The Odyssey: Breadbox Edition: Book One

[evadne_noel]

All right, according to the poll (which was really close, but there were some 11th hour votes), a plurality (48%) opted for the "one book at a time" approach. Therefore, here's the first post for The Odyssey: Breadbox Edition.



Authors Note: The Odyssey is certainly not mine, but Homer's, assuming there was such a person. The translation I used was the Robert Fagles.

THE ODYSSEY: BREADBOX EDITION

BOOK ONE: ATHENA SMACKS SOME SENSE INTO THE PRINCE

POET
Tell, O Muse, of Odysseus, the man who returned home from
Troy to slay the suitors annoying his wife, but only after blinding a
Cyclops, avoiding the sirens, sleeping with Circe, watching his
men get killed by the Sungod, and being trapped by Calypso.

MUSE
Look, do you want to tell this story?

INT. OLYMPUS – HOME OF THE GODS

POSEIDON
Hey, guys. I’m going to a great party at the Ethiopians’. They’ve got rams
and everything. Anyone want to come with? No? Well, I’ll be back later.
No one countermand any of my divine proclamations while I’m gone.

ZEUS
Can you believe the stupidity of mortals?
Blaming the gods for things that are only partially our fault.

ATHENA
Yeah, that’s great, Dad. You know whom I was thinking about
yesterday? Odysseus. You know, smart guy, yea high, Trojan horse?

ZEUS
I know who he is. So what?

ATHENA
He wants to go home. We could make that happen.

ZEUS
I don’t know. Poseidon will get upset.

ATHENA
Okay, who is Poseidon?

ZEUS
Uh, the King of the Seas?

ATHENA
And who are you?

ZEUS
King of the Gods?

ATHENA
And which one of you has more power?

ZEUS
Oh, yeah. All right, send Odysseus home!

EXT. ODYSSEUS' PALACE

TELEMACHUS
Woe! Woe for the father I can’t even remember! Woe for my
put upon mother! Woe for my extreme emoness! Woe!

ATHENA
Maybe I should get Telemachus to go on a journey before his
father gets home. Don’t want Odysseus discovering his son is a wuss.

SUITORS
We’re bastards!

ATHENA
Wow, the sooner Odysseus comes home, the better.

TELEMACHUS
I couldn’t agree more. Welcome to my father’s palace.
And now…WE EAT!

THEY EAT.

ATHENA
So…Telemachus. Let’s pretend I’m Mentes, though you somehow
know I’m a god. Things suck here.

TELEMACHUS
My father Odysseus could fix this.

ATHENA
Then why don’t you try looking for him? Make a name for yourself.
Don’t you want to be as famous as Orestes?

TELEMACHUS
All things considered…no, not really.

ATHENA
Go anyway. It’ll give you something to do other than whine all day.

TELEMACHUS
You’re the most inspiring person I’ve ever met.

ATHENA
And that depresses me.

The SUITORS come in, EAT EVERYTHING and TALK SMACK to TELEMACHUS. PHEMIUS sings about DEPRESSING THINGS.

PENELOPE
Stop that. You’re making me cry.

TELEMACHUS
Go to your room, mother! Don’t bother us men-folk
with your girly crying!

READER
Excuse me, little brat? Being inspired to greatness is no
reason to talk to your mother like that.

TELEMACHUS
Suitors, I want you all to leave. I’m a man now, and I
want you out of my house.

ANTINOUS
Or what? You’ll whine at us some more?

TELEMACHUS
Zeus will pay you back with a vengeance if you don’t.

ANTINOUS
Whatever. Let’s eat some more.

THEY EAT.

Up Next: Book Two: Telemachus Gets His Ass in Gear.

Comments

great stuff...

[helena-dancer.livejournal.com]

I'm totally unfamiliar with what happens in the first ... don't remember ... eight or so books, as in school we only read the parts with Odysseus. And I don't even really remember what I did read, since it was five years ago. But anyway, I like it.

BTW, are you doing nanowrimo this year?

Re: great stuff...

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

The first, like, six books of The Odyssey are incredibly boring. It's just Telemachus going around trying to piece together what happened to Odysseus from other people. It doesn't effect the action at all because Odysseus gets home fine without his son's help. But, lucky you, I'll give you the condensed version!

Nah, I don't do nanowrimo. I don't have a novel in me at this point.

[deadndried.livejournal.com]

would u ever like to see your BBE become films, evadne?

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

They're rarely complete enough to be actual films, but it would be really cool to see if a short film could be made out of them.

[dancerofflames.livejournal.com]

Oh goodness, the memories from freshman year in high school...we had to do a bigass individual project on one of the books, and I got the one about Circe. Can you believe how much a B- on a project killed my grade? The horror!

This seems to be healing the wound, however. Excellent job thus far. ^^

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Well, at least you got a good chapter to do a project on, and not one of the early, boring chapters. Sorry the project killed your grade; too bad so much weight was put on one project. Though, I am glad that this seems to be helping a little.

[tallisen.livejournal.com]

Omg! *points at self* In loooooooove! More! more! :)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Yay! Don't worry, there'll be more before too long. Book by book is an easy way to write.

[achipiquonque.livejournal.com]

Very funny, as per normal. This does make a great BBE. I'm ejoying it.

Have I suggested Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind as a BBE yet?

[achipiquonque.livejournal.com]

I'm enjoying it so much that I forgot the 'n'.

[byakuganchick.livejournal.com]

Oh yay! New Breadbox Editions! I am so very happy.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad it made you happy. Many short BBEs to follow.

[dreamstrifer.livejournal.com]

This is just beautiful. Seriously. I think I'm in love with you (in a totally heterosexual and non-sexual way... does that even make sense?).

The eating, oh the eating!! *dies of happiness*

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I think all you need is the nonsexual love part, but don't worry, it makes sense. Your platonic love is wonderful.

And now...WE EAT!

*dreamstrifer and evadne_noel EAT.

[dachickindahat.livejournal.com]

Eeeeeeeeeee! Where were you when I had to read this for class? I would have so loved to quote this in class. I would offer you my love, but it appears someone has already beaten me to it. Damn!

I guess I can only offer you my undying... fangirlishness! Woe for waiting for the next chapter! Woe!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Sadly, I cannot account for my whereabouts when you were in class. I hope the presence of the BBE now helps mitigate this oversight.

Well, I have room for lots of platonic love, but I accept your fangirlishness!

[harpergrey.livejournal.com]

How about worship, do you have enough of that? ('Cause I can bow and scrape with the best of 'em. *g*) *overflows with much love for BBEs of the Classics* ;)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Yay! Thank you! I'm glad you like the Classics. I really think they deserve more love (and mockery!).

[non-canon.livejournal.com]

You win at life. That's all there is to it.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Neeeat. But what does one win? An interesting life?

[gaffsie.livejournal.com]

Haha, Telemachus is a bit wussy in the books, isn't he? It's great that you have decided to take on the classics. I'm looking forward to the next installment. :)

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Too bad Telemachus has to get his own little journey sidestory, huh? He's not nearly as cool as his dad, though he luckily starts to assert himself later.

Next installment soon, I swear.

[johanirae.livejournal.com]

You have once again proved that we are all at your utter mercy. BRING ON THE WINE!

POET
Tell, O Muse, of Odysseus, the man who returned home from
Troy to slay the suitors annoying his wife, but only after blinding a
Cyclops, avoiding the sirens, sleeping with Circe, watching his
men get killed by the Sungod, and being trapped by Calypso.

MUSE
Look, do you want to tell this story?

LOLOLOLOL. But yet somehow these kinda lines keep popping up in those darned Greek Myths

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I swear, poets in those days were all about asking the Muses for help and then promptly ignoring them. Poor Muse. She still gets to sit around with her sisters being creative all day, though.

More wine!

WE EAT

[paderau.livejournal.com]

So I'm without internet access at home. I hopped on a train at 7 this morning so I could get to the library and type something due at 11 before my 9 ante meridian class because the library will be packed the rest of the day.

Naturally, I've taken time out from writing my Works Cited to read this. It's brilliant. I'm in awe, my cup runneth over, all that jazz.

TELEMACHUS
You’re the most inspiring person I’ve ever met.

ATHENA
And that depresses me.
I love Athena more than I ever have before now. That is saying a lot, as I really liked Athena when I was about 8-10. She was my favorite!

-Uriel

THEY EAT

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Oh no! I'm distracting people! Well, I hope you got your Works Cited done. And that you get your Internet back soon.

Athena is so the best of the Greek gods and goddesses. She doesn't really get caught up in the sordid doings, and rarely loses her head (except for Arachnee).

Wonderful!

[makani.livejournal.com]

Wonderful, as always! I can't wait for more.

Re: Wonderful!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I promise there'll be more before too long.

[tanaraniel.livejournal.com]

Go, Athena - common sense of the gods!

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Athena: Goddess of Duh. Only ever made one mistake in her life (seriously, competing with Hera and Aphrodite?).

[smilevampy.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear.. I believe I have ruptured something whilst reading this! Hilarious, I tell you! "Can you believe the stupidity of mortals?
Blaming the gods for things that are only partially our fault." OMGWTFGENIUS

Okay, so I never actually read The Odessey, only parts of during freshmen year. And then we watched the TV movie movie where Hermes was all yellow and sparkly and wore a diaper and said "A-a-ah, I can show, but I can't touch..." *shudders* Oh the horror...

Have you ever considered doing a BBE on Oedipus the King? With your mastery of Grecian snark, you could probably run wild with it...

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

That TV movie was horrible, and Hermes gave me nightmares. Way to be creepy, guy.

Well, my next "Classics" BBE is going to be the first book of The Faerie Queen, because I hate Redcrosse, but we'll see how this Greek stuff goes before I do another.

[ricardienne.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think that I retroactively retract my vote for BBEs in groups of four chapters. This is much better.

I had to read the prose translation by J. Rouse in 9th grade; he decided to do it in "modern vernacular," that is to say 1920's British slang. The suitors sound like bad imitations of Bertie Wooster and Euricleia has a Cockney accent.

Not that that is particularly relevent to this.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Not that that is particularly relevent to this.

No, but it is HI-larious, and that's all that matters.

Glad you liked it!

[dt_maxwell.livejournal.com]

*stands up and applauds* Awesome job, so far! ^_^ Parodies of great classical literature, we need more of. Muahaha.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Classic literature is just ripe for the snark. Glad you like it!

[saraswathi-rani.livejournal.com]

I read the Odyssey in 9th grade, and all the memories of Telemachus's extreme wussiness are coming back. Ay. Love the way you wrote Athena, though.

MUSE
Look, do you want to tell this story?

*dies*

*wubs you*

:)

[saraswathi-rani.livejournal.com]

Oh- Also, can I friend you? I don't know if you friend people back, but...

Just Passing Through

[(Anonymous)]

Why hasn't someone made you Queen yet? Possibly because they're trying to get you elected Supreme Ruler of the Universe first.

I can't thank you enough. I am studying the Odyssey right now and today we got to read book 22, when Odysseus and Telemachus open up a can of whip-ass on the suitors. Then they hang the maids. Then they hack Melanthius into bits. Slowly.
I really lost a lot of innocence reading book 22. Thank goodness you have submerged me in the simplicity of humour once more. You are too great.

Cheers,
Tawa

Re: Just Passing Through

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Man, at least you're into the good part of the story, instead of at the "Telemachus travels and eats" part of the story. But, yeah, those Greeks were vicious when you hit on their wives/mothers.

*cheers*

[hobbit-eyes.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much!!! I'm such a Classics nut, and no-one else has done this... except for this parody of the Odyssey about two guys trying to get home from the pub one night... but that was just weird... I'll probably end up showing this to my Latin teacher!

Re: *cheers*

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Yay, I'm glad you like it so much. The Classics make for such good fodder. I hope it's good enough for your Latin teacher.

[clearlyclayr.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm such a geek.

I love this.

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

Yes, another geek! Let us revel in our geekness together. And now...WE EAT!

[sylvacoer.livejournal.com]

Dammit, I really wish you hadn't had to pull out of ff.net because of their stupid "no script" rule! Ever since reading your "Beowulf," I've always hoped you'd take on another saga (and this beign the "saga of sagas"...). Highly amusing - going to read the next one right away! *whaps telemachus for being a little prick*

[evadne-noel.livejournal.com]

I wonder if the amount of badfic has gone down after the "no script" rule. I suspect not, as I that stuff grows to fill voids.

But I'm glad you like this (and want to hit Telemachus, who deserves it so bad.)