evadne_noel: A man and the cresent moon in a rowboat (PotC2 BBE icon by lm_jillybean)
[personal profile] evadne_noel
Yes, I'm shocked too.

Title: For the Honeymoon
Author: Evadne Noel
Fandom: Pirates of the Caribbean
Pairings: Will/Elizabeth
Rating: PG for innuendo
Disclaimer: It does not belong to me, but to Disney.
Summary: You didn't expect that Captain Jack Sparrow would miss their wedding, did you? A speculative ending.

“It’s hideous,” proclaimed Governor Swann, as if that were that.

“I don’t know,” replied Elizabeth. “I think it’s rather charming myself. In an exotic, unattractive, perhaps hide it in the root cellar next to the canned peaches sort of way.”

“Never mind how it looks,” said Will. “Jack will have to take it back. Won’t you, Jack?”

“I don’t know, lad,” replied the pirate, “I don’t think the natives I borrowed it from will be particularly pleased to see Captain Jack Sparrow again.”

Most people are not particularly pleased to see Captain Jack Sparrow again, our wedding guests now included,” snapped Will. “I should think you’d be used to the feeling by now.”

“Nonsense,” replied Jack, turning and waving to the clucking crowd of overdressed ladies and gentlemen who had come to attend the wedding of the Governor’s daughter, but ended up backed into an alcove after the arrival of, Heaven help them, pirates. “They’re thrilled to see me. Aren’t you?” he raised his voice so they could hear him. “Yes, you are! Enjoy the excitement! Try the veal!” He turned back to the small group gathered around him, shaking his head. “Honestly, you’d think they’d never seen a pirate delivering a fertility goddess to his friends before.”

Elizabeth walked circles around Jack’s wedding gift, pausing at the back. “What do you suppose this is, tucked up against her…oh! Oh, my! That’s rather clever, actually. Father, come here and look at this.”

“Jack,” sighed Will with exasperation, as Governor Swann gasped in astonishment, “we can’t take this. We have nowhere to put it that wouldn’t scandalize the entire island.”

“It’s not meant for public display,” replied Jack, leaning in to Will to nudge the bridegroom with his elbows. “It’s for the boudoir. That’s why they’re called fertility goddesses.”

Leaving Will slack jawed and speechless, Jack called for his crew, gesticulating wildly, “Come along, boys! Let’s leave the lovebirds to their newly propitious honeymoon!”

When the rowdy crew had gone, Governor Swann went to round up the bleating wedding guests and herd them back to the chapel. Elizabeth smiled after her father, and then looped her arm through Will’s, drawing him closer. “It wasn’t that bad, love. No matter what the guests say now, all they’ll be able to talk about for months is how terrible pirates interrupted the Turner-Swann wedding.”

She walked over to the gift, trailed by a despondent Will. “It’s certainly not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, though I don’t think I’d want it in our bedchamber.” Will forgot his frustration with Jack, the ugliness of Jack’s gift, and the ruin of his wedding as his feet, his spine, his brain, and most definitely his heart, melted at Elizabeth’s words and choice of emphasis. He almost didn’t notice Elizabeth’s hand drifting precariously close to the fertility goddess’s head.

“Don’t touch it,” said Will, pulling away Elizabeth’s hand. “It’s probably cursed.”

Title: More Than Fair
Author: Evadne Noel
Fandom: Pirates of the Caribbean
Pairings: Well, that's up to you, isn't it?
Rating: G
Disclaimer: It does not belong to me, but to Disney.
Summary: Whatever else you might say about Jack, he deals fairly. A speculative ending.

It was true, argued a crewman to his mates, that having a lady on board was bad luck. However, one had to take into account the fact that there were two ladies on board. The bad luck accrued from such a situation was so great that it collapsed in upon itself and came out the other side as good luck.

And while the other crewmembers found this logic to be somewhat lacking, they could not argue with the success of their Captain and her First Mate. They had never been richer, never been more secure against the Navy, and never freer in their race around the Caribbean. Besides, concluded another crewman, it wasn’t as if the Captain and the First Mate were actual ladies anyhow.

They were pirates.

While their crew was gossiping, these two pirate ladies were engaging in their favorite sport, after forcibly boarding other ships and relieving the occupants of their valuables: bashing a certain male pirate of their acquaintance, who, one has to admit, certainly deserved it.

“And then he stole my boat!” cried the Mate to the Captain, who had heard this story before, but didn’t like to stop the Mate once she had got going.

“Well, he stole my fiancé,” the Captain replied, much more calmly than one would think that statement deserved.

“I still say you ought to have done something about it,” replied the Mate, who frequently attempted to goad the Captain in the direction of “doing something about it.”

“Well, it wasn’t all bad,” answered the Captain. “He did, after all, offer me this fine vessel as compensation.”

The Mate had to admit this was more than fair.

Meanwhile, many, many, many leagues away, on another fine ship that really didn’t deserve to be blown up, mutinied upon or sunk by mythical sea creatures as often as she was, were two gentlemen having a related conversation. Not actual gentlemen, mind you, no more than our aforementioned ladies were actual ladies (even if one of them was). Admittedly, one could be termed a gentleman on account of the goodness of his heart, and the altruistic nature of his deeds. The other could never be mistaken for a gentleman. Clergyman, yes; gentleman, no.

Regardless of the relative nature of their social statuses, they were having a conversation:

“She traded me for a boat?!”

“Ship, mate. Ship.”
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March 2009

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