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evadne_noelWell, party peoples, I finally have Internet again. Technically, I had it a few days ago, but I was too busy to do anything important. But now that I'm up and running again, here's the last LotR Breadbox. Hooray!
(Author’s Note: Lord of the Rings belongs to the Tolkien estate and New Line Cinemas, and not to me, which we should all be glad about. Inspiration for BBE parodies from Rod Hilton and the Editing Room. Thanks to Molly and Marty for seeing this with me and brainstorming. Dr. Evadne’s warning: Take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to heed the warning is responsible for their own indignation.)
RETURN OF THE KING: LORD OF THE RINGS: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Hmmm…how should I start my movie…?
I know! How about a flashback?
EXT. RIVER
SMEAGOL
Look at the worm. Looooook at the woooorm.
This is what I shall become. Symbolically speaking.
DEAGOL
You know, Smeagol, you were pretty creepy
looking even before the Ring.
SMEAGOL
It’s the eyes. Oh look, a fish!
A FISH drags DEAGOL into the river.
THE RING
Two thousand years at the bottom of a river.
Maybe gold has come back into style.
DEAGOL
Yes, that was my hand in “Fellowship.”
THE RING
Quit poking me! Ouch! Stop it! Oh, you are so dead!
SMEAGOL
Shiiiiiny. Give me the Ring.
DEAGOL
No. I want it.
THE RING
Aiight! Five minutes back in circulation and I’ve
already started a catfight!
SMEAGOL
Please…? Wait, I don’t have to be polite. DIE!
DEAGOL dies.
SMEAGOL
And now I will switch to narration.
BAD THINGS happen to SMEAGOL.
SMEAGOL (cont.)
The Ring turned me into a CGI character. And it
made me into the Ozzy Osbourne of Middle Earth.
SMEAGOL/GOLLUM bites the head off a CATFISH.
AUDIENCE
Oh. That’s always nice.
SMEAGOL/GOLLUM
But enough about me. I’m sure you’re anxious to get back
to poor, tormented, adorable Frodo.
EXT. NEW ZEALAND
SAM
C’mon, Frodo. Let me fuss over you.
Did you sleep? Eat? Brush your hair?
AUDIENCE
Lembas bread. The Poptarts of Middle Earth.
FRODO
I’m fine.
THE RING
No, you’re not.
FRODO
Shut up, you. Gold has not come back into style.
GOLLUM
Let’s go, everyone. Our travelling scenes really
aren’t the most interesting parts of the movie.
SAM
Don’t worry too much, Frodo. I’ve planned every
moment of our journey out. Even the trip home.
AUDIENCE
How cute. Sam thinks there’s going to be a trip home.
EXT. LAKE ISENGARD
ARAGORN
So…where did all these trees come from?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Buy the “The Two Towers: Extended Edition!”
LEGOLAS
And where did the Elves who helped out at
Helm’s Deep go? Did they all die? Is that possible?
PIPPIN AND MERRY
Never mind all that! Just revel in our last moments as comic relief.
SARUMAN
So, Gandalf, you have come to Isengard to break my power.
GANDALF
Do you hear something?
ARAGORN
No. Why do you ask?
SARUMAN
Hey! Up here! Main villain of the last movie?
TREEBEARD
Hooom. I’m glad you’ve come, Gandalf. There’s a
wizard to be dealt with.
GANDALF
Yes. But, we’re not going to do it.
SARUMAN
Grima, throw the palantir at them. See if that gets their attention.
PIPPIN
Hey! Pretty thing in the water!
GANDALF
Where’d that come from? Give to Daddy.
Now, back to Rohan!
SARUMAN
Wait! Don’t go! I’ll share my delicious pound cake recipe!
EXT. EDORAS
EOWYN stands around outside of the HALL waiting for everyone to return. AGAIN.
AUDIENCE
Eowyn, don’t you have anything better to do?
Running the country in your uncle’s absence, perhaps?
THEODEN
We have returned victorious! Everyone party!
“BEOWULF” breaks out.
EOWYN
Aragorn, I am obviously smitten with you.
THEODEN
I see your attraction for Aragorn. I am happy for you.
EOWYN
Uncle! Nothing happened! He’s just leading me on.
ARAGORN
I should let you down now before this gets out of hand.
But, I’m not going to.
MERRY AND PIPPIN do STUPID THINGS, just for old time’s sake.
GANDALF bops. It’s very DISTURBING.
ARAGORN
Everyone’s so happy. I feel I must be depressing.
AUDIENCE
Quit bringing the room down, Aragorn!
GANDALF
Yeah, that’s my job.
EXT. A RIVER
SAM and FRODO sleep while GOLLUM schemes. Because the AUDIENCE has never seen THIS SCENE before.
SMEAGOL
Good thing this river is here.
GOLLUM
Yes, because we were running out of ways to
portray our inner conflict. Are you ready to kill?
SMEAGOL
Let’s just keep repeating this until Sam hears us.
SAM
I don’t hate you because you want us dead!
I hate you because you’re driving a wedge
between Frodo and me!
SAM tries to kill GOLLUM.
FRODO
Stop it, Sam! If you kill Smeagol, we’ll never get to Mordor.
AUDIENCE
Which is unfortunately true.
FRODO
Now, take my hand, Smeagol. Crossing the street is dangerous.
SAM
Grrrrr…
EXT. ROHAN
LEGOLAS
Something stirs in the East…Something evil.
ARAGORN
Yeah. That would be Sauron, Legolas.
And could you be more vague, please?
LEGOLAS
I’m an Elf, dip. This is how I always talk.
INT. SLEEPING QUARTERS
PIPPIN does something STUPID.
MERRY
Pippin, this is not the first movie!
AUDIENCE
Speaking of stupidity…Wake someone else up, Merry!
PIPPIN
But, I want to look at the creepy black ball!
EYE OF SAURON
RAUGH! I SEE YOU!
AUDIENCE
Is that the only thing you can say?
PIPPIN is frozen in TERROR at the EYE.
MERRY
Maybe I should call for help.
ARAGORN
I’ll grab the palantir. Maybe I can take control of it…
Or not. I’ll just let Sauron get a good look at me.
GANDALF
Huh? Oh, why do I bother?
MERRY, as always, is PUSHED ASIDE in favour of PIPPIN.
EXT. ROHAN – NEXT DAY
PIPPIN
I said I was sorry for almost blowing everything.
MERRY
Sorry won’t help, Pippin. We’re developed characters
now. Our actions have consequences.
GANDALF
Yes, and when I split you up, you’ll develop even more.
EXT. MYTHICAL ELVISH WOODS
HEAD ELF
At this pace, we should reach the Grey Havens
in, oh, six or seven years.
ARWEN
I’m totally sad and tormented. Seriously.
Leaving my boyfriend is such a bummer.
ATTACK of the LITTLE BOY!
LITTLE BOY
Mom! Are you going to, like, totally
abandon me? I thought you loved me!
ARWEN
What the…? HEY! I’m going to be a mommy!
Daddy, like, lied to me!
ARWEN rides home in a HUFF.
ARWEN (cont.)
Daaaadddddyyyy! You didn’t tell me I was going
to have a totally adorable kid!
ELROND
Pick up your cloak, young lady. Were you raised in a barn?
ARWEN
There’s still some hope in the world, Daddy.
Remake Narsil for my boyfriend. Please?
ELROND
I don’t know…
ARWEN
Please, please, please, please…I’ll keep doing
this ‘til you relent…please, please, please…
ELROND
All right, all right! I’ll help make your boyfriend king.
AUDIENCE
Too many tight shots of Elrond’s face. I keep
waiting for him to call her “Misssssss Arwen.”
EXT. NEW ZEALAND
GANDALF and PIPPIN ride to GONDOR.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Isn’t New Zealand gorgeous? I love these travel
shots. Sure they add time, but aren’t they pretty?
They arrive at MINAS TIRITH, a modern Middle Earth city, complete with its own LANDING STRIP.
GANDALF
Don’t do anything stupid, Pippin. Denethor is nuts.
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = DISTURBED
DENETHOR
I’m crazy! I blame you for my son’s death!
AUDIENCE
Who are you? And what have you done to Denethor?
Huh. I guess Faramir’s out-of-character behaviour was genetic.
PIPPIN does something PERSONALLY STUPID, but POLITICALLY WISE.
GANDALF
Denethor, war is coming, and I think…
DENETHOR
I am suspicious! I have been watching events
in my palantir. I just won’t tell you that.
Now, beat it before my insanity meter increases.
INT. GONDOR – EVENING
PIPPIN
Gandalf, are we really all going to die?
GANDALF
Yes.
PIPPIN
You know, Gandalf, I was looking for comfort.
GANDALF
Sorry, but they have the Witchking. They say no man can kill him.
AUDIENCE
Ah. Hello, giant loophole.
EXT. THE SINISTER EMERALD CITY.
AUDIENCE
We’re off to see the Evil Wizard.
SMEAGOL/GOLLUM
We have arrived at the Secret Stairs. Right outside of
Minas Morgul. No one has ever walked by, looked
up and thought, “Hey, stairs.”
THE RING
Walk towards Minas Morgul, Frodo. The power
of the horrible, green recessed lighting compels you!
WITCHKING
By the Power of Greyskull!
The WITCHKING has THE POWER, not to mention a REALLY UGLY MOUNT. FRODO is dragged AWAY from CERTAIN DOOM.
WITCHKING
C’mon troops! Let’s crush Gondor!
EXT. OSGILIATH
PIG ORC
Rocky Road?
FARAMIR
No worries everyone. I’m back in character!
ORCS attack OSGILIATH. VIOLENCE occurs.
INT. MINAS TIRITH
GANDALF
Pippin, I need you to light the beacon.
Don’t worry, it’s not like the guards are
watchful or anything. Should be easy.
IT REALLY IS. BEACONS across GONDOR are lit.
AUDIENCE
Whoa. It must really suck to be stationed at some
of those outposts. And if Denethor really didn’t want
the beacons lit, why didn’t he just NOT man them?
EXT. ROHAN
ARAGORN
The beacons are lit! Please, can we save my
country? Please? Please? Huh?
THEODEN
Yes, I suppose I have learned my lesson from
the last movie. Let’s save Gondor.
MEANWHILE: FARAMIR is losing in OSGILIATH.
FARAMIR
Run away!
GANDALF does the AWESOME STAFF LIGHT TRICK.
GANDALF
Hello, Faramir. I…Faramir, are you listening?
FARAMIR
…hobbit?
GANDALF
You’ve seen Frodo!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Speaking of Frodo…
EXT. THE “SECRET” STAIRS
FRODO, SAM and GOLLUM climb.
AUDIENCE
What would a rock-climbing scene be without someone slipping?
GOLLUM helps FRODO to the top, but when he sees the RING, TENSION occurs.
SAM
Frodo! Gollum will hurt you! And steal you from me!
AUDIENCE
Okay, who’s for buying Frodo a longer chain, or at
least another button for that shirt? Anything to keep
the Ring from popping out and tempting Gollum at
every opportunity.
GOLLUM pulls FRODO up, and they have a brief BATTLE of the BIG BLUE EYES.
GOLLUM
Watch out for Sam, Frodo. Don’t worry, I’m
not trying to ingratiate myself with you.
EVENTUALLY, GOLLUM pulls a REALLY LAME TRICK.
SAM
You’re making me look bad to Frodo!
FRODO
Sam, you can’t become manic. I can’t be the
reasonable one. I can barely stand on my own
feet, and I actually believe Gollum despite
all empirical evidence.
SAM
Let me help you, Frodo. Let me carry the Ring.
You know, the thing your entire life revolves
around now. The thing that has claimed your
heart, mind and soul. Let me take it from you.
FRODO gives SAM the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT look.
FRODO
Sam, the honeymoon is over. Go home.
FRODO leaves SAM in TEARS, like a BAD SOAP OPERA.
INT. MINAS TIRITH
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = WILD AND CRAZY GUY
PIPPIN pledges ETERNAL LOYALTY to the CRAZY KING.
FARAMIR
So. Dad. Are you going to kill me for letting Frodo go?
DENETHOR
No. I’m just going to get you killed because I don’t love you.
GANDALF
Faramir, there’s no use dying because your father
is a few bricks short of a full load.
FARAMIR
All I want is my daddy’s love.
GANDALF
Yeah, but you’re not the only one going out to die.
INT. MINAS TIRITH
DENETHOR INSANTIY METER = NOT JUST SCREWS, BUT ENTIRE PIECES OF MACHINERY LOOSE
DENETHOR
Pippin, sing for me while I have the most
disgusting meal since “Hannibal.”
PIPPIN
I don’t know…
AUDIENCE
Humour him, Pippin. Trust us.
PIPPIN sings quite well, no matter how he PROTESTS.
FARAMIR and CO. DIE.
EXT. ROHAN
THEODEN
Don’t worry, Aragorn. I am gathering the forces of Rohan for you.
AUDIENCE
I love it. He’s not King Theoden. He’s Theoden, King.
ARAGORN
Thank you for gathering your forces on the creepy mountain.
LEGOLAS
The horses are restless and the men quiet.
EOMER
Yes. Thank you, Captain Obvious. And, Aragorn?
Stop staring at that passage like it killed your puppy.
LATER:
MERRY
Thanks for the armour, Eowyn.
EOWYN
There, Merry. Since I am not allowed to fight,
I will invest my desires in you. Go be a soldier.
EOMER
He really can’t be a soldier, Eowyn.
EOWYN
Why not? He’s so sweet, and more roundly developed.
EOMER
You shouldn’t encourage him.
EOWYN
Why can’t he fight for those he loves? Why must
he stay at home and stare out onto the open fields of Rohan?
EOMER
We’re not talking about Merry anymore, are we?
MEANWHILE: SOMEONE MYSTERIOUS arrives.
ARAGORN
(wakes up)
Football practice!
SOME GUY
Someone Mysterious is here to see you.
ARAGORN
Who could it be?
It’s ELROND! He looks PISSY, as per NORMAL.
AUDIENCE
Yes, a journey that takes everyone else months
only takes Elrond three days.
ELROND
Aragorn, Arwen is dying.
ARAGORN
What? Why?
ELROND
We haven’t quite figured that out. But, I’m
sure you’ve noticed the gaudy pendant getting
less shiny. Anyway, since my daughter’s life
is on the line, I’ve decided to help you out now.
Well, other than that time I sent Elves to help
you at Helm’s Deep.
ARAGORN
Um…thanks?
ELROND
I have brought you…
CUE: OVERDRAMATIC FLOURISH
ELROND (cont.)
Narsil! Now, go into the creepy mountain and become King.
ELSEWHERE:
ARAGORN prepares to RIDE into the CREEPY MOUNTAIN.
EOWYN
You can’t leave. You can’t abandon…the…men.
ARAGORN
Again, we are not talking about the men, are we?
I. Don’t. Love. You. Sorry.
EOWYN goes off in a HUFF.
ARAGORN (cont.)
Well, that was awkward. Time for me to go.
Without explaining anything to anyone.
GIMLI
You can’t leave without your comic relief.
LEGOLAS
Yeah, and we haven’t had nearly enough screen time.
ARAGORN
All right, let’s go. But make sure you don’t tell
anyone anything that might give them hope
that we’ll return.
THEODEN, KING
Don’t worry. We’re used to having no hope.
We’re Anglo-Saxons.
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI ride off.
ARAGORN
Legolas, since you’re a major favourite with the
fans, why don’t you deploy the exposition block?
LEGOLAS explains all about the TRAITOROUS, DEAD SOLDIERS of the MOUNTAIN.
DOOR
Boo! The way is shut! Fear me!
ARAGORN
Whatever, imminent death. I don’t fear you.
EXT. ROHAN
THEODEN, KING
Merry, you are tiny and useless. You can’t go
to war. Like my niece.
EOWYN
I’m going anyway, and I’m taking Merry with me.
MERRY
All right! I’m not being ignored for once!
INT. MOUNTAIN OF THE DEAD
AUDIENCE
Oh no! We’re back in Moria! And where did
Aragorn get the torch?
ARAGORN
Hello? Anyone here?
DEAD KING
Get lost. The way is shut.
ARAGORN
Not to me. I have Narsil.
DEAD KING
We will kill you. The way…
ARAGORN
…is shut. Yeah, we got it. And, Legolas? What makes
you think you can shoot the dead?
THE DEAD fall into line.
EXT. MINAS TIRITH
FARAMIR’S BODY is dragged back by his HORSE.
DENETHOR
My son is dead! Only now do I realize how much I truly loved him!
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = YOUR AVERAGE GARY OLDMAN CHARACTER
PIPPIN
He’s not dead!
DENETHOR
I can’t hear you! La, la, la!
A BRIEF LOOK beyond the walls reveals DOOM and DEATH coming to GONDOR in the form of SAURON’S GIANT ARMY.
DENETHOR
I must froth and devour scenery!
GANDALF clocks DENETHOR.
AUDIENCE
Finally.
GANDALF
Let’s organize and attempt deal with this reasonably.
PIPPIN
They’ve come to kill every living thing in Gondor.
GANDALF
…as reasonably as possible.
EXT. OUTSIDE GONDOR’S WALLS
PIG ORC
Everyone ready for another battle scene?
WITCHKING
I will break the wizard.
PIG ORC
…you do that.
FIGHTING starts. GOES ON for a while. YOU KNOW, like it has for the PAST THREE MOVIES.
THINGS look bad for GONDOR. NAZGUL attack.
AUDIENCE
Now might be a good time for that staff light, Gandalf.
PIPPIN
At least I get the chance to prove myself competent.
PIPPIN does NOT do something STUPID.
EXT. NEARLY TO MORDOR
FRODO and GOLLUM arrive at the CAVE.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Finally, all those years of bad horror movies will pay off.
GOLLUM
This is not a trap.
FRODO
Good enough for me.
It’s DARK and SCARY and OBVIOUSLY A TRAP.
MEANWHILE, SAM is actually GOING BACK.
AUDIENCE
What are you doing, Sam?!
SAM
Wait a minute; you’re right! I’m supposed to
guard Frodo! Whether he wants me to or not!
BACK TO FRODO:
GIANT FREAKIN’ SPIDER!
AUDIENCE
Argh! Harry Potter…oh, forget it.
FRODO
I’m beginning to think Smeagol has betrayed me.
GALADRIEL
Use the Force, Frodo. Or that light I gave you. That will do.
FRODO lights and gets away.
FRODO gets caught in a WEB. GIANT FREAKIN’ SHELOB is coming.
AUDIENCE
Good job there, Frodo.
GOLLUM
Ha ha ha ha ha…
FRODO gets FREE.
GOLLUM (cont.)
Oh. Crap.
GOLLUM and FRODO escape into MORDOR, which is really NOT AN IMPROVEMENT.
GIANT FREAKIN’ SHELOB
He’s right outside my lair…do I risk going after
him when he’s just feet away? No, I’ll do that later
when it’s only slightly darker.
FRODO and GOLLUM scuffle.
FRODO
Wait…wait. I’m okay. I won’t kill you.
I’ll just destroy the Ring and save us both.
GOLLUM
Destroy the Ring? That’s why we came to Mordor?
AUDIENCE
Kind of makes you wonder what Gollum thought
they were doing in Mordor.
GOLLUM wants to KILL FRODO. Not that this is anything NEW. GOLLUM is thrown into a CHASM. NO ONE thinks he is DEAD.
FRODO
So…tired…
THUD.
CUE: DREAM SEQUENCE
GALADRIEL
Here I am for my contractually obligated thirty seconds.
FRODO
Thanks. I needed that. Now I can go on.
GIANT FREAKIN’ SHELOB
Not much further, you can’t.
WORST MOMENT of the movie.
AUDIENCE (OR MAYBE JUST ME)
This is why I hate spiders.
SAM
Die, spider bitch!
SAM nearly saves FRODO, expecting that he is ALREADY DEAD.
SOME ORC
Or not. Let’s take this guy to Sauron.
SAM
It appears I have made a tactical error here.
INT. GONDOR
DENETHOR prepares to roast FARAMIR.
DENETHOR
If my son is dead, I shall die too! And so shall
Gondor! And all Middle Earth! In a giant, enveloping,
all consuming flame!
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = DRAMA QUEEN
PIPPIN
Faramir is not dead. NOT dead.
DENETHOR
Not listening!
PIPPIN
That’s it. I’m getting Gandalf.
THINGS look REALLY BAD for GONDOR.
PIG ORC
So…Angmar. Gonna break that wizard?
WITCHKING
Getting to it.
But WAIT! It’s ROHAN, come to SAVE THE DAY.
AUDIENCE
Does everyone have to arrive at dawn?
THEODEN, KING
People of Rohan! We are going to die!
RIDERS OF ROHAN
Yay!
RIDERS attack ORCS and make things KINDA BETTER.
EXCEPT for the FARAMIR BARBEQUE, of course.
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = BATSHIT
DENETHOR
Light the pyre! Now that my son is dead…
GANDALF and PIPPIN burst in.
PIPPIN
HE’S NOT DEAD, YOU CRAZY OOC MAN!
GANDALF and PIPPIN save FARAMIR from a rather ugly death. FARAMIR opens his eyes.
DENETHOR
Oh, wait. Faramir is NOT dead.
DENETHOR catches on FIRE and RUNS straight off the LANDING STRIP of GONDOR.
DENETHOR
*falling*
I should have installed a lake!
AUDIENCE
Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!
Stop…wow, he ran all that way on fire?
EXT. OUTSIDE OF MINAS TIRITH
THEODEN, KING
Well, this is actually looking pretty good. Unusual for us…
MORE EVIL PEOPLE arrive on giant OLIPHAUNTS.
AUDIENCE
Go for the legs! Haven’t you ever seen “Star Wars?”
EOMER, EOWYN and MERRY do their BEST, but it’s still PRETTY BAD.
INT. GONDOR
PIPPIN
Gandalf, what’s death like? I’m just wondering
because it seems like we’ll be experiencing it pretty soon.
GANDALF
Well, there are big white fields, and endless shores, and a sunrise.
PIPPIN
Wow, death sounds…
GANDALF
Peaceful? Pastoral? Idyllic?
PIPPIN
Well, I was going to say dull, but those work too.
EXT. BATTLE FOR GONDOR
Things SUCK.
THEODEN, KING
Ah, this is more familiar.
WITCHKING
Hmm…this looks like the leader. I should off him.
WITCHKING takes down THEODEN, KING.
EOWYN
Daaaadddd…wait, no…UNCLE!
EOWYN hacks the head off of the WITCHKING’S UGLY MOUNT in two strokes. TWO!
AUDIENCE
I want an Eowyn action figure. Screw this doll crap!
WITCHKING
That was so the wrong thing to do, buddy.
No man can kill me.
AUDIENCE
Again with the giant loophole.
MERRY
Well, technically, I’m not a man, but all I can
do is bite your ankles. But, hey, it’s a moment
of glory! Beat that Pippin, with your saving Faramir.
EOWYN
I am woman; hear me roar!
WITCHKING implodes.
THEODEN, KING
I was wrong. You were right to go out onto the
field, thus imperilling Rohan by denying it a
leader should we fail.
THEODEN, KING dies.
EOWYN
I’ll see everyone at the end of the movie.
AUDIENCE
Wait! Where are you going?
MEANWHILE:
ARAGORN and the DEAD, fresh from an OFF-SCREEN BATTLE, arrive and demolish what remains of the ORCS.
AUDIENCE
Do NOT mess with the Dead.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON, realizing he has turned LEGOLAS into a MORON in this movie, gives him a GREAT MOMENT with an OLIPHAUNT.
GIMLI
I only get a comedic moment because I do
not have a rabid fanbase.
THE ONE RABID GIMLI FAN
Nooooo! Why was his part reduced?!
PIPPIN discovers MERRY on the field.
MERRY
How did I get all the way over here?
PIPPIN
I’m here now, Merry. You’re safe.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, cover him up. That’ll help.
He needs the touch of the King.
ARAGORN
Well, he’s not going to get it.
EXT. MORDOR
MEANWHILE: FRODO and SAM arrive at the THIRD BOOK.
ORC #1
I kill you!
ORC#2
No, I kill you.
ORCS kill EACH OTHER.
AUDIENCE
Gotta love dispensable minions.
SAM
This tower is nearly empty. Oh no, here comes an orc.
Grrr…I’m big and mean!
SOME ORC
Uh-oh! It’s gonna get me! Wait, it’s just a…*dies*
SAM saves FRODO from MESSY DEATH.
FANGIRLS
Is Frodo…naked?
NOPE.
FANGIRLS (cont.)
Damn.
FRODO
Sam, I’m so glad to see you!
SAM
Oh, Frodo, I missed you!
IDIOT ADOLESCENT BOYS IN FRONT OF ME
Heh, heh, heh. Frodo and Sam are GAY!
PARODY AUTHOR EVADNE NOEL
Why must they always sit near me? Why?
FRODO
Sam, everything is lost! They have the Ring!
SAM
No, they don’t.
FRODO
They don’t? Then, who has it?
AUDIENCE
Who do you think?
SAM
I have it.
FRODO
Sam, you must give me the Ring, or we will
be forced to listen to the heartbeat soundtrack.
EXT. MORDOR
THE SEARCHLIGHT OF SAURON scours MORDOR for…SOMETHING.
EYE OF SAURON
What’s over here? Or here? Or here?
When do I take my Ritalin?
FRODO
Hoo boy. This is going to be difficult.
INT. THE INCREDIBLY WHITE HALL
GANDALF
Frodo is going to die. Probably Sam, too.
ARAGORN
We can save them by drawing Sauron’s forces to the Black Gate.
EOMER
Yes. Sauron will be forced to look at us.
GIMLI
Death is imminent. That’s great.
GANDALF
Yes, I believe Sauron could be fooled by our ploy.
ARAGORN
So we’re all agreed?
LEGOLAS
A distraction!
ARAGORN
Yes, Legolas. Welcome to the conversation.
AUDIENCE
Man, did Legolas draw the short straw this movie?
EXT. MORDOR
THE RING
I attack you with invisible gnats! Invisible gnats!
I am sooooo bad!
THE LIGHTHOUSE OF SAURON sweeps around, still looking for that…SOMETHING. FRODO gets in its way.
EYE OF SAURON
HEY! I…
FRODO
…SEE ME. I know.
*hits the ground*
SAM
NoooOOOoooo!
FORTUNATELY, ARAGORN and REST OF THE CAST arrives at the BLACK GATE, causing…
LEGOLAS
A distraction!
THANK YOU. But we still have a MAN DOWN.
SAM
Let me try to revive Frodo with an inspirational speech!
DOESN’T WORK. SAM tries MELODRAMA.
SAM
I will never abandon you, Frodo!
I’ll carry you all the way up Mt. Doom!
AUDIENCE
And the winner of the Drama Queen Award is…Sam!
But a big thanks to Elrond and Denethor for participating!
EXT. THE BLACK GATE
ARAGORN
Hey! Saruon! Open up and face justice!
SAURON
Aragorn? Is that you? Hey, guys! It’s Elessar!
Everyone outside to say “hi!” NOW!
One more BATTLE SCENE.
MEANWHILE:
GOLLUM
I’m back! You’re surprised! Right?
SAM
No. And since Frodo has suddenly found the energy
to run all the way up the volcano, there’s no one
to keep me from killing you.
UNFORTUNATELY, he can’t.
THE RING
C’mon, Frodo. You know you don’t want to destroy me.
FRODO
You’re right. I don’t.
THE RING
I love you, man.
FRODO claims the RING.
EYE OF SAURON
…what the? HEY! The battle is only…
LEGOLAS
A distraction!
EYE OF SAURON
…right. Ringwraiths! Get that Hobbit!
INT. MOUNT DOOM
GOLLUM
I want the Ring! I will bite off your finger to get it!
AUDIENCE
Ewwwww. Though, to be honest, it’s a good thing.
GOLLUM and FRODO grapple for THE RING, and OOPS! GOLLUM falls over the EDGE into the FLAMING, HOT LAVA.
THE RING
Gollum was swallowed immediately, but I
have to linger for dramatic tension.
FRODO hangs onto the EDGE, barely.
SAM
Frodo, you have to grab my hand! Grab it,
or I’ll get overdramatic on you again!
EXT. THE BLACK GATE
EVERYONE is put in the WORST POSITION POSSIBLE.
MOTH
Um…I have a deus ex machina for a Gandalf the
White…? Sign here, please.
MERRY
The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!
I’m not quite sure why, but the Eagles are coming!
EAGLES start alleviating the TROUBLE just as THE RING is melted.
THE RING
Oh, shi…
EYE OF SAURON
Oh, shi…
BARAD-DUR collapses. THE EYE looks around frantically. And becomes even more FLAMING, if possible.
EYE OF SAURON
I’m an eye! What else can I do!
SAURON goes BOOM! MIDDLE EARTH is saved!
CAST
Hooray!
MOUNT DOOM explodes.
CAST (cont.)
Yaaaay! Wait a minute…FRODO!
AUDIENCE
And Sam.
EXT. MOUNT DOOM
FRODO and SAM stagger outside of the ERUPTING VOLCANO, and aren’t scorched by the RAGING HEAT.
FRODO
The Ring is gone and now we die! Hooray!
They find a RELATIVELY SAFE place to wait for DEATH.
SAM
This is six million, three hundred seventy four
thousand, eight hundred and twelve steps further
from home than I have ever been before.
FRODO
I’m glad you’re here, Sam. Want to have a Moment,
like we usually do at the end of these movies?
GANDALF
You’re going to have postpone that Moment, for
our mystery Eagles have come to save you.
FRODO passes out.
INT. A BRIGHT PLACE
FRODO
Hmm…I’m overexposed. I must be with the Elves.
GANDALF
Actually, it might still be Gondor.
FRODO
Gandalf! You’re alive!
GANDALF
Yes, and as always, you are the last to know.
MERRY AND PIPPIN
Frodo! You’re alive! Let’s jump on the injured guy!
BEHOLD! FRODO smiles for the first time in nearly THREE MOVIES.
ARAGORN and GIMLI are also pleased to see FRODO, but refrain from JUMPING HIM. Though, the AUDIENCE wonders about GIMLI for a moment.
LEGOLAS
I am too aloof to show emotion.
ARAGORN
Oh, shut it, distraction boy.
EXT. LANDING STRIP OF GONDOR
GANDALF crowns ARAGORN king.
CAST
Yay!
ARAGORN, in a moment completely as TOLKIEN would have it, breaks into SONG.
FARAMIR
I’m better! Not dying!
EOWYN
I’m standing next to Faramir. That means we’re in a relationship.
AUDIENCE
Well, yay!, I guess.
ARAGORN
Why, the Elves are here! What’s behind that banner, Elrond?
AUDIENCE
Hmm, I wonder. Is she hiding or what?
ARWEN
Hi, honey! I made you this totally gorgeous banner,
and I’m not dying…mmph!
ARAGORN pulls ARWEN into a KISS. ELROND stops looking PISSY for 3.2 SECONDS.
ARWEN (cont.)
Honey, not in front of the entire civilized world!
ARAGORN honours the HOBBITS. They look DISTINCTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
ARAGORN
So, Frodo. I’m getting married soon. I was
wondering…I’m going to need a ring bearer…
FRODO
Don’t make me hurt you, my Lord.
EXT. THE UNSCOURGED SHIRE
AUDIENCE
Whoa! Technicolor Shire!
FRODO
So, does anyone else feel awkward?
SAM pursues ROSIE.
PIPPIN
Go get her, tiger! Assert your heterosexuality!
TIME PASSES.
FRODO
I’m still all depressed. I guess we should get to
the ending now, before the Audience’s asses
get too numb.
EXT. GREY HAVENS
BILBO
I’m back! And mummified!
ELROND and GALADRIEL are waiting on the DOCK. CELEBORN fills SPACE.
ELROND
Come, Bilbo. Come to the allegorical end.
GALADRIEL gives that weird “I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON’T KNOW” smile. She gets on the BOAT, presumably with CELEBORN.
GANDALF
Well, I’m off too. Gonna get on the boat now…
HOBBITS
Okay, bye, Gandalf.
GANDALF
Walking up the gangplank…Leaving Middle Earth forever…
Oh, for heavens…Come ON, Frodo.
SAM
Wait, what? Frodo must leave me? But, I can’t be
parted from Frodo for more than 5 seconds!
FRODO
I’m sorry, Sam. But the moral of the story requires me
to sail off into the symbolic sunset. After all, sometimes,
you just can’t go back.
SAM
Okay, Frodo. One last Moment before you go?
FRODO
Sure, Sam.
They have a MOMENT. SAM returns to his HOBBIT DUPLEX.
SAM
The End. Really this time.
I swear I will answer all comments tomorrow. I'm just too tired now. Man, this is a long BBE. I think I need to work on keeping them shorter.
(Author’s Note: Lord of the Rings belongs to the Tolkien estate and New Line Cinemas, and not to me, which we should all be glad about. Inspiration for BBE parodies from Rod Hilton and the Editing Room. Thanks to Molly and Marty for seeing this with me and brainstorming. Dr. Evadne’s warning: Take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to heed the warning is responsible for their own indignation.)
FADE IN:
Hmmm…how should I start my movie…?
I know! How about a flashback?
EXT. RIVER
Look at the worm. Looooook at the woooorm.
This is what I shall become. Symbolically speaking.
DEAGOL
You know, Smeagol, you were pretty creepy
looking even before the Ring.
SMEAGOL
It’s the eyes. Oh look, a fish!
A FISH drags DEAGOL into the river.
Two thousand years at the bottom of a river.
Maybe gold has come back into style.
DEAGOL
Yes, that was my hand in “Fellowship.”
THE RING
Quit poking me! Ouch! Stop it! Oh, you are so dead!
SMEAGOL
Shiiiiiny. Give me the Ring.
DEAGOL
No. I want it.
THE RING
Aiight! Five minutes back in circulation and I’ve
already started a catfight!
SMEAGOL
Please…? Wait, I don’t have to be polite. DIE!
DEAGOL dies.
And now I will switch to narration.
BAD THINGS happen to SMEAGOL.
The Ring turned me into a CGI character. And it
made me into the Ozzy Osbourne of Middle Earth.
SMEAGOL/GOLLUM bites the head off a CATFISH.
Oh. That’s always nice.
SMEAGOL/GOLLUM
But enough about me. I’m sure you’re anxious to get back
to poor, tormented, adorable Frodo.
EXT. NEW ZEALAND
C’mon, Frodo. Let me fuss over you.
Did you sleep? Eat? Brush your hair?
AUDIENCE
Lembas bread. The Poptarts of Middle Earth.
FRODO
I’m fine.
THE RING
No, you’re not.
FRODO
Shut up, you. Gold has not come back into style.
GOLLUM
Let’s go, everyone. Our travelling scenes really
aren’t the most interesting parts of the movie.
SAM
Don’t worry too much, Frodo. I’ve planned every
moment of our journey out. Even the trip home.
AUDIENCE
How cute. Sam thinks there’s going to be a trip home.
EXT. LAKE ISENGARD
So…where did all these trees come from?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Buy the “The Two Towers: Extended Edition!”
LEGOLAS
And where did the Elves who helped out at
Helm’s Deep go? Did they all die? Is that possible?
PIPPIN AND MERRY
Never mind all that! Just revel in our last moments as comic relief.
SARUMAN
So, Gandalf, you have come to Isengard to break my power.
GANDALF
Do you hear something?
ARAGORN
No. Why do you ask?
SARUMAN
Hey! Up here! Main villain of the last movie?
TREEBEARD
Hooom. I’m glad you’ve come, Gandalf. There’s a
wizard to be dealt with.
GANDALF
Yes. But, we’re not going to do it.
SARUMAN
Grima, throw the palantir at them. See if that gets their attention.
PIPPIN
Hey! Pretty thing in the water!
GANDALF
Where’d that come from? Give to Daddy.
Now, back to Rohan!
SARUMAN
Wait! Don’t go! I’ll share my delicious pound cake recipe!
EXT. EDORAS
EOWYN stands around outside of the HALL waiting for everyone to return. AGAIN.
Eowyn, don’t you have anything better to do?
Running the country in your uncle’s absence, perhaps?
THEODEN
We have returned victorious! Everyone party!
“BEOWULF” breaks out.
Aragorn, I am obviously smitten with you.
THEODEN
I see your attraction for Aragorn. I am happy for you.
EOWYN
Uncle! Nothing happened! He’s just leading me on.
ARAGORN
I should let you down now before this gets out of hand.
But, I’m not going to.
MERRY AND PIPPIN do STUPID THINGS, just for old time’s sake.
GANDALF bops. It’s very DISTURBING.
Everyone’s so happy. I feel I must be depressing.
AUDIENCE
Quit bringing the room down, Aragorn!
GANDALF
Yeah, that’s my job.
EXT. A RIVER
SAM and FRODO sleep while GOLLUM schemes. Because the AUDIENCE has never seen THIS SCENE before.
Good thing this river is here.
GOLLUM
Yes, because we were running out of ways to
portray our inner conflict. Are you ready to kill?
SMEAGOL
Let’s just keep repeating this until Sam hears us.
SAM
I don’t hate you because you want us dead!
I hate you because you’re driving a wedge
between Frodo and me!
SAM tries to kill GOLLUM.
Stop it, Sam! If you kill Smeagol, we’ll never get to Mordor.
AUDIENCE
Which is unfortunately true.
FRODO
Now, take my hand, Smeagol. Crossing the street is dangerous.
SAM
Grrrrr…
EXT. ROHAN
Something stirs in the East…Something evil.
ARAGORN
Yeah. That would be Sauron, Legolas.
And could you be more vague, please?
LEGOLAS
I’m an Elf, dip. This is how I always talk.
INT. SLEEPING QUARTERS
PIPPIN does something STUPID.
Pippin, this is not the first movie!
AUDIENCE
Speaking of stupidity…Wake someone else up, Merry!
PIPPIN
But, I want to look at the creepy black ball!
EYE OF SAURON
RAUGH! I SEE YOU!
AUDIENCE
Is that the only thing you can say?
PIPPIN is frozen in TERROR at the EYE.
Maybe I should call for help.
ARAGORN
I’ll grab the palantir. Maybe I can take control of it…
Or not. I’ll just let Sauron get a good look at me.
GANDALF
Huh? Oh, why do I bother?
MERRY, as always, is PUSHED ASIDE in favour of PIPPIN.
EXT. ROHAN – NEXT DAY
I said I was sorry for almost blowing everything.
MERRY
Sorry won’t help, Pippin. We’re developed characters
now. Our actions have consequences.
GANDALF
Yes, and when I split you up, you’ll develop even more.
EXT. MYTHICAL ELVISH WOODS
At this pace, we should reach the Grey Havens
in, oh, six or seven years.
ARWEN
I’m totally sad and tormented. Seriously.
Leaving my boyfriend is such a bummer.
ATTACK of the LITTLE BOY!
Mom! Are you going to, like, totally
abandon me? I thought you loved me!
ARWEN
What the…? HEY! I’m going to be a mommy!
Daddy, like, lied to me!
ARWEN rides home in a HUFF.
Daaaadddddyyyy! You didn’t tell me I was going
to have a totally adorable kid!
ELROND
Pick up your cloak, young lady. Were you raised in a barn?
ARWEN
There’s still some hope in the world, Daddy.
Remake Narsil for my boyfriend. Please?
ELROND
I don’t know…
ARWEN
Please, please, please, please…I’ll keep doing
this ‘til you relent…please, please, please…
ELROND
All right, all right! I’ll help make your boyfriend king.
AUDIENCE
Too many tight shots of Elrond’s face. I keep
waiting for him to call her “Misssssss Arwen.”
EXT. NEW ZEALAND
GANDALF and PIPPIN ride to GONDOR.
Isn’t New Zealand gorgeous? I love these travel
shots. Sure they add time, but aren’t they pretty?
They arrive at MINAS TIRITH, a modern Middle Earth city, complete with its own LANDING STRIP.
Don’t do anything stupid, Pippin. Denethor is nuts.
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = DISTURBED
I’m crazy! I blame you for my son’s death!
AUDIENCE
Who are you? And what have you done to Denethor?
Huh. I guess Faramir’s out-of-character behaviour was genetic.
PIPPIN does something PERSONALLY STUPID, but POLITICALLY WISE.
Denethor, war is coming, and I think…
DENETHOR
I am suspicious! I have been watching events
in my palantir. I just won’t tell you that.
Now, beat it before my insanity meter increases.
INT. GONDOR – EVENING
Gandalf, are we really all going to die?
GANDALF
Yes.
PIPPIN
You know, Gandalf, I was looking for comfort.
GANDALF
Sorry, but they have the Witchking. They say no man can kill him.
AUDIENCE
Ah. Hello, giant loophole.
EXT. THE SINISTER EMERALD CITY.
We’re off to see the Evil Wizard.
SMEAGOL/GOLLUM
We have arrived at the Secret Stairs. Right outside of
Minas Morgul. No one has ever walked by, looked
up and thought, “Hey, stairs.”
THE RING
Walk towards Minas Morgul, Frodo. The power
of the horrible, green recessed lighting compels you!
WITCHKING
By the Power of Greyskull!
The WITCHKING has THE POWER, not to mention a REALLY UGLY MOUNT. FRODO is dragged AWAY from CERTAIN DOOM.
C’mon troops! Let’s crush Gondor!
EXT. OSGILIATH
Rocky Road?
FARAMIR
No worries everyone. I’m back in character!
ORCS attack OSGILIATH. VIOLENCE occurs.
INT. MINAS TIRITH
Pippin, I need you to light the beacon.
Don’t worry, it’s not like the guards are
watchful or anything. Should be easy.
IT REALLY IS. BEACONS across GONDOR are lit.
Whoa. It must really suck to be stationed at some
of those outposts. And if Denethor really didn’t want
the beacons lit, why didn’t he just NOT man them?
EXT. ROHAN
The beacons are lit! Please, can we save my
country? Please? Please? Huh?
THEODEN
Yes, I suppose I have learned my lesson from
the last movie. Let’s save Gondor.
MEANWHILE: FARAMIR is losing in OSGILIATH.
Run away!
GANDALF does the AWESOME STAFF LIGHT TRICK.
Hello, Faramir. I…Faramir, are you listening?
FARAMIR
…hobbit?
GANDALF
You’ve seen Frodo!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Speaking of Frodo…
EXT. THE “SECRET” STAIRS
FRODO, SAM and GOLLUM climb.
What would a rock-climbing scene be without someone slipping?
GOLLUM helps FRODO to the top, but when he sees the RING, TENSION occurs.
Frodo! Gollum will hurt you! And steal you from me!
AUDIENCE
Okay, who’s for buying Frodo a longer chain, or at
least another button for that shirt? Anything to keep
the Ring from popping out and tempting Gollum at
every opportunity.
GOLLUM pulls FRODO up, and they have a brief BATTLE of the BIG BLUE EYES.
Watch out for Sam, Frodo. Don’t worry, I’m
not trying to ingratiate myself with you.
EVENTUALLY, GOLLUM pulls a REALLY LAME TRICK.
You’re making me look bad to Frodo!
FRODO
Sam, you can’t become manic. I can’t be the
reasonable one. I can barely stand on my own
feet, and I actually believe Gollum despite
all empirical evidence.
SAM
Let me help you, Frodo. Let me carry the Ring.
You know, the thing your entire life revolves
around now. The thing that has claimed your
heart, mind and soul. Let me take it from you.
FRODO gives SAM the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT look.
Sam, the honeymoon is over. Go home.
FRODO leaves SAM in TEARS, like a BAD SOAP OPERA.
INT. MINAS TIRITH
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = WILD AND CRAZY GUY
PIPPIN pledges ETERNAL LOYALTY to the CRAZY KING.
So. Dad. Are you going to kill me for letting Frodo go?
DENETHOR
No. I’m just going to get you killed because I don’t love you.
GANDALF
Faramir, there’s no use dying because your father
is a few bricks short of a full load.
FARAMIR
All I want is my daddy’s love.
GANDALF
Yeah, but you’re not the only one going out to die.
INT. MINAS TIRITH
DENETHOR INSANTIY METER = NOT JUST SCREWS, BUT ENTIRE PIECES OF MACHINERY LOOSE
Pippin, sing for me while I have the most
disgusting meal since “Hannibal.”
PIPPIN
I don’t know…
AUDIENCE
Humour him, Pippin. Trust us.
PIPPIN sings quite well, no matter how he PROTESTS.
FARAMIR and CO. DIE.
EXT. ROHAN
Don’t worry, Aragorn. I am gathering the forces of Rohan for you.
AUDIENCE
I love it. He’s not King Theoden. He’s Theoden, King.
ARAGORN
Thank you for gathering your forces on the creepy mountain.
LEGOLAS
The horses are restless and the men quiet.
EOMER
Yes. Thank you, Captain Obvious. And, Aragorn?
Stop staring at that passage like it killed your puppy.
LATER:
Thanks for the armour, Eowyn.
EOWYN
There, Merry. Since I am not allowed to fight,
I will invest my desires in you. Go be a soldier.
EOMER
He really can’t be a soldier, Eowyn.
EOWYN
Why not? He’s so sweet, and more roundly developed.
EOMER
You shouldn’t encourage him.
EOWYN
Why can’t he fight for those he loves? Why must
he stay at home and stare out onto the open fields of Rohan?
EOMER
We’re not talking about Merry anymore, are we?
MEANWHILE: SOMEONE MYSTERIOUS arrives.
(wakes up)
Football practice!
SOME GUY
Someone Mysterious is here to see you.
ARAGORN
Who could it be?
It’s ELROND! He looks PISSY, as per NORMAL.
Yes, a journey that takes everyone else months
only takes Elrond three days.
ELROND
Aragorn, Arwen is dying.
ARAGORN
What? Why?
ELROND
We haven’t quite figured that out. But, I’m
sure you’ve noticed the gaudy pendant getting
less shiny. Anyway, since my daughter’s life
is on the line, I’ve decided to help you out now.
Well, other than that time I sent Elves to help
you at Helm’s Deep.
ARAGORN
Um…thanks?
ELROND
I have brought you…
CUE: OVERDRAMATIC FLOURISH
Narsil! Now, go into the creepy mountain and become King.
ELSEWHERE:
ARAGORN prepares to RIDE into the CREEPY MOUNTAIN.
You can’t leave. You can’t abandon…the…men.
ARAGORN
Again, we are not talking about the men, are we?
I. Don’t. Love. You. Sorry.
EOWYN goes off in a HUFF.
Well, that was awkward. Time for me to go.
Without explaining anything to anyone.
GIMLI
You can’t leave without your comic relief.
LEGOLAS
Yeah, and we haven’t had nearly enough screen time.
ARAGORN
All right, let’s go. But make sure you don’t tell
anyone anything that might give them hope
that we’ll return.
THEODEN, KING
Don’t worry. We’re used to having no hope.
We’re Anglo-Saxons.
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI ride off.
Legolas, since you’re a major favourite with the
fans, why don’t you deploy the exposition block?
LEGOLAS explains all about the TRAITOROUS, DEAD SOLDIERS of the MOUNTAIN.
Boo! The way is shut! Fear me!
ARAGORN
Whatever, imminent death. I don’t fear you.
EXT. ROHAN
Merry, you are tiny and useless. You can’t go
to war. Like my niece.
EOWYN
I’m going anyway, and I’m taking Merry with me.
MERRY
All right! I’m not being ignored for once!
INT. MOUNTAIN OF THE DEAD
Oh no! We’re back in Moria! And where did
Aragorn get the torch?
ARAGORN
Hello? Anyone here?
DEAD KING
Get lost. The way is shut.
ARAGORN
Not to me. I have Narsil.
DEAD KING
We will kill you. The way…
ARAGORN
…is shut. Yeah, we got it. And, Legolas? What makes
you think you can shoot the dead?
THE DEAD fall into line.
EXT. MINAS TIRITH
FARAMIR’S BODY is dragged back by his HORSE.
My son is dead! Only now do I realize how much I truly loved him!
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = YOUR AVERAGE GARY OLDMAN CHARACTER
He’s not dead!
DENETHOR
I can’t hear you! La, la, la!
A BRIEF LOOK beyond the walls reveals DOOM and DEATH coming to GONDOR in the form of SAURON’S GIANT ARMY.
I must froth and devour scenery!
GANDALF clocks DENETHOR.
Finally.
GANDALF
Let’s organize and attempt deal with this reasonably.
PIPPIN
They’ve come to kill every living thing in Gondor.
GANDALF
…as reasonably as possible.
EXT. OUTSIDE GONDOR’S WALLS
Everyone ready for another battle scene?
WITCHKING
I will break the wizard.
PIG ORC
…you do that.
FIGHTING starts. GOES ON for a while. YOU KNOW, like it has for the PAST THREE MOVIES.
THINGS look bad for GONDOR. NAZGUL attack.
Now might be a good time for that staff light, Gandalf.
PIPPIN
At least I get the chance to prove myself competent.
PIPPIN does NOT do something STUPID.
EXT. NEARLY TO MORDOR
FRODO and GOLLUM arrive at the CAVE.
Finally, all those years of bad horror movies will pay off.
GOLLUM
This is not a trap.
FRODO
Good enough for me.
It’s DARK and SCARY and OBVIOUSLY A TRAP.
MEANWHILE, SAM is actually GOING BACK.
What are you doing, Sam?!
SAM
Wait a minute; you’re right! I’m supposed to
guard Frodo! Whether he wants me to or not!
BACK TO FRODO:
GIANT FREAKIN’ SPIDER!
Argh! Harry Potter…oh, forget it.
FRODO
I’m beginning to think Smeagol has betrayed me.
GALADRIEL
Use the Force, Frodo. Or that light I gave you. That will do.
FRODO lights and gets away.
FRODO gets caught in a WEB. GIANT FREAKIN’ SHELOB is coming.
Good job there, Frodo.
GOLLUM
Ha ha ha ha ha…
FRODO gets FREE.
Oh. Crap.
GOLLUM and FRODO escape into MORDOR, which is really NOT AN IMPROVEMENT.
He’s right outside my lair…do I risk going after
him when he’s just feet away? No, I’ll do that later
when it’s only slightly darker.
FRODO and GOLLUM scuffle.
Wait…wait. I’m okay. I won’t kill you.
I’ll just destroy the Ring and save us both.
GOLLUM
Destroy the Ring? That’s why we came to Mordor?
AUDIENCE
Kind of makes you wonder what Gollum thought
they were doing in Mordor.
GOLLUM wants to KILL FRODO. Not that this is anything NEW. GOLLUM is thrown into a CHASM. NO ONE thinks he is DEAD.
So…tired…
THUD.
CUE: DREAM SEQUENCE
Here I am for my contractually obligated thirty seconds.
FRODO
Thanks. I needed that. Now I can go on.
GIANT FREAKIN’ SHELOB
Not much further, you can’t.
WORST MOMENT of the movie.
This is why I hate spiders.
SAM
Die, spider bitch!
SAM nearly saves FRODO, expecting that he is ALREADY DEAD.
Or not. Let’s take this guy to Sauron.
SAM
It appears I have made a tactical error here.
INT. GONDOR
DENETHOR prepares to roast FARAMIR.
If my son is dead, I shall die too! And so shall
Gondor! And all Middle Earth! In a giant, enveloping,
all consuming flame!
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = DRAMA QUEEN
Faramir is not dead. NOT dead.
DENETHOR
Not listening!
PIPPIN
That’s it. I’m getting Gandalf.
THINGS look REALLY BAD for GONDOR.
So…Angmar. Gonna break that wizard?
WITCHKING
Getting to it.
But WAIT! It’s ROHAN, come to SAVE THE DAY.
Does everyone have to arrive at dawn?
THEODEN, KING
People of Rohan! We are going to die!
RIDERS OF ROHAN
Yay!
RIDERS attack ORCS and make things KINDA BETTER.
EXCEPT for the FARAMIR BARBEQUE, of course.
DENETHOR INSANITY METER = BATSHIT
Light the pyre! Now that my son is dead…
GANDALF and PIPPIN burst in.
HE’S NOT DEAD, YOU CRAZY OOC MAN!
GANDALF and PIPPIN save FARAMIR from a rather ugly death. FARAMIR opens his eyes.
Oh, wait. Faramir is NOT dead.
DENETHOR catches on FIRE and RUNS straight off the LANDING STRIP of GONDOR.
*falling*
I should have installed a lake!
AUDIENCE
Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!
Stop…wow, he ran all that way on fire?
EXT. OUTSIDE OF MINAS TIRITH
Well, this is actually looking pretty good. Unusual for us…
MORE EVIL PEOPLE arrive on giant OLIPHAUNTS.
Go for the legs! Haven’t you ever seen “Star Wars?”
EOMER, EOWYN and MERRY do their BEST, but it’s still PRETTY BAD.
INT. GONDOR
Gandalf, what’s death like? I’m just wondering
because it seems like we’ll be experiencing it pretty soon.
GANDALF
Well, there are big white fields, and endless shores, and a sunrise.
PIPPIN
Wow, death sounds…
GANDALF
Peaceful? Pastoral? Idyllic?
PIPPIN
Well, I was going to say dull, but those work too.
EXT. BATTLE FOR GONDOR
Things SUCK.
Ah, this is more familiar.
WITCHKING
Hmm…this looks like the leader. I should off him.
WITCHKING takes down THEODEN, KING.
Daaaadddd…wait, no…UNCLE!
EOWYN hacks the head off of the WITCHKING’S UGLY MOUNT in two strokes. TWO!
I want an Eowyn action figure. Screw this doll crap!
WITCHKING
That was so the wrong thing to do, buddy.
No man can kill me.
AUDIENCE
Again with the giant loophole.
MERRY
Well, technically, I’m not a man, but all I can
do is bite your ankles. But, hey, it’s a moment
of glory! Beat that Pippin, with your saving Faramir.
EOWYN
I am woman; hear me roar!
WITCHKING implodes.
I was wrong. You were right to go out onto the
field, thus imperilling Rohan by denying it a
leader should we fail.
THEODEN, KING dies.
I’ll see everyone at the end of the movie.
AUDIENCE
Wait! Where are you going?
MEANWHILE:
ARAGORN and the DEAD, fresh from an OFF-SCREEN BATTLE, arrive and demolish what remains of the ORCS.
Do NOT mess with the Dead.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON, realizing he has turned LEGOLAS into a MORON in this movie, gives him a GREAT MOMENT with an OLIPHAUNT.
I only get a comedic moment because I do
not have a rabid fanbase.
THE ONE RABID GIMLI FAN
Nooooo! Why was his part reduced?!
PIPPIN discovers MERRY on the field.
How did I get all the way over here?
PIPPIN
I’m here now, Merry. You’re safe.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, cover him up. That’ll help.
He needs the touch of the King.
ARAGORN
Well, he’s not going to get it.
EXT. MORDOR
MEANWHILE: FRODO and SAM arrive at the THIRD BOOK.
I kill you!
ORC#2
No, I kill you.
ORCS kill EACH OTHER.
Gotta love dispensable minions.
SAM
This tower is nearly empty. Oh no, here comes an orc.
Grrr…I’m big and mean!
SOME ORC
Uh-oh! It’s gonna get me! Wait, it’s just a…*dies*
SAM saves FRODO from MESSY DEATH.
Is Frodo…naked?
NOPE.
Damn.
FRODO
Sam, I’m so glad to see you!
SAM
Oh, Frodo, I missed you!
IDIOT ADOLESCENT BOYS IN FRONT OF ME
Heh, heh, heh. Frodo and Sam are GAY!
PARODY AUTHOR EVADNE NOEL
Why must they always sit near me? Why?
FRODO
Sam, everything is lost! They have the Ring!
SAM
No, they don’t.
FRODO
They don’t? Then, who has it?
AUDIENCE
Who do you think?
SAM
I have it.
FRODO
Sam, you must give me the Ring, or we will
be forced to listen to the heartbeat soundtrack.
EXT. MORDOR
THE SEARCHLIGHT OF SAURON scours MORDOR for…SOMETHING.
What’s over here? Or here? Or here?
When do I take my Ritalin?
FRODO
Hoo boy. This is going to be difficult.
INT. THE INCREDIBLY WHITE HALL
Frodo is going to die. Probably Sam, too.
ARAGORN
We can save them by drawing Sauron’s forces to the Black Gate.
EOMER
Yes. Sauron will be forced to look at us.
GIMLI
Death is imminent. That’s great.
GANDALF
Yes, I believe Sauron could be fooled by our ploy.
ARAGORN
So we’re all agreed?
LEGOLAS
A distraction!
ARAGORN
Yes, Legolas. Welcome to the conversation.
AUDIENCE
Man, did Legolas draw the short straw this movie?
EXT. MORDOR
I attack you with invisible gnats! Invisible gnats!
I am sooooo bad!
THE LIGHTHOUSE OF SAURON sweeps around, still looking for that…SOMETHING. FRODO gets in its way.
HEY! I…
FRODO
…SEE ME. I know.
*hits the ground*
SAM
NoooOOOoooo!
FORTUNATELY, ARAGORN and REST OF THE CAST arrives at the BLACK GATE, causing…
A distraction!
THANK YOU. But we still have a MAN DOWN.
Let me try to revive Frodo with an inspirational speech!
DOESN’T WORK. SAM tries MELODRAMA.
I will never abandon you, Frodo!
I’ll carry you all the way up Mt. Doom!
AUDIENCE
And the winner of the Drama Queen Award is…Sam!
But a big thanks to Elrond and Denethor for participating!
EXT. THE BLACK GATE
Hey! Saruon! Open up and face justice!
SAURON
Aragorn? Is that you? Hey, guys! It’s Elessar!
Everyone outside to say “hi!” NOW!
One more BATTLE SCENE.
MEANWHILE:
I’m back! You’re surprised! Right?
SAM
No. And since Frodo has suddenly found the energy
to run all the way up the volcano, there’s no one
to keep me from killing you.
UNFORTUNATELY, he can’t.
C’mon, Frodo. You know you don’t want to destroy me.
FRODO
You’re right. I don’t.
THE RING
I love you, man.
FRODO claims the RING.
…what the? HEY! The battle is only…
LEGOLAS
A distraction!
EYE OF SAURON
…right. Ringwraiths! Get that Hobbit!
INT. MOUNT DOOM
I want the Ring! I will bite off your finger to get it!
AUDIENCE
Ewwwww. Though, to be honest, it’s a good thing.
GOLLUM and FRODO grapple for THE RING, and OOPS! GOLLUM falls over the EDGE into the FLAMING, HOT LAVA.
Gollum was swallowed immediately, but I
have to linger for dramatic tension.
FRODO hangs onto the EDGE, barely.
Frodo, you have to grab my hand! Grab it,
or I’ll get overdramatic on you again!
EXT. THE BLACK GATE
EVERYONE is put in the WORST POSITION POSSIBLE.
Um…I have a deus ex machina for a Gandalf the
White…? Sign here, please.
MERRY
The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!
I’m not quite sure why, but the Eagles are coming!
EAGLES start alleviating the TROUBLE just as THE RING is melted.
Oh, shi…
EYE OF SAURON
Oh, shi…
BARAD-DUR collapses. THE EYE looks around frantically. And becomes even more FLAMING, if possible.
I’m an eye! What else can I do!
SAURON goes BOOM! MIDDLE EARTH is saved!
Hooray!
MOUNT DOOM explodes.
Yaaaay! Wait a minute…FRODO!
AUDIENCE
And Sam.
EXT. MOUNT DOOM
FRODO and SAM stagger outside of the ERUPTING VOLCANO, and aren’t scorched by the RAGING HEAT.
The Ring is gone and now we die! Hooray!
They find a RELATIVELY SAFE place to wait for DEATH.
This is six million, three hundred seventy four
thousand, eight hundred and twelve steps further
from home than I have ever been before.
FRODO
I’m glad you’re here, Sam. Want to have a Moment,
like we usually do at the end of these movies?
GANDALF
You’re going to have postpone that Moment, for
our mystery Eagles have come to save you.
FRODO passes out.
INT. A BRIGHT PLACE
Hmm…I’m overexposed. I must be with the Elves.
GANDALF
Actually, it might still be Gondor.
FRODO
Gandalf! You’re alive!
GANDALF
Yes, and as always, you are the last to know.
MERRY AND PIPPIN
Frodo! You’re alive! Let’s jump on the injured guy!
BEHOLD! FRODO smiles for the first time in nearly THREE MOVIES.
ARAGORN and GIMLI are also pleased to see FRODO, but refrain from JUMPING HIM. Though, the AUDIENCE wonders about GIMLI for a moment.
I am too aloof to show emotion.
ARAGORN
Oh, shut it, distraction boy.
EXT. LANDING STRIP OF GONDOR
GANDALF crowns ARAGORN king.
Yay!
ARAGORN, in a moment completely as TOLKIEN would have it, breaks into SONG.
I’m better! Not dying!
EOWYN
I’m standing next to Faramir. That means we’re in a relationship.
AUDIENCE
Well, yay!, I guess.
ARAGORN
Why, the Elves are here! What’s behind that banner, Elrond?
AUDIENCE
Hmm, I wonder. Is she hiding or what?
ARWEN
Hi, honey! I made you this totally gorgeous banner,
and I’m not dying…mmph!
ARAGORN pulls ARWEN into a KISS. ELROND stops looking PISSY for 3.2 SECONDS.
Honey, not in front of the entire civilized world!
ARAGORN honours the HOBBITS. They look DISTINCTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
So, Frodo. I’m getting married soon. I was
wondering…I’m going to need a ring bearer…
FRODO
Don’t make me hurt you, my Lord.
EXT. THE UNSCOURGED SHIRE
Whoa! Technicolor Shire!
FRODO
So, does anyone else feel awkward?
SAM pursues ROSIE.
Go get her, tiger! Assert your heterosexuality!
TIME PASSES.
I’m still all depressed. I guess we should get to
the ending now, before the Audience’s asses
get too numb.
EXT. GREY HAVENS
I’m back! And mummified!
ELROND and GALADRIEL are waiting on the DOCK. CELEBORN fills SPACE.
Come, Bilbo. Come to the allegorical end.
GALADRIEL gives that weird “I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON’T KNOW” smile. She gets on the BOAT, presumably with CELEBORN.
Well, I’m off too. Gonna get on the boat now…
HOBBITS
Okay, bye, Gandalf.
GANDALF
Walking up the gangplank…Leaving Middle Earth forever…
Oh, for heavens…Come ON, Frodo.
SAM
Wait, what? Frodo must leave me? But, I can’t be
parted from Frodo for more than 5 seconds!
FRODO
I’m sorry, Sam. But the moral of the story requires me
to sail off into the symbolic sunset. After all, sometimes,
you just can’t go back.
SAM
Okay, Frodo. One last Moment before you go?
FRODO
Sure, Sam.
They have a MOMENT. SAM returns to his HOBBIT DUPLEX.
The End. Really this time.
I swear I will answer all comments tomorrow. I'm just too tired now. Man, this is a long BBE. I think I need to work on keeping them shorter.
