC)(link)AUDIENCE
Uh…klaatu barada nicto?
If it was, that kicks serious ass. I love that movie!
Re: Army of Darkness
So, I got two, two, two references in one!
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I am now officially in a good mood. Thanks!
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Glad you're in a good mood.
*falls over giggling*
Uh…klaatu barada nicto?
I loved that line. Army of Darkness rocks! Thank you for posting this. It cheered me up immensely after the disappointment of the election yesterday. *sigh*
--Meg
Re: *falls over giggling*
Realism was not even considered for this movie.
Actually, I meant the "klaatu" line as a reference to "The Day the Earth Stood Still," because the robots in this movie looked an awful lot like the robot in that movie.
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For thee,
Oh and by the way proudlijaholic, I luv your pic and your name!! ^^ Lij rules the world!!! (or at least he SHOULD!!)
Re: For thee,
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Did my eyes deceive me, or did you miss a chance to bring in Gigolo Joe from Artificial Intelligence? I kept waiting for at least one "Whataya know, Joe?" in honor of Jude Law's own glorified cameo in that flick!
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I'd be happier if Polly just died. Really. Can you tell I don't like her much?
I have blocked A.I. from my memory. I am unable to reference it for that reason.
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Great, hilarious!
(Anonymous) 2004-11-06 01:43 pm (UTC)(link)But the LOTR are still my faves! ;)
And I was wondering where, "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "Spider-Man" and the other Breadbox editions were! Did you throw them away or?
Well.. at least they're great.. you've got some talent! :P
Re: Great, hilarious!
I'm glad you enjoyed this one. Thanks for reading.
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You rock ^_^
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Yes, one man with a plane will succeed where the entire
New York police department failed with their arsenal!
POLICE #1
I’m sorry, did you see our arsenal?
ROFL. This was my favorite part of the entire BBE. LOL. I was wondering about the police during the movies. "Ahhh! Giant robots are attacking!"
"Quick, get the rifles!"
XD Awesome! So very, very awesome. Thank you so much!
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Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!
"Now sit back kiddies while I rant."
And Polly don't even get me started!! I think the main reason I'm glad we don't have movies like that anymore is because of the ridicusly stupid women who trip because they wear 5" heels while trapsing through a forest.
My eyes hurt SO badly from trying to get that movie into focus, my brother's biggest complaint is that everthing in the for-ground is the exact same color as it is in the backround.
But yes it was a pretty movie, with pretty (stupid) people. And your WHOLE BBE made me cry with laughter, so I can't quote one single line. If you want me to quote my favorite line, go back and read the whole thing!!! *sorry for the ranting* ^_^
Re: "Now sit back kiddies while I rant."
And yes, the lack of colors made my eyes water.
I suppose I should warn people better about seeing bad movies. It's really not worth the eye strain to read a parody.
Just Passing Through
(Anonymous) 2005-03-26 09:55 pm (UTC)(link)What terrible, terrible dialogue that movie had. I'm glad you made so many references to that fact that just because they USED to do things like that, doesn't make it cool.
I wish I could say I enjoyed Angelina Jolie's character more, but unfortunately, since I work at a movie theatre and someone took the cardboard cutout of SC&WOT, chopped Angelina's head off with a craftknife and sellotaped it under her arm so that she appears to be holding it like the headless horseman...well, you can see why I was so distracted.
But brilliant BBE as always. Out of curiosity, will there be any more breadboxes in the future? I can understand if you are too overloaded with "real life" work to quell our insatiable need for parody, but I'd love to know what's next on your agenda, if anything.
Re: Just Passing Through
I am actually amused by your Headless!Angelina story, as I am not her biggest fan. That is something I would totally do. Sorry it ruined Franky for you, though.
Right now I do not have time for more BBEs because I am writing a thesis, a proposal and a PR campaign, and am therefore very, very busy. However, come summer I will have only a part-time job until the end of June, and then a part-time job and a class until the end of August. That is when I will be doing BBEs again, starting with Spider-Man 2.
If, in the meantime, I see a really terrible movie, however, I will probably slowly write a BBE for that (you know, if "Sahara" makes me want to kill myself or something). But it would take several weeks, as I do not have a lot of time right now.
Mrs One-Note Joke Auhtor?
Seriously, I was so certain...
Re: Mrs One-Note Joke Auhtor?
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You know, I had wanted to see this in theatres. I am so glad I didn't. I swear, it was something I'd expect to see on MST3K.
In his GRAVE, SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER performs a FORWARD DOUBLE SOMERSAULT with a HALF TWIST.
It was at that amusing note that I finally looked him up on Wikipedia.
JOE, FRANKY and FRANKY’S FORCES crash their PLANES into the OCEAN, which rips off the WINGS, causing the planes to burst into FLAMES and SINK.
AUDIENCE
Oh, wait, no. That’s what would happen in the real world.
IN THE MOVIE, the PLANES crash into the OCEAN and turn into SUBMERSIBLES.
That was beautiful.
And there were quite a few more lines I wanted to quote, but I didn't want the comment to be too long.
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I'm glad you liked it! I'm glad you commented because I hadn't re-read this one is a while.